No I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
- Jar of Hearts, Christina Perri
I didn't expect to find anything in UK. When you leave everything you had behind, you stop searching. Perhaps because something in your head tells you there cannot be anything possibly better. I left everything I had known for sixteen years. The comfort of the familiar. And suddenly, UK seemed darker, stranger and more far away than I had ever known it to be.
I remember our first meeting. You must too. I would tell it to our friends several months later, and you would duck your head sheepishly. At that moment, I never thought we would become best friends. It didn t make sense. You were the gawky kid with a weird humor. I was the girl lost in her past, and disillusioned by her future. Also several months later, I would tell you over the phone how I came expecting nothing. And got everything.
When exactly I started feeling something more...who knows? Perhaps it was when I broke down in front of you. How you prodded my chin and moaned about how I was making you depressed. Or when you tugged at my hair and joked about how we would make pretty babies. We would stand in front of the heater, making faces at everyone whom passed. Our hands would brush. Or you would tug at it to make me wave, and I would. I would wave with that silly smile on my face. Only because you were holding my hand. And promptly whack myself mentally for being so utterly ridiculous.
I have never come to terms with how I feel about you yet. Until now. And perhaps only now. There are too many ways this could end badly. So I am moving on. I am bottling up the past, sealing shut the memories, forgetting the way your name sounds when uttered in my head. I remember again the time we first met. The tentative brush of our eyes, how you asked me if I was feeling nervous and I nodded. And how we would remember this moment. The nervous first step. How I would remember this moment, as I would remember you. I am shutting that out too.
Because in tug of war when you are the only one pulling at the rope, you would rather let go than have it come away with your hands.
PS; I love how writing is my therapy. Always. Please do review. Reviews help too :)