Fuck U: Forester University Adventure Blog
Battle of Ninja Forest
After a grueling week of classes, Neil Drexler returned to his dorm and crashed in his bed.
"Long week?" his roommate Ryan Tiratore asked him as he sat in front of his computer, playing a game. "Tell me about it."
"You don't have to write twenty page papers on obscure post-modernist literature," the lanky man muttered as he closed his eyes. "And sit through group discussions on post-modernism, feminism, or whatever other themes the class can subjectively yank out of any given work."
"Lazy bastard," the stocky Evil Engineering major countered. "I had to research technical journals, run computer analysis and simulations on pain in the ass software, and then write a twenty page report on it. Single spaced and with two columns."
"Yes, but you didn't have to read these horrid excuses for literature," Neil pointed to the backpack of disgusting tomes. "I'd rather read the Necronomicon aloud, or some manga about tentacle hentai than this shit!"
"Look on the bright side," Ryan Tiratore shrugged. "At least that bag's full of ammo."
"Yeah, but it never gets very lighter," Neil complained. "The problem with being an English major is you get exposed to all these fucking awful books without even having to check out those creepy tomes on loan from Miskatonic."
Ryan tapped a book on his desk, a dog-eared copy of the Pnakotic Manuscripts. "Hey, they aren't that bad," Ryan countered. "I mean, look at what I was able to make with this!"
He pulled out a digital camera from his drawer. Ryan pointed it out the open window at a dead tree. He pushed the button on the top, and lightning blasted out of the front of the camera. The dead tree was blasted into splinters. Neil whistled at the destruction.
"I love those Cones," Ryan muttered. "I liked their lightning guns looked like old cameras, so I just made it more compact."
"Definitely smaller than the laser musket," Neil added. "So, you going out on patrol with that tonight?"
"Probably, but I've made plans with Stone," Ryan replied.
"And those are?" Neil pulled up a pillow.
"As he would say, 'Don't ask, don't tell,'" Ryan answered. "But we'll probably go out on patrol at some point."
"Then only Eli and Lloyd would be available for patrol if Stone and us are out of it," Neil complained. "So, one of us has to go out there."
"Relax, man," Ryan turned to his roommate. "Get some rest, and let's get the group together later. It's probably going to be a quiet night, anyway."
"Yeah, right," Neil replied. "I saw Pedro Zampeller earlier in class."
"The Anime Club president?" Ryan asked. "The neurotic guy?"
"Yeah. He was dressed in a ninja suit," Neil shuddered at the thought. "They're going to a convention tomorrow, and they're all walking around campus in those awful outfits."
"The Anime Club's got a bunch of new members and demented leader," Ryan recalled. "And if I recall correctly, didn't the club leader go to that martial arts supply store last week?"
"How would you know that, anyway?" Neil inquired.
"A friend of mine works there, and said a psychotic nerd purchased a load of ninja-related gear. Throwing stars, swords, blowguns, ninja outfits, and stranger crap," Ryan replied.
Just then, Neil heard an evil cackle from an unknown source. He looked around, and realized it was Ryan's cell phone ring tone. "Yeah, Jeff?" the mad scientist in training asked Stone. "Shit!"
"What's up?" Neil asked.
"I believe that the statistically odds are such that Stone needs backup at the bamboo forest," Ryan picked up his camera and musket. He threw on his lab coat and adjusted his goggles. "Looks like our ninja friends are starting shit there!"
Neil muttered to himself as he got up, and readied himself. He picked up his rebar rod, and threw on his jacket. It was time for another patrol. He called up Lloyd and Eli, and mobilized the Campus Defense Club.
Neil walked with his lab-coat clad roommate towards the edge of campus. On their way, they met Lloyd, who had a dark blue gi on, and Eli, who was dressed in in a suit made from a jaguar.
"Don't ask," she said. "But I'll say that fur isn't murder if it attacks you first."
"Just don't wear that if we go against any hippies," Ryan added. "They're already trying to get me for those animal experiments I did."
"What, you don't support animal rights?" Eli asked.
"I'm an avid fan of animal rights," Ryan complained. "Namely, the right to be delicious!"
Just then, Stone dropped out of a nearby tree. He was clad in his normal camo face paint and ghillie suit, but several cuts and gashes covered his body. He looked up at Ryan as he pulled a shuriken out of his shoulder.
"Dammit, I didn't see them until it was too late!" Stone exclaimed. "Those sneaky bastards somehow managed to catch me off guard, despite none of them having any military training!"
"They may have some form of ninja magic assisting them, then," Lloyd added. "Cosplayers have been known to spend large amounts of money for props for their costumes. Do you see what kind of clothing they were wearing?"
"That's the weirdest thing!" Stone exclaimed. "They were in bright orange and blue outfits! I must have gone blind, since despite being brighter than a flash-light, I didn't see them sneaking up on me!"
Lloyd shook his head and sighed deeply. "If this is true, then we are truly in deep," he looked down at the ground. "You said they went to a martial arts store for these costumes and ninja supplies, right?"
