"OH MY GOD THIS BABY IS A FRICKIN' FAT ASS!" Bella screamed at the top of her lungs in the totally random hospital room of the Cullen's mansion.
Jacob grinned amusedly. "Chicks are always saying childbirth is bad, but-"
"Oh shut up Jacob your lucky I haven't killed you yet." Edward snarled.
"Oh you think just cause you and Bella got it on I'm out of the race?" Jacob demanded, suddenly angry.
"We're married!" Edward screamed.
"Small detail!" Jacob yelled back.
"You're such an idiot!"
"At least I have a pulse!"
Rosalie grinned in the background. Finally these two were gonna kill each other. Me wants Edward's room, she thought happily.
"Guys!" Bella screamed, breaking up the fight. Both Jacob and Edward's attention snapped back to her. "Could we focus on the fact that there's something inside of me, clawing at my insides and most definitely ruining any chance I have of ever wearing a bikini again???"
"Right, sorry Bella." Edward and Jacob said in unison and rushed back to her side. A sudden tremor went through Bella's body and she screamed bloody murder.
"Can we get this bitch out of me???" She wailed.
Edward put his hand to his forehead, getting laser mind messages from his he/she daughter to be. "This just in, she doesn't like being called a bitch."
"GET HER OUT!"
"Jeez can we give this broad some meds to shut her up?" Jacob asked, pointing his thumb at Bella.
"NO!" Rosalie practically screamed. Every stopped paying attention to Bella, the one in labour and looked in shock at Rosalie.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" Edward asked.
"Don't even think about meds!" Rosalie screeched. "Me don't want a baby with five heads!"
"Yeah this house is already enough of a freak show." Jacob commented, granting an angry look from Edward, who was very sensitive about his condition.
"Me wants that baby." Rosalie murmured almost to herself. She giggled hysterically under her breath. "Rosalie wants baby."
"Since when did she start addressing herself in the third person?" Edward asked curiously.
"The blond chick's flipped her lid." Jacob chuckled. "Finally."
"Me wants the baby, push it out." Rosalie cooed moving closer to Bella's hospital gown (when was she changed into a hospital gown?) covered body.
"OW!" Bella screamed, another contraction. "What did I do to you!?" She yelled at her morbidly fat stomach.
Edward's hand flew to his forehead again. "She says she's pissed because she hates the name we plan to give her."
"Well tough!" Bella said triumphantly. She smiled until another contraction hit.
"Me wants baby." Rosalie drooled.
"Shut up Rosalie, you're not even my real sister." Edward said angrily.
"Just cause Rosalie's adopted doesn't mean Rosalie doesn't have feelings." Rosalie murmured sadly.
"Stop addressing yourself in the third person!" Edward yelled.
"Okay are you guys at all concerned that there's something inside Bella that wants out?" Jacob asked curiously as Bella screamed in pain.
Edward looked at his wife. "Oh right."
"I think she's coming round the mountain!" Bella yelled pointing at her stomach.
Jacob -curious as to what Bella meant- lifted up the hospital gown to check what was going on. "OH GOD THERE'S FREAKY STUFF GOING ON DOWN THERE!" Jacob yelled, disgusted and ran out of the room. The sound of him barfing in the hallway was faint but audible.
"Okay Bella just try and push." Edward instructed.
"Really?" Bella asked sarcastically. ""Push"? I never thought of that Edward. OF COURSE I'M PUSHING!"
"Well no need to get snippy about it." Edward said, slightly upset at the interaction.
"Me wants baby." Rosalie drooled again. But everyone ignored her, including Jacob who had come back into the room, wiping his mouth.
"What did I miss?"
"Okay." Edward said, mostly to himself and pressed his hand against his forehead. "I'm communicating with Renes-" He stopped, wincing. "Okay, okay, you don't like that name got it. We'll call her Bob for now."
"I like it." Jacob agreed.
"Just get her outta me!" Bella screeched.
"Me want baby."
"Okay Bob." Edward repeated. "Follow the long tunnel that is Bella's womb. Yeah don't touch that stuff on the walls. Ew! No, no, ignore that, keep going. I don't care if its shiny, you march yourself out here! Young lady, don't make me bite you. Thank you. Now go into the light. That's right. Into the light."
"Holy shit I think she's coming!" Bella said.
"That kid can definitely take instruction well." Jacob concluded.
"Me want baby."
"One more push Bella." edward encouraged. And with one final push, Baby Bob shot right out of Bella and attacked the first thing in its sight, Rosalie. There was some hissing and Rosalie fell to the ground, blood shooting everywhere.
"Me no want baby!"
"Nice one." Jacob commented.
"You did great!" Edward contragulated Bella, giving her a thumbs up.
"Well not to toot my own horn, but HELL YEAH!"
"Doesn't anyone care that the baby is eating Rosalie???" Rosalie wailed from the ground.
"Serves you right!" Jacob said. "Hey Rosalie, how many blondes does it take to get eaten by a freak mutant vampire baby just seconds after its born? Just one bitch!"
"I'm kinda beat." Bella confessed. "And hungry. I've had nothing but 0 negative for the last week."
"Let's go get ice cream." Edward suggested. "I don't like the taste, but I like how it slides down my throat and cleans my colon."
"I'm game." Jacob agreed.
"Me too." Mutant baby Bob agreed, Rosalie's blood slathered all over her face. Bob hopped into Bella's arms and with that the three of them left, leaving Rosalie's desmembered body lying on the ground for their night-shift man servant to clean up.
The audience cheers cause Rosalie's dead! YAY!