Fuck U: Forester University Adventure Blog

Recruitment Drive

In a run-down dorm on the edge of Forester University's disgusting campus, Neil Drexler looked as his watch, and turned to his roommate Ryan Tiratore. The English major ran his hand through his disheveled brown hair, and pulled out a thin black jacket with a hood on it. He looked in the mirror, and picked up the weapon from his closet. The meter long piece of steel re-bar had duct tape on one end, making it a weapon from one of Drexler's favorite books. Despite calling it a 'redneck katana,' the weapon was just a piece of rebar. He put on his spare backpack, which had been loaded with bad books.

Ryan, the tall, stocky Evil Engineering major, turned to his roommate. He turned his blue eyes and looming form towards the English major. "That time of week again?"

Drexler nodded. Ryan put on his lab coat, pulled down his goggles, and picked up what appeared to be a Revolutionary War musket from the corner of the room. He checked the laser he had added inside the barrel, and fixed the bayonet to it.

"I'll get Jeff," Ryan pulled out his cell phone, and dialed a familiar number. "You get Eliana."

Neil nodded and called up his girlfriend, throwing his redneck katana over his shoulder.


Meanwhile, in the woods near campus, a pair of screaming girls ran through the woods. The sound of a chainsaw grew louder behind them, drowning out their cries for help. A History major in a ghillie suit, clutching a K-Bar knife, watched from his concealed position. He was a tall, thin man with brown eyes and his hair cut short. One of the girls tripped, and the other tried to pick her up. It was then their pursuer raised his weapon for a finishing blow.

"I've got you this time, Chainsaw Face," Jeffrey Stone muttered to himself. He was about to pull a tripwire to drop the chainsaw maniac into a pit of punji sticks when his cell phone rang. Due to the fact the ring tone was the soothing sound of a Browning M2 .50 caliber machine gun firing, it gave him away fast. Should have remembered to set it to vibrate, Stone mused. The chainsaw maniac's hockey-mask covered face turned away from the cornered girls, towards the now exposed hunter.

Just then, one of the girls kneed Chainsaw Face in the crotch, dropping him to his knees, wincing. The other turned to see Stone.

"Hey, Beth, let's get out of here before any more freaks show up," the blonde girl said to her friend.

"Sure, Jess," the brunette said. "Glad I took those self-defense classes."

Stone now retreated from his position, not wanting to face the wrath of two females. He would have to leave the mad slasher, but there would always be next time. Looking at his cell phone, he could see it was Ryan calling up. "Yeah?" he asked. "Meeting at 1800 hours, then?"

"Affirmative," Jeff replied. "See you then."

Jeff vanished back into the shadows of the woods, heading towards the meeting place.


Meanwhile, in the depths of the campus library, a lone signal managed to penetrate the thick structure. Eliana Escobar picked up her cell phone and checked the time. She ran her hand through her wavy hair, and left the building. The Psychology major put her books back into her bag and headed to the meeting place in the Tesla Building. Clutching the ancient enchanted Aztec macuahuitl and obsidian sacrificial dagger, she left the library and headed for where the Campus Defense Club was meeting with their advisor.


Tesla Hall stood at the other end of campus from the dorms, dominating the skyline due to the fact it was a castle imported from Eastern Europe. High-tech looking instruments covered the top of the structure, in stark contrast to its medieval look. The Tesla coils at the top were activated, creating one of the more interesting light shows on campus to newcomers. However, by the hundredth time it happened, it was much less interesting to watch.

The four students entered the front door, which had a moat underneath it. "Careful not to slip," Ryan warned them. "They just got a new shipment of cyborg gators down there."

They entered the ominous structure, and navigated directly down the well-lit, brightly painted central hallway. Near the end, they found their club advisor's office. "Johan Mauser von Schadenfreude, PhD (Evil Engineering)" was emblazoned on the nearby door. German industrial music was audible down the hall way, and an old man with a Prussian styled spiked pichelhaube helmet and Imperial German uniform sat inside the room. Pictures of Otto von Bismarck, Frederick the Great, Friedrich Nietzsche, and the logos of Heckler and Koch, Mauser, Walther, and Sig Sauer adorned the walls. Black and white photographs of clockwork constructs also covered his desk. A cane and Mauser pistol reconfigured to shoot lasers sat at the edge of his desk. He turned down the Rammstein music as the group came into his office.