"Yes, the one down the highway from here," Ryan added. "I believe they might have purchased enchanted items, given the amount of money they spent there."
"So those suits help them stay invisible, despite looking utterly ridiculous?" Lloyd scratched his head. "I may be old fashioned, but don't ninjas dress in black or dark blue only when other costumes fail? Or even hide as other social classes?"
"Yes, but these aren't people knowledgeable about the historical truths of ninjitsu," Ryan replied. "These are anime and manga otaku. World of difference. Since the fake ninjas of anime wear orange jumpsuits and wield magic powers, that's probably where they go their idea from. The gear they bought was probably made to cash in on ninja fanboys, anyway."
"So, we're facing a bunch of ninja fanboys with supernatural abilities?" Neil muttered to himself. "How the hell are we supposed to face them if we can't even see them?"
"I think that if we dress up like their traditional enemies, we may have a better chance of provoking a reaction from the pirates," Eli recommended. "But I'm not sure who ninja fanboys would consider enemies."
"Perhaps samurai," Lloyd suggested. "If that's the case, I'll be the target."
"Nah, stop thinking logically for a second," Ryan added. "Think of memes and fanboys. If we want to do that, we'd best dress up like pirates."
"I have a few extra handkerchiefs and some fake eyepatches we could use," Eli added. "My little brothers wanted to be pirates for Halloween this year, and I'm making their costumes. We can run to my dorm and get them."
The group headed towards Eli's dorm in Newer Residence Hall. The building had made of cheap styrofoam insulation, but was the newest dorm on campus. Eli vanished inside for several minutes, and came back out with bags reading "Rogue's Pleasure Costume Shop."
Eli put on a headband, and handed out tri-corner hats, plastic eyepatches, and fake hook hands to the group. Stone put on a plastic eyepatch and fake hook, Neil put on a tri-corner hat, Lloyd wore a single eyepatch, and Ryan put on a headwrap above his googles.
"Ar, mateys!" Stone swung his knife around wildly. "Ready to plunder some booty from the ninjas!"
"As long as it's not anal plundering," Ryan looked at Stone. "We'll save that for later."
"Ar! The only anal plundering will be this knife up their arses!" he pretended to have a drunken swagger.
Eli rolled her eyes. "Let's just get this over with, alright?"
"I may dishonor myself dressing like this," Lloyd remarked. "But it will help protect the campus from deranged cosplayers and horrible anime."
The group left for the bamboo forest. Near the creepy abandoned house at the edge of campus was a bamboo grove. Despite the soil being toxic waste saturated New Jersey standard topsoil, a hardy strain of bamboo had been planted there. Why and how, no one knew. But there was a grove of bamboo on the edge of campus, and it was now occupied by insane cosplayers lead by a neurotic otaku.
The group assembled at the edge of the bamboo forest, clad in their pirate gear. Neil pointed his piece of reebar into the dark bamboo forest. "Ar! Ninjas, we're pirates, and we're here to rape and plunder ye!" he said in his best pirate voice.
Eli shoved Neil out of the way, narrowly avoiding the volley of shurikens that erupted from the forest. Several anime nerds, some fat, some thin, some covered in acne, and some strangely fit, stood at the tops of the bamboo stalks, dressed in orange jumpsuits. At their head was a short, lean nerd with a beard and glasses. Neil knew that this was Pedro Zampeller, the head of the Anime Club and mastermind behind the ninja attacks.
"Asshole pirates!" he waved a ninjato sword at them. "This is our turf!"
"Ar, that don't give ye the right tah attack anyone who walks by," Neil said in his pirate voice. "We be defendin' the rights of this place from the likes of ye!"
Pedro gestured to a dozen of his ninjas. "Get them! Pirates suck!"
Ryan pulled out his camera, blasting a fake ninja with electricity. "Shocking," he remarked. "Who wants a jolt?" The orange-clad ninjas vanished into a swarm of pixels. Ryan knew why. Since the anime fanatics had played so many Japanese videogames, they had inadvertently digitized themselves into their games, and vanished into pixels rather than bleeding. They'd respawn after someone turned the game on again.
Stone dodged a bo staff where his head was, bowing under the strike. He stabbed the ninja in the exposed armpit, dropping him. He threw the bleeding ninja's body at two other ninjas, stopping their shurikens in mid-air. He moved to the side and threw a fist full of darts at the two, dropping them all into red pixels.
"Ar, they're cream puffs like this!" Stone said in character.
A large nerd jumped down in front of Eli. He was twirling a set of sai in his hands, trying to stab Eli with them.
"Those be punching weapons, fool!" Eli said in pirate talk. "There's faster way's to my heart than that!"
She rammed her hand into the nerd's chest, and pulled out his still beating heart. "That's my personal favorite." The nerd could only stare as the heart stopped beating, and vanished into a swarm of red pixels.
