We've all heard the rumors. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, the "losers of the losers" at Columbine who, a week before graduation, shot and killed eleven of their classmates, one teacher, and wounded twenty-four others. They were the "faggots" who showered together. The nerdy "faggots" who played DOOM and chatted online with strangers every night. The nerdy "faggots" who went everywhere together and worked together and hung out with girls together.
At first I saw it as only hype, as wishful thinking, to make their story more dramatic, more romantic. But then I realized: Would I commit suicide with just a friend? I find it hard to conceive doing something so personal with someone I don't have emotions for. There is something darkly romantic about the whole thing. Dylan Klebold puts it best: "I know he and I are conceived from ourselves and each other. Every night of the self-awareness journey, every thought we conceived, we have finished the race. Time to die. Everything we knew, we were able to understand it, to perceive it, into what we should, everything we knew, we know and use. An understanding of the everything. An Einstein stuck in an ant's body. We are the nature of existence. The zombies were a test to see if our love was genuine. We are in wait of our reward, each other. The zombies will never cause us pain anymore. the humanity was a test. I love you, love. Time to die, time to be free, time to love." (Spelling and capitalization errors corrected for ease of reading.)
Dylan perceived him and Eric as "gods," superior to the "zombie" humans around them. To him, humanity was a test left on this earth that he and Eric had to pass in order to be happy with one another. Dylan's diary is cryptic at best. Some may view my findings as overreaching, but I find it not only believable, but probable, taking into account Eric's psychopathy and Dylan's depression.
Also there is the fact that Eric never managed to keep any other friend close for very long, or a girlfriend: and Dylan never once had a girlfriend.
Also, before the shooting, Dylan erased his computer's hard drive. Taking into account that their motives, hit lists, plans, schedules, and weapons are revealed on the basement tapes, what could he be trying to hide? They were planning this for over a year. Anything about the killers that we know, they wanted us to know. Anything we don't know, they didn't want us to know. If we weren't intended to find those journals, they would have gotten rid of them. Perhaps Dylan kept an honest, upfront journal on his computer, and in a few sittings, scrawled his cryptic journal into a notebook, carefully planning how he would write every clue and in what order. "When we read Shakespeare, he would always get the hidden meaning," according to a girl in Dylan's English class.
I leave your conclusions entirely up to yourself.
I now give you my analysis of Dylan Klebold's journal. In the released copies, almost all names were censored, except a few instances of "Eric." I sometimes wonder if some of the censored names were actually further instances of "Eric," kept from the public eye. As a result, however, I can only assume and guess who he is speaking about in most instances, which perhaps is a good thing, because it leaves me with an open mind. Please note not every single line is included. Spelling and capitalization errors corrected for ease of reading. Some of Dylan's entries are not dated, but everything is kept in chronological order, or at least in the order that he wrote it in this journal.
"It is not good for me right now (like it ever is), but anyway my best friend ever: the friend who shared, experimented, laughed, took chances with, and appreciated me more than any friend ever did has been or desired "passed on" in my book."
Dylan was reportedly very good with words and had an extensive vocabulary. I do not believe he selected any adjective lightly. "Shared", "experimented," "took chances with," and "appreciated" can all be interpreted in a homosexual manner. At first I thought this friend he was speaking of was another friend who he was friends with in early childhood, but then I continued reading.
"When him and I first were friends, hell I finally found someone who was like me: who appreciated me & showed very common interests. Ever since 7th grade I've felt lonely when [edited] came around, I finally felt happiness (sometimes). We did cigars, drinking, sabotage to houses, EVERYTHING for the first time together & now that he's "moved on" I feel so lonely without a friend. Oh well, maybe he'll come around -- I hope."
It is possible that his and Eric's whole crowd of friends were into homosexuality, or homosexual experimenting, so this could be interpreted a few different ways. Either this is about someone else, someone who became special to him after seventh grade although he knew them before then, or about Eric, who he reportedly met in middle school, which can include seventh grade. Anything which does not exactly fit my assumptions can be taken as Dylan trying to confuse the reader. "I finally felt happiness (sometimes)" can be interpreted sexually, or romantically. Perhaps there were romantic ups and downs, or sexual gratification came only on occasion. "EVERYTHING" is in capitals and written in large letters in the diary: Again, I do not believe Dylan used words without careful thought. This can be interpreted sexually as well.
