Chapter Five: Therapeutic Bullshit
03312009 - 0532A
AN: I had about three fourths of this chapter DONE about a week ago. But then Karasu and I started looking for fabric suppliers for our little company and the influx of linkage she sent me overloaded my server and crashed the interwebs for a few hours - taking the unsaved story with it.
On that note, though, for those of you who enjoy the cyber punk/goth/lolita style, email us at rainbowXvomit(at)ymail(dot)com for info on our products. :3 /shameless self-promotion.
Anyway. This entire chapter is going to be from Karen's POV, as I believe she has a more complex personality. Her true diagnosis as psychotic is much more complicated than Sara's as depressive. Sara originally had a small part at the end, but I cut it out for the time being, to let people mull over Karen's part.
In other news, Karen has a secondary theme song, since I wanted her to have one with lyrics as well. Please check out "Like O, Like H" by Tegan and Sara.
And now, enjoyyyy!
I've been "getting help" since I was in grade school. As long as I can remember, I've been stretched out across leather couches in minimalistic rooms, pouring out my heart to whatever highly-recommended quack happened to be practicing in the area I lived in at the time.
As long as I can remember, I've lied through my teeth to them.
But now I'm breaking that rule. Sara's making me break all my rules, apparently.
So there I was, reclined against that black leather sofa in the overheated room that always covered my skin in a light sheen of sweat and made my skin stick unpleasantly to the chocolate-coloured upholstery, my Anderson, Washington psychoanalyst observing me over his cliched wire-rimmed glasses, notebook propped against his knee.
The office smelled like furniture polish.
"What are you thinking about now?" he asked me. I raised my eyebrows, trying to form the words in my mind. Telling the absolute truth was not something I was used to, and it would take some preparation.
"This girl, at my new school," I said simply, hoping he would ask me a question that would help me along in this unfamiliar terrain of opening up. Of course, he did.
"Is she a friend?" he prompted. I paused, my lips pursed. Again I mulled my answer around. I had always been popular. There were a lot of people everywhere I had lived that had called me their friend. But did I consider any of them my friends? No. Was Sara my friend?
"Not exactly," I said. "I'm drawn to her. It's strange. Everything about her is everything that normally... infuriates me about people. But with her..." I trailed off. I didn't want to voice what I knew to be true deep down.
"What's different about her, do you suppose?"
"She... reminds me of someone." I paused once more. I could barely force the words out. "Someone I knew when I was very young."
"No. It was before that. It was when we lived in the midwest."
"Tell me about this person."
"Whichever one you feel like telling me about." He was a smart man. From my files he probably knew it was rare for me to admit to anything deeper than superficial fact. He would let me dictate the terms of what I confessed.
"This girl, Sara. She's really... meek. She's bullied all the time, and she just sits and takes it. I don't think she ever stands up for herself," I started, and I heard the contempt for this fact in my voice. "I hate people like that. If you're not willing to fight to be treated with respect, or to defend yourself, you deserved to be treated like shit. But something about her... I don't think she was always like this. She doesn't seem weak or anything. She seems defeated. I want to protect her, and I don't know why."
"You don't?" he asked, as though he didn't quite believe that.
"No," I insisted. "I subscribe to the theory of natural selection. The weak deserve to be weeded out. If you're not willing to fight, to do anything to survive and be treated like a human being... then you don't deserve to."
"But Sara," he prompted.
"Sara... I think she needs me. Just like the boy I knew when I was young needed someone to guide him."
"And this boy," he started. "Where is he now?"
"... He's gone," I stated simply after a long pause.
"How did you know him? Was he someone else who needed you?"
"No," I closed my eyes and sighed. It was harder to talk about him than anyone else involved in the whole fucked up situation. "No, he needed someone else. I was too young. I was eight when he... When he left."
"Is that why your family moved to Seattle?"
"It was a part of it," I answered. There was a long pause. I guess he was out of questions. It was my turn. "Isn't all of this in my file?"
"I've only read the overview of your file," he answered. "I want to develop my own thoughts on you, not read someone else's."
I think I like this guy.
"What should I do about Sara?" I asked. It was the whole reason for me opening up, after all.
"It sounds to me like she needs a friend. If she's beaten down like you say, maybe she needs some help getting back to her feet." He paused and tapped his pen softly on his notepad. "Maybe she just needs to know someone is on her side. People who are bullied like her often feel like the world is against them, and that's why they stop fighting back. Maybe she just needs someone to show her it's not true."
I mulled over his words in my head. I knew what I had to do.
AN: Dave Cullen, after ten years of research, is released his book, "Columbine", on the sixth. It is excellent. :D
Get it. Read it. You never know, you may see something... familiar? Hmm...
Replies now? I think so.
EndureDarkness03: Hmm... do you? Well... that always kind of blows my mind to hear. Because really, Karen is NOT a good person. 0.o
AeroForce: Haha, well, I appreciate you reading. :3 And for reviewing. Reviews mean the world to me, really. It's almost sad how much they mean to me.
CaseyBear: Haha, I totally get what you're saying. When compared with what we discussed, Karen really is an easy to love (or at least admire) character.
CURE-Karasu: Lol. One day you're finally going to get annoyed with me talking about this story. If you haven't yet. And I appreciate you looking at it like you have no idea what's gonna happen, as you're one of my most honest reviewers.
Milady Draigen: Ah... the thing is, and I hope this chapter captured it a bit more, but Karen... isn't generally a good person. And even she knows it. But maybe she's good, deep down? We'll have to see...