"Gutten nacht, mein students. What do you have to report?" the Doktor asked.

"Herr Doktor, we have some problems," Ryan replied. "It's School Club Recruitment Week, and most of our enemies are getting a shot of new blood."

"Which of them are the strongest now?" Mauser asked, never taking his right hand away from the typewriter connected to the Babbage engine in the corner.

"The Campus Christian Club's expanded the largest, the Art Club and New Age Fellowship have been sporting new members, the RPG Society's gotten some new group members, but not as large as the others," Ryan replied. "And our traditional recruiting pools have no new members."

"How about the Greeks?" Mauser grit his teeth, loosing his accent for a moment.

"Their ranks are swelling," Neil added. "But haven't seen much of them lately."

"I've got some bad news as well, sir," Stone saluted. "I requested reinforcements from my ROTC commander, and they sent several teams."

"Excellent, Oberleutnant!" Mauser saluted back. "Did they send the Army Rangers or Delta Force?"

"Both, sir," Stone looked down in disgust. "The ones who survived the first night had to be put in asylums. They didn't have much better luck with the Navy SEALS or Marines."

"Ficken!" Mauser cursed. "How about reinstating the campus police? Sending the state police? Or even the FBI?"

"Not enough money," Stone replied. "Our state governor saw fit to spend the law enforcement budget, along with the education and environmental cleanup funds, on more prostitutes and drugs. So, we're still the only thing standing in between order and chaos on campus."

"And we don't have any new members, I assume?" Mauser muttered.

The group shook their heads.

"I do have an idea, though," Eliana spoke up. "How about some hands on recruiting?"

"So, our own draft, then?" Stone muttered. "That's a horrible idea. It would just give the damn hippies another target... It's bad enough the only rule enforced on campus is that ban on blades we can't conceal and regular guns. The last thing we need to do is press-gang a bunch of mindless froshies."

"No, no," Eli grinned. "I think we should go out on patrol, and see if anyone's being given trouble by our enemies."

"Gut idea!" Mauser added. "Perhaps you may find some kindred souls. Since some of you will be graduating soon, I'd prefer some new blood. Preferably still being circulated in a living body, that is."

Neil nodded. "We'll start patrolling by the freshman dorms," he pointed to the massive twin tower dorms in the distance. "Perhaps we'll find some freshmen we can help."

"Sounds like a plan," Ryan added. "Let's roll!"

"Oo-rah!" Stone exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air. He pulled out his Marine-issue K-Bar knife and several darts. "Let's hunt!"

Ryan readied his laser musket. "It's all for science," he grinned.

Eliana pulled out her enchanted macana and sacrificial dagger. "Tlazolteotl had better show my enemies mercy, since I won't!"

Neil put his redneck katana over his shoulder, and swung it down. "Terminus est!" he held the 'blade' out in front of him.

"Now that you've done your posing, how about going out on patrol?" Mauser complained. "As we speak, someone could be getting harassed by frat boys, raped by the campus mascot, or worse."

"Fine, fine," Neil looked dejected. "Let's head to the Herbert-Wolfe towers!"


The group headed for the massive structures that stood over the other dorms. The two towers were relics from the 1950s, ten-story brick structures joined at the base and visible from all over campus. Most of the freshmen class was forced into the building, and the number of lights on in the towers would indicate who was on campus. Several lights were on, indicating that the freshmen class did not decide to leave randomly.

"Hey, look there!" Ryan looked at somebody running behind the towers.

Several figures with Greek letters on their coats had rushed in a group. The letters "Alpha," "Sigma," and another "Sigma" were clearly visible.

"Shit," Stone pulled out his knife. "Not these assholes again."

"Figures they'd be giving someone trouble," Ryan readied his laser. "Let's see who they're harassing this time."