"I am almost sure I am in love... With [edited]. Yet everything about her I love, from her good body to her almost perfect face, her charm, her wit and cunning, her NOT Being popular, her friends (who I know) –some-. I just hope she likes me as much as I LOVE Her. I think of her every second of every day, I want to be with her, I imagine me and her doing things together, the sound of her laugh, I picture her face, I love her. If soul mates exist, then I think I've found mine."
This entry seems fairly obvious, Dylan only replacing Eric's name, and "him" with "her." This was written presumably sometime in the summer of 1997, the summer before their junior year. They could have been hanging out more during this time, growing closer, resulting in Dylan developing a crush on his friend.
"The one who I thought was my true love, [edited], is not. Just a shell of what I want the most. The meanest trick was played on me - a fake love. She in reality doesn't give a good fuck about me."
Perhaps Dylan confided his feelings in Eric, thinking that Eric harbored the same feelings based on observations of small actions and words and remarks Eric had made to him. Eric maybe shoots down his friend's emotions, or doesn't give a response at all, instead brooding over how he could milk this situation to his advantage. Either way, Dylan feels used and lied to.
"[edited]. Funny how I've been thinking about her over the last few days, giving myself fake realities that she, others, MIGHT have liked me just a bit."
Dylan finds it odd that even though his friend has rejected or ignored him, he still has the same feelings for him, just as he may have kept feelings for other friends who rejected him in the past, because he clings to the faint hope that they might like him back.
"I am denied what I want, to love and to be happy".
Part of a poem in Dylan's journal. He feels denied by Eric in some way.
"Ok. Hell and back. I've been to the zombie bliss side, and I hate it as much if not more than the awareness part. I'm back now. A taste of what I thought I want: wrong. Possible girlfriends are coming then [edited]… I'll give the phony shit up in a second. Want TRUE love. I just want something I can never have."
"I want pure bliss... to be cuddling with [edited], who I think I love deeper than ever. I was hollow, thought I was right… to cuddle with her, to be one with her, to love; just laying there. I need a gun. This is a weird entry. I should feel happy, but shit brought me down."
"Possible girlfriends are coming then [edited]." Dylan would rather have Eric than a girlfriend. Furthermore, Eric has realized the full possibilities of manipulating Dylan. He has realized that having someone so devoted to him could be a very good thing, and validates Dylan's feelings for him, verbally and probably physically. Dylan is blissfully happy for that time, but then his depression catches back up with him, as well as the nagging possibility that it is all a farce, and he returns to sadness. Perhaps Eric said something too corny, took a step too far in his manipulation. The thought of having something so real yet so fake be so close merely drives Dylan into suicidal thoughts, which was possibly Eric's intention. If Dylan is in a weak emotional state, he is more likely to go along with what Eric suggests, plus it is easier to drive someone suicidal than someone stable to be also homicidal.
"The true existence lives in solitude, always aware, always infinite, always, looking, for, his love."
Dylan knows he's alone. He knows he's always going to have to watch Eric's every step, every move, every word, staying on constant tenterhooks, searching for both signs that he loves him as well as signs that he doesn't.
"I want to find a room in the great hall and stay there with my love forever. Sadness seems infinite, and the shell of happiness shines around."
Dylan just wants to be alone with Eric forever. He feels like he'll never be happy again, and not only that, but sees happiness all around him and cannot touch it.
"Eric will be getting farther away soon... I'll have less than nothing. How normal. I wanted to love. I wanted to be happy and ambitious and free and nice and good and ignorant. Everyone abandoned me."
Dylan is probably referring to Eric's application to the Marines as far as "getting farther away soon." "I'll have less than nothing… I wanted to love." Is a cryptic, though somewhat obvious, reference to his feelings for Eric, and maybe a fantasy of being with him after high school.
