Regrets

"It's really over isn't it?" Jesse asked as he lay a few feet away from me in the golden field. I looked over at him, my blue eyes locking with his green ones. I sighed at the pain and suffering they held and felt slightly ashamed for putting this off for so long. How many weeks have I known that this was coming and yet I shied away from telling him the truth? I know that the time just made the suffering worst but I couldn't help it. How do you tell someone that you don't love them anymore? Jesse stared at me for a moment before swearing and turning away, running his hands through his ebony locks. Staring up at the clouds floating lazily across the sky, he sunk into his own thoughts and fell silent.

Absentmindedly I wondered if he was thinking about us. About all the good times that we have had. For four years, we had stuck it out through all the trials and tribulations, through all the heartache and tears. Love seems so difficult and important when you are just a teen. The jealousy and whirlwind of temptation only seems to make you cling harder to the one you love. Constant fighting and petty argument stir up over active emotions and add fuel to the passion, which causes you to swear you will love him forever. Each touch seems like a blessing and each embrace seems to bind you closer to one another. You become one person in mind and heart, unable to live or survive without the other. Love enchants you. Even sex seems to have an inviting and magical allure. One that causes you to believe your relationship is invincible. Jesse was my first. He was my knight in shining armor sent to sweep me off my feet and away from the boring loneliness of everyday. He was my prince, but I am much too old to believe in fairytales anymore.

We were seniors now after all. Each bound to different colleges, different careers, and different worlds. All the carefully laid out plans of sticking together and going to the same college, the same classes, we had arranged so diligently were crumbling beneath us. Neither of us would sacrifice our dreams for the future of our relationship. Jesse had offered to drive out to my university every weekend. He had said that he would call every night and that we could spend the holidays together. His words sounded hollow. Both of us knew how useless that would be. Both of us knew the truth.

"I cheated on you last summer." Jesse suddenly states flatly, his eyes never leaving the sky. "One night stand. I was drunk and we were fighting. I did not even know the girl and I didn't care." A few months ago, I would have screamed at him for saying this, insisted that he didn't mean it and that he was just trying to say something that would hurt me. A few months ago, I would have thought that he loved me to much to do such a thing. I don't even reply to his statement. I know what he is saying is probably true and yet I feel no anger or hatred towards him. I don't even blame him anymore. I feel his eyes boring into me. I know what he wants me to say, but I don't care. I ignore him. Finally, he asks, "Did you cheat on me?" His voice is neither accusatory nor demanding. Just curious.

"No," I state flatly without looking at him.

"Liar." He replies. A simple statement. I don't protest. I know he knew the truth all along. He didn't need me to confirm it. We had both made mistakes during those four years. I hear his shift as he rolls onto his side and looks my way. I roll over to meet his gaze and am startled to find that he had tears standing in his eyes. I look down at the grass, feeling slightly ashamed for my lack of emotion towards the situation. Faintly, I hear him whisper, "So, it's really over isn't it?"

I look into those sad eyes and nod, "Yes, It is."

"He stared at me for a few more moments as two crystalline tears escape his eyes before I heard him sigh and roll back onto his back. Both of us lay in silence for a few more minutes before I heard him rise and turn to go. My mind silently registers the fact that this may be the last time I ever see him. Still I do not turn to watch him leave. I merely listen to the rustling of the grass beneath his feet. After a few steps, I hear him pause.

"I don't regret loving you." he states before continuing.

Looking into the boundless sky, I smile slightly and close my eyes. "Neither do I Jesse. Neither do I."