Tales From Under My Bed

The rants of a 16 year-old girl.

Written by two awesome people.

Chapter 1

ALL THAT AND A BAG OF HOT CHEETOS

(PROLOGUE)

For everyone that knows me, you can pretty much imagine what I'm doing on a Friday night. I'm not painting my nails (I ALREADY did that), or doing my homework (I NEVER do that), or getting the girls to go to a movie or anything that girls usually do. Nope. If anyone knows me, they know I'm drooling on the couch, rotting my life away.

My parents call me Darien, but I prefer Darien - Keeper of Coolness and Lord of the Awesome. My last name is Fuentes, which means waterfall, but I like to think of it meaning something fiery and cool. Like a sandwich.

So let me explain my family, a group of neat freaks who kidnapped me from the hospital and my real family of vampire Eskimos in Slovakia. There's my mom - Danet - a total opposite of me in every way. She wears high heels, mini skirts, has blonde streaks in her hair, and has that curl of a heavily made-up face.

My dad's not worth explaining. Let's just say he's not my favorite family member.

And then my brother Brian - he's a wannabe ninja /Spiderman /Batman /Superman /Darth Vader /Luke Skywalker that constantly follows me around like an appendage.

Mom's boyfriend - Fernie - or as I call him: Blackberry. He has a bald head, tattoos, a deep voice, and a tendency to mumble. He's way too patient with me, despite his looks.

Then there's my pets - my dogs: Mimi (pure-bred poodle), Baby (mutt), and Kiwi (Chihuahua). Following, of course, my cat Zoey - my alter ego. She's lazy like me, prissy like me, and rants like me. But she's still my kitty.

Anyway, back to me. I am a misunderstood girl, who has the height of a midget and the curves of a overly plastic sergistised prostitute. My goals are to meet a vampire, very possibly become one, travel the world (in search of vampires), write a autobiography (about my discovery of vampires), write a SECOND autobiography (about my marriage of a vampire [a very HOT, super RICH, and very MUSCLED vampire *squeal*]), and rule the world with an iron fist, sexy black leather, and a great sense of humor (laughing at my servants as I trip them).

One of my friends is Paige, the blonde-haired green-eyed one, who's main goal is to get over her clumsiness and retarded-ness (she's too far away from the ground). She's five feet away from me, writing my rants because I'm cool that way.

So now if you don't mind, I have vampires to discover.

Your Future Vampire Ruler and Total Lord of Awesomeness,

~Darien

P.S. (Paige) I can't believe I'm writing this bull. .