Jeff proceeded ahead and gestured for Ryan to follow him. Ryan followed Jeff, holding his musket in hand while doing the 'commando crawl' that Jeff had showed him. They crawled on their bellies around the side of the building, and Ryan saw the scene through his customized goggles. Several frat boys were standing in a circle around an unseen figure. Ryan tried to zoom in with his goggles to get a better view.

"No good," he whispered to Stone. "I can't see their victim."

"Looks like will have to take them, then," Stone grinned. "Tell Neil I'm ready."

Ryan moved back towards the edge of the building and gave a gesture to his comrades. Neil signaled back. It was time to begin the assault. Neil moved into position, holding his redneck katana and pulling out a bad book from the bag. Eliana began reciting words in Nahuatl, calling on her favorite Aztec goddess. Her skin became covered with slime and dirt, and she drew her ancient Aztec weapons. Jeff grinned, preparing to throw his darts from the bush nearby. Ryan lay prone with Jeff guarding him, training his sights on one of the frat boys near the edge of the circle.

"Go," Neil gestured to Ryan.

A blast of invisible light emerged from the barrel, causing one of the goon's heads to explode. Jeff jumped from the bush, throwing his darts at the eyes of another before finishing him off with his knife. Several frat boys rushed at Ryan and Stone before Eliana blasted them with a torrent of toxic waste. Ryan, so he dove behind some bushes. Their projectile vomit, so full of alcohol and fermented bodily fluids, dissolved the bushes. Ryan blasted both with his laser musket. Eli reached into the chest of one frat boy, but since he had no heart, she pulled out his liver instead. Neil smashed one frat boy with his rebar katana, and rammed it into another. Neil smashed several more of the frat boys with his redneck katana before they began to surround him. "Everyone, fall back!" he shouted, then turned to the frat boys. "Got a present for ya!"

After his comrades had reached the safe distance, Neil pulled out one of the most horrible books he had. He pulled out the copy of "Battlefield Earth" by L. Ron Hubbard and threw it at the frat boys. The book, being concentrated shit, reached violently with the soil of New Jersey, which was full of toxic waste. The resulting explosion wiped out a large chunk of the frat boys. Now, Neil could see their original intended victim, walking out of the debris of the explosion.

A tall, muscular black man, dressed in a gi and holding a bokken in hand, approached them. The three last frat boys rushed at him at once. He narrowed his eyes, and muttered, "Bankai!" to himself. He vanished from sight for a moment, and the frat boys vanished from view. The man reappeared, holding his wooden sword over his shoulder, smirking. Bits of frat boy, reduced to liquid booze, fell from midair.

"I had it under control, I hope you realize," the man put his bokken under his gi's belt and bowed. "But I thank you for your efforts. Arigato."

Neil bowed in return. "I'm Neil Drexler, and these are my friends in the Campus Defense Club," he gestured to the others. "We had hoped to find some new recruits."

"I am Lloyd White," the man bowed again. "Freshman business major. I am honored to make your acquaintance."

"Likewise," Neil added. "You're a pretty good fighter. You handled those frat boys like they were nothing!"

"As did you," Lloyd nodded. "Tell me, what does your group do?"

"Kick the asses of all the filthy hippies, drunken morons, and jerk-offs on campus when they try to start shit," Jeff cleaned his knife. "Sadly, the only campus rules they do enforce are no practical weapons. So, we're forced to improvise. The rest of campus is almost defenseless from these threats."

"Then would you grant me the honor of allowing me to fight alongside you?" Lloyd asked.

"Sure!" Neil shook Lloyd's hand. "Glad to have you on board!"

"I'm Ryan Tiratore, junior Evil Engineering major and future mad scientist," Ryan lifted his goggles while shaking Lloyd's hand.

"The name's Stone. Jeffrey Stone. The only ROTC member on campus," Stone added. "Senior History major and fan of unconventional warfare."

"I'm Eliana Escobar," Eli turned her skin back to normal. "Junior Psych major and proud Aztec high priestess."

"I'm a junior English major, and club president," Neil said. "We're out on patrol now. Would you mind helping us?"

"Not at all," Lloyd grinned. "Glad for the chance to get some good practice."

The group continued patrolling, with their new member behind them. The following morning, the campus was as close to normal as it got. As Lloyd would find out, that would be "not at all."