"Wanna die and be free with my love, if she even exists. She probably hates me, finds a [illegible] or a jock who treats her like shit. I remember details, nothing worth remembering I remember. I don't know my love: could be [edited], or [edited], or [edited], or [edited], or anyone. I don't know and I'm sick of not KNOWING!! To be kept in the dark is a punishment!!!"
Dylan is becoming more aware of Eric's manipulation, and is doubting Eric's feelings for him, beginning to feel like he doesn't know Eric at all. "A jock" probably is simply a reference to a girl. He remembers small details of what Eric says and does, small irrelevant things, but he remembers them and holds them close nevertheless. He compares the many different faces of Eric to several different girls; Being close to Eric must have been confusing. You would get to see his dark, murderous side; his sweet, manipulative side; and Dylan possibly got to see his sexually manipulative and dominant side. He doesn't know what is real and what is not.
"Well, well. So much changes, (like… existence). I understand almost everything now. So close to my love - [edited]. The runes have shown it, she has shown it, I have felt it. I know the meaning of each life: To be loved by your love, and to be happy with one's self. Only for the gods though (me, [edited] & etc.) The zombies and their society band together and try to destroy what is superior and what they don't understand and are afraid of. Soon, either I'll commit suicide, or I'll get with [edited] and it will be NBK for us. My happiness. Her happiness. NOTHING else matters."
Eric has done something to reaffirm Dylan's belief in him and his emotions for him. Perhaps he has suggested the idea that they kill themselves together, having picked up on Dylan's suicidal tendencies, knowing this idea would appeal to him. Using suicide as the bait for Dylan, he then suggests the murder of others. Dylan takes the bait, and agrees. Eric then possibly proclaims his love for Dylan, or performs sexual acts with him to show his approval of Dylan's decision. Dylan decides that he'll either kill himself soon, or stay with Eric and go through with the shooting, because their happiness is all that matters.
"Society is tightening its grip on me, and soon I and [edited] will snap, he will have on revenge on society, and then be free, to exist in a timeless, sourceless place of pure happiness. The purpose of life is to be happy and be with your love who is equally happy."
This is an obvious statement. He fully supports everything Eric has said and told him: He has been ensnared by the psychopath. He wishes nothing more than Eric to be happy and fulfilled, because then they can finally be happy and fulfilled together, with each other.
"I LOVE YOU [edited]. That's all I think about anymore... I know that this humanity is almost done. That we will be free. We have proven to fate that we are the everything of purity and halcyon, and that we deserve, need, love, can't exist without each other. He had thoughts that I might not be enough, my mind sometimes gets stuck on its own things, I think about human things. All I try to do is imagine the happiness between us. That is something we cannot even conceive in the toilet earth. The everything, the halcyon, the happiness is ours. There will be no notes from me. Let the humans suffer without my knowledge of the everything. I am trying not to think about the happiness, somehow thinking that will destroy it if I conceive/relish it when I'm a human. But I love her- we are soulmates."
Eric and Dylan are making further plans, growing closer. Eric is probably still using the sexual and emotional bait and reward system to get Dylan to agree and comply. He sees him and Eric as completing each other. "He had thoughts that I might not be enough, my mind sometimes gets stuck on its own things, I think about human things." He feels that Eric keeps him focused on their plan. "There will be no notes from me. Let the humans suffer without my knowledge of the everything." This is possibly referring to his cryptic journal itself, saying we aren't good enough to know what he really means, that only those smart enough, those godlike like him, will be able to figure it out. He is saying we don't deserve an explanation dumbed down for us. He goes on to declare that he is trying not to think too much about his love for Eric. He feels that it will not be filled to its potential while they are still alive, while they are still human. He feels that the happiness is meant to be fulfilled in some other way.