Lloyd dashed into the woods, holding his bokken high over his head. A ninja jumped down from a nearby bamboo stalk, attacking with a sword. Lloyd ducked and slashed him, causing him to vanish in a flash of red pixels. Then another ninja attacked with his blowgun, causing Lloyd to stop it with his bokken. Lloyd jumped between the stalks of bamboo to get to the ninja's level, and hit him with the wooden blade. The blowgun ninja vanished into a cloud of red pixels. Two more ninjas jumped at him, and he ducked and slashed both. Two more blasts of red pixels, and they were gone.
Neil was engaged in a fight with three of the ninjas. One brought his bo staff down, while another charged with his ninjato, and the third attacked with his throwing stars. Neil parried the bo staff with his redneck katana, The rebar barely held out against he large nerd with the staff, who was bringing his body weight down to crush him. Just then, an arc of lightning struck him, turning the ninja into a flash of pixels. Neil saw Ryan with his camera, pointing behind him. Neil turned around and smashed the attacker with the ninjato in the face, pixelating him. The last ninja turned to run, but a dart from Stone dropped him.
"Shit!" Pedro shouted. "I've got more where that came from. Know why this grove is a great place for us?"
"Why is that, matey?" Neil asked. "Because the bamboo goes well with the sneakin' in the shadows and all?"
"No, because stoned junkies and frat boys hang out here! All the drugs they use has parted the veils between dimensions," he paused for dramatic effect. "Finally allowing us to BREAK THE FOURTH WALL! MWUHAHAHA! Anything we imagine becomes reality, and we hold roleplaying seasons back here all the time!"
"But, that's impossible! Even for the worst books, that's never been done in reality before!" Neil protested, pulling off his pirate costume. "That does it! We can't let you stay here!"
"Make me," Zampeller taunted them from his bamboo stalk, snickering.
Neil reacted impulsively, pulling out a horrible tome from his bag. He hurled a copy of 120 Days of Sodom at Zampeller's location, hoping to catch the elusive club leader. There was an explosion, and Neil looked, expecting to see Zampeller and the remaining ninjas gone. Instead, there was no effect, save blasting everyone out of their ninja and pirate outfits.
"You think that's bad? I've read, and hell, I've wrote fanfiction worse than that!" Pedro taunted, unfazed by the attack. "My turn!"
At that, Pedro Zampeller pulled out a stack of manga books. He hurled issues of Legend of the Overfiend, Bible Black, La Blue Girl, The Sagara Family, and Boku no Sexual Harassment at the group.
Lloyd promptly vomited, Eli tried clawing her eyes out, Neil cowered, Stone cried like a baby, and Ryan's goggles cracked. All five began vomiting, while Zampeller laughed. "You can dish it out, but you can't take it!" he snickered. "Come on, club, let's play some of this!"
He pulled out an RPG rulebook with a giant robot on the cover. "Now, we'll bring out our big guns!"
Zampeller vanished into the bamboo forest, and evil cackling was heard.
"Come on, we can't let them get away with that!" Stone recovered. "I know that was horrible, but that's nothing compared to what I watch!"
He pulled out a DVD labeled "Philosophy of a Knife," and then back into the woods. "Who knows what they'll conjure up next? I don't want to be raped by tentacle monsters!"
"Tentacle monsters, huh," Ryan mused, clutching his chin. "That gives me an idea."
Just then, the ground started shaking. Lloyd looked up, recovering from his projectile vomiting. "Stand fast!" he shouted. "They've summoned what every anime nerd masturbates to!"
It was then the giant robot emerged from the bamboo forest. It was a bright red and white design, and across the chest, it read, "EMA: Emotionally Manipulated Armor," in well-lit letters. It held a laser katana in each of its robotic hands, and a loudspeaker was mounted on its chest. Crying was heard from within. "I must fight the evil monsters!" a whiny voice from the cabin shouted.
Lloyd dodged a slash of the laser katana and drew his bokken. "BANKAI!" he shouted, vanishing from view. He and the robot vanished for a second, and reappeared soon afterwards. Lloyd was standing proudly, while one of the arms had been cut off.
"YOU'LL NEVER BEAT ME!" came the irritating pilot's voice. "SUPER KI MONEYSHOT ATTACK!"
A blast of white energy from between the robot's legs knocked Lloyd to the ground, badly burned and heavily wounded. Ryan quickly pulled out his camera, taking a picture of it and stunning it with the electric bolt. Stone tried jamming the leftover ninjato into the leg joints, only to find they were strangely immune to damage.
"YOU CHEAT!" the whining robot pilot complained. It kicked Stone off, and punted him back towards the dorms. It threw Ryan to the ground in front of the robot, where Neil and Eli were. It was about to step on all three when Eli shouted, "Wait!"
"Huh?" the emotionally unstable pilot asked.
"Why are you fighting us? We have no quarrel with you!" Eli shouted. "You dishonor yourself by fighting strangers and innocents!"
A cry of angst came over the loudspeaker. "I have disgraced my honorable samurai ancestors!" the pilot shouted. At that, the pilot knelt the robot down. Then, the robot got the laser katana, and an automated message played. "Initiation robo-seppuku!" it stated as it cut through the cockpit with the sword, killing the pilot. The robot vanished in a blur of red pixels.
"Great work!" Neil hugged