Before you never fall in love with me,

I want you to know that my mind
is a filthy place.
It is split in two; with many facets. It is the mind of a psychopath, an addict, and a whore.
If my mind is my kingdom, I am the doomed ruler
of a once great civilization,
now anarchic, war torn and ruined.
It is split in two, like the mind of a
psychopath.
Half is the mind of a little girl that can never grow up,
stuck in a loveless and lonely world, craving the love of a father.
The other half is that of a monster.
and when a monster fights a little girl, it is the stuff
of nightmares.
It is split in two; it is the mind of a psychopath
Both halves are locked in an eternal battle of wills, which neither side can win.
and so my mind is trapped.
Trapped, imprisoned, ensnared.
It is trapped between the wrinkled sheets that adorn the beds of strangers.
It lingers in the stains that cover them, mingling with the blood, tears and lust, that are the products of a thousand sweat-soaked sunrises.
My mind is cuffed to the headboards
of men I have loved for the night.
Tonight, it twists and turns inside his veins, veins which pulse beneath the skin
of his back as I trace the outlines of his tattoos
with my tongue.
And a little of my sanity escapes with every strangled cry and every moan of pleasure.
My mind is powdery and white.
It is rolled up inside a £50 note, the note I use to abuse my breaking body
day after day
after
day
and to forget the world with the boy whose bed I will never see.
It is at the bottom of every bottle, and concealed in the ash I flick from the burning tip
of every cigarette.
It is steeped in the ink which decorates the skin of my father's rotting corpse,
it desiccates within the marrow of my mother's twisted bones which creak and snap and bend like branches in a storm.
It cannot help but follow the example set by her own broken mind.
It is split in two, like the mind of a psychopath.
But it is not yet the mind of a psychopath.

Not

quite

yet.

Excuse the absence! Trying to get into writing again, so starting small and building up.