'Cause no one seems to believe that we can fly

I think I first saw you at an Indian debates. They had bright flashy lights like flourescent barrels and I know I was looking up at them for a long time until the light became bright white streaks. And then I looked down and you were staring straight at me.

My friend said you were quite cute. Apparently she liked the dimple in your cheek. I am sorry, but I didn't think much of you then. I had a half crush on this tall fair guy sitting two seats down from me. He had the curliest hair and I was thinking of corkscrews and springs. I remember this now, two years later, and for some reason it makes me sigh because I wonder how things would have been if I had noticed you and your dimple much earlier.

When we ended up in the same school I didn't know what to think. I think I was weary, or maybe I wasn't sure what to look forward to. I know I never told you this, but I used to laugh about your name with my friends and it always managed to cheer me up. I didn't know when I started hating you. Probably on our first day because you never smiled. I would look at you and your eyes would stare right back at me. I told everyone you freaked me out, but really, you made me feel like no one had ever before. And that scared me.

Okay I admit. I came up with The Awesome Plan to matchmake you with my friend. It was all in fun, because you were the guy with the funny name and she liked your dimple. I was really proud of it. I even drew up separate committees to facilitate the matchmaking process and proposals you could submit detailing what you planned to do on dates subject to approval. It was pretty crazy and I folded it thrice and kept it in my bag. I think I read it about a million times.

I think we finally got introduced during that project. During which you broke your ankle. And you found out about The Awesome Plan. You made me look forward to project sessions. And suddenly, you became the Nice Guy. I saw you smile for the first time. You had geeky braces in the color of purple and I finally saw that dimple of yours. I remember how I went back and told my friend I loved your personality and she stared at me weirdly. I didn't understand it then.

Right now I am writing this stupid story on Fiction press because I am confused. I tried listening to songs but somehow they all lead right back to you and I would be trying to figure us out. I know we argue all the time and I am always teasing you. Maybe it is because argueing seems to be the only way I can have a full fledged conversation with you, and that makes me happy. You know, I get intolerably jealous all the time you talk to other girls. God, I sound so lovesick. I want to hate you so badly for making me feel this way. I really do.

I don't think I could ever tell you the way I feel. Partly because I don't think you would feel that way. And I would rather protect our friendship than risk everything we share. I think I told you once that I am happy living with 'what ifs' than regrets. You told me that atleast with regrets you know you have tried. The thought of trying, however, scares me shitless.

I hate how you have the ability to make me feel both happy and sad. I forget myself when we have our conversations over ice lemon tea (though I secretly hate ice lemon tea) and we are just talking. Yet when you leave, I go over the whole conversation in my head and suddenly it feels like I am just doing everything the wrong way. You make me second guess myself. All the time.

I am trying to be less playful for you right now. I used to be the kind of girl who thought no girl should change herself for a guy and yet each day I am hating myself for not being able to be more demure. More mature. And more serious. I don't know what this is called. Is this infatuation? I am not sure.