"I love her to infinice. I look back on my awareness journey, see the parts and sections of my understanding... it's almost done, yet it is never done, I love [edited], she is my soulmate, my love, all the imaginative halcyons and pure existences I have with her (to me) are almost happiness... I just wish I could call her... something blocks me from calling her, my human side is putting up a wall, to prevent me from calling her, like a few of its truth. BS. I will overcome all fears, doubts, and zombie-based thoughts (oxymoron). I will follow our hearts to the halcyon, loving her. I love you, [edited]"
Dylan looks back upon his life, seeing all the times when he thinks he was grasping the meaning of life and his purpose in it. He sees his mission as almost done, but it "is never done," meaning that the mission is for him and Eric to leave this world to find love, and once they've left the world, they will never again be apart. "I wish I could just call her" probably refers to telling Eric that he loves him, the actual words, not just feelings for him. "My human side is putting up a wall, to prevent me from calling her." Though Dylan sees himself as godlike, he realizes that he has fallen victim to human fear, human nervousness. Of course he is nervous to tell his friend, and lover, that he is in love with him. He then proclaims that he will overcome these "zombie-based" fears and thoughts and follow their hearts to the halcyon.
"I am ready to be w. [edited]."
"I've jumped off with [edited] and we've floated away to the halcyon. The zombies will pay for their being, their nature. I know everything, yet I know nothing. I am a true god. My infinite memories, thoughts, perceivations of purity come a lot more with her, there is pure pure happiness. The purpose of our existence. I hate, love things. Hate everything, love me and [edited]. I understand that I can never ever be a zombie, even if I wanted to. The nature of my entity. Soon, we will live in the halcyons of our minds, the one thing that made me a god."
"I UNDERSTAND THE EVERYTHING. I AM THE GOD OF THE EVERYTHING WITH [edited]".
In some way, physical or emotioinal, Dylan has grown closer to Eric. Knowing all the time they spent together, they probably had more deep conversations with one another, coming to more conclusions together and realizing more mutual feelings and agreements. Dylan feels that he is a god, and that the purpose of his and Eric's existence is to defeat the "zombies" and become one with each other. He comes to the conclusion that he could never have been a "zombie," because that is not the "nature of" his "entity." He believes that soon they will live in the "halcyons" of their minds, and the fact that they can do so means that they are indeed gods.
"The framework of society stands above and below me. The hardest thing to destroy, yet the weakest thing that exists. I know that I am different, yet I am afraid to tell the society. The possible abandonment, persecution is not something I want to face, yet it is so primitive to me. I guess being yourself means letting people know about inner thoughts too, not just opinions and fashions. (Heheh) I will be free one day, in the land of purity and my happiness, I will have a love, someone who is me in a way. Someday... Possibly thru this life, maybe another, but it will happen..."
"Society" is perhaps standing for "Eric." If so, this shows that Dylan is aware of the mindgames that Eric is playing, that he is aware of the nature of Eric and his psychopathy. He knows that he is "different," meaning that he knows his feelings for Eric are different from Eric's feelings for him. He is entirely in love with Eric, and deathly afraid of Eric's "possible abandonment" and "persecution." He still believes that he will someday be with Eric, whether they are alive or dead.
"Someday. Somewhere. As my love will find me. She feels as I do right now, I can feel it. We will be inseparable. Her and I."
"We will be free, to explore the vast wonders of the stars. To cascade down everlong waterfalls, and thru the warmest seas of pure happiness... no limits... no limits. Nothing will stop us."
He still maintains that somewhere deep down Eric feels the same way back, and is just too preoccupied and disturbed with his insanity and manipulation to stop and admit it. He still feels that they will be "inseparable." Once they are dead and free of this world, they will be able to finally be together in happiness. Nothing will stop them.
"I know it's her... everything is true... my love is genuine. Love... existence for ever is the happiness that we have achieved with each other. I now know the final battle. The pain of humanity is our love..."
Eric has likely done something to further instill Dylan's faith and love in him, further validating Dylan's love. "Existence for ever is the happiness that we have achieved with each other." He feels that the only reason either of them existed in the first place was to meet each other, fall in love, and do this. "I now know the final battle. The pain of humanity is our love." All of humanity was merely created as a test they had to pass to prove their love. They are gods.
"Alone unknown until the first time they lay eyes on each other. A true love is hard to come by, yet the most fulfilling, beautiful, completing achievement any man can have. Some have wealth, some have power, some have great intellect, yet I feel an infinite number of times greater than those as I have found my true love."
