I'm fine, I swear.
Actually, I think I am going to be alright. Day after day it gets a tiny bit easier considering we don't go to the same school. Saves me the awkward stinging feeling in my stomach I would have if I saw you everyday in the hallway.
But we live so close to one another, and running into you is inevitable. I sometimes wonder that when I see you, do you ever see me?
I have other things to keep me occupied, like badminton. It's the biggest apart of my life, and I always said it comes first no matter what. I don't what it is about the sport, but as soon as I step onto the court, I'm not myself, and I will do anything to win.
I think I just want to feel like I'm accomplishing something but you seemed to feel the same about rugby. I take everything with more heart now because I want to create this image, a front, that I'm tough, and so committed.
Sitting in the players section of the bleacher, my heart is racing because my doubles partner and I are always the first to compete since we are #5. We do our team cheer, our opponent always performing theirs first, and we line up.
I stood first in line with Nikki. We glance at each other and she switches her racket into her right hand to throw off our opponents because she is actually left-handed. It was something we used to our advantage and it has never failed.
Standing in the right service court, I remember when you came to one of my games for the first time. It was a home game against Argo, and after it was over, there was a parent night where we could challenge family members to play against us.
I lied to my coach and told him you were my cousin, haha. You were convinced you would "cream" me, and deep down, I knew you probably could because of your tall stature and those "pythons" you claim to have on your arms.
I thrived and lived off of every moment the birdie went back and forth over the net between us. You were decent, I admit, and I couldn't have been happier.
But when I remember the quote, "take the good with the bad".
God, it was 9am on a freaking Sunday, and the rain pouring was a nonstop downfall of dread but I pulled myself out of bed by 7, making sure I would be to Gaelic Park right when kickoff happened.
After I arrived around 9:45, I knew there would be only 15 minutes left of the first game. I hurried to the field, walking the walk of shame because I knew that all of your friends on the team were starting to realize I was your girlfriend. Tugging on my hood, I shielded my head from the heavy raindrops.
I could see your parents under their huge umbrellas, and I joined them, putting up my own. "We weren't too sure if you would make it out, considering this downpour." His father commented, nodding his head at me.
His mother beamed at me, "Thanks for coming out, dear."
The environment around me was overwhelming as roughly 60 boys huddled together on the sidelines were cheering and supporting their team. They were drenched, wearing only hoodies, and compression shorts underneath their uniforms to keep them warm. Scanning the group, I saw a familiar face join after ripping off his jersey, motioning for another player to go in for him. He reached for his USA Rugby hoodie off the ground and slipped it on over his head which was protected by his scrum cap.
"Does my cap look dumb? Or should I tape my ears?" He asked me once. I remembered telling him that he shouldn't worry about the guys making fun of him for wearing a cap because we'll see who's laughing laughing later when they get cauliflower ear.
He was standing within a small group of guys, and I anxiously waited for him to turn around and realize I was here.
15 minutes passed, and he still didn't acknowledge me. He's just focused, that's all, I told myself. But then, his friend Patrick turned around, and then shoved him. He glanced over his shoulder, and nodded, but then quickly turned around to watch the game.
I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. Patrick, and another friend were saying something to him but I couldn't make out what they had said. All I know is that it got no reaction for him whatsoever. Shaking it off, I gripped my umbrella tighter and walked further down the sidelines away from him.
About an hour and a half passed, and they were in the final game of the day. The rain was still pouring down, and his parents mentioned they were going to the car to warm up for a bit before the end of the game. "I'll stay out here, I'm fine." I said, and they doubtfully went without me. "You must really like our son," His mother said to me.
I wonder if he ever knew I did that, that I stayed out there to support him even though his parents hadn't. For God's sake, he wasn't even in this last game and I still wanted to be near.
There were a few other girls at the game along with me, but I knew none of them. They only had one thing I didn't have; boys from the team talking with them. I didn't understand at all why he couldn't come over and talk to me, not even for a second to say hi.
Hell, he never said hi to me.
The end of the game was near, and Rice scored their final try, success for them. The boys shook hands with Mount Carmel, and dispered off the field to grab their bags. I lingered along the sideline, following slowly after him. He looked back over his shoulder, and smiled but it didn't ease me at all as he continued to walk toward his adidas bag.
I didn't wait for him.
Walking past the group of boys, Patrick called my name but I ignored him and kept walking. The rain hadn't stopped, but I took down my umbrella anyways because there's one thing I love about the rain. No one can tell that you're crying.
As I hurried to my car, and put the key in the ignition, I could see him laughing amongst his friends in the parking lot. He didn't even care at all. Before pulling away, I turned off my phone.
I couldn't think of anyone who cared more for him than I did, and he didn't even appreciate that.