He believes that he and Eric were incomplete until they met one another. He feels superior to those who do not have a love like theirs.
"[edited], I am SO sorry... I see I have made you sad and fucked us up somehow. I will try... always... I will always love you please know this…"
Dylan made a misstep in their relationship. Perhaps he has gone too far with verbalization of his feelings for Eric: perhaps knowing that their planned day of April 19 is drawing near, he has proclaimed himself to be "in love" with Eric, taking Eric aback, as Eric is probably confused about his feelings for his friend, and doesn't want to have to make another manipulative move at this tender state they are in.
This next piece of evidence was the most compelling for me. Dylan selected a girl for the focus of his writings (who it turned out once released that the girl didn't even know him) who conveniently had the same number of letters in her name as "Eric Harris." Dylan was known as having an extensive vocabulary, so this puzzle seems to be right up his alley. The first letter of the name and the word Dylan selected were both removed for privacy. Armed with a thesaurus, it was not difficult at all to find matching synonyms that started with the same letters that spell "Eric Harris." Some of the words are awkward of course, but Dylan wouldn't have made it easy for us. In the original version of this, there are lots of scribbles and words crossed out, showing that it was difficult for him to write this. Also, several of the traits described are fitting with Eric's personality.
"[edited] is for the [edited] joy she gives me
[edited] is for how she [edited] the helpless with her beautiful gaze
[edited] is for the [edited] moments she shares with me
[edited] is for the [edited] found love that I've been looking for all my life
[edited] is the [edited] of us as a couple
[edited] = how [edited] I hope to spend time with her
[edited] = how she is the [edited] one I love, that I have ever loved
[edited] is for the [edited] where we can look at the stars
[edited] = How [edited] beautiful she is
[edited] = Her [edited] for everything she does"
E is for the endless joy he gives me.
R is for how he rules the helpless with his beautiful gaze.
I is for the intense moments he shares with me.
C is for the closely found love that I've been looking for all my life.
H is the happiness of us as a couple.
A = how adamantly I hope to spend time with him.
R = how he is the realest one I love, that I have ever loved.
R is for the retreat where we can look at the stars.
I = How infinitely beautiful he is.
S = His salubriousness for everything he does.
"The humanity of here and now clouds all that I see. Yet the me, the one, can now control the pain, and it is done."
His feelings and physical closeness to Eric make Dylan feel shockingly human for the first time in a long time, if ever. It is beautiful and yet painful at the same time for him, and he knows that the real him, the godlike part of him, can control the pain, knowing these trivial human things will soon no longer be a part of his existence.
"These moments will be lost in the depressions and caverns of the human books forever, like, tears, in, pain, but the thoughts will be eternal. To explain the happiness is impossible ever for fate."
Dylan feels no one will figure out what he is saying in his journal, and that what he is writing will be forever lost in the "caverns of the human books," but his thoughts, the effort he put into it, and his love for Eric, will be eternal. For him to explain himself fully to us is impossible because of the consequences.
"I know he and I are conceived from ourselves and each other. Every night of the self-awareness journey, every thought we conceived, we have finished the race. Time to die. Everything we knew, we were able to understand it, to perceive it, into what we should, everything we knew, we know and use. An understanding of the everything. An Einstein stuck in an ant's body. We are the nature of existence. The zombies were a test to see if our love was genuine. We are in wait of our reward, each other. The zombies will never cause us pain anymore. The humanity was a test. I love you, love. Time to die, time to be free, time to love."
Dylan believes that he and Eric were made from the same stuff: they are one, and complete each other like puzzle pieces, like a key and a keyhole. Every night they spent together romantically, every thought they came up with together, they were meant to. That is what they were made for. They learned and performed everything they were supposed to. They satisfied their mission. He believed they were the whole reason for other human existence. All "zombies" were merely a test to see if their love was genuine, if they would go through with the predestined plan. They must go through with it to get their reward, each other. After they do that, the zombies will never again cause them pain. It is now time for them to die, be free, and to love, when in reality, Eric never had feelings for him. He just wanted to kill as many people as he could, and then himself. All he wanted was the fame and the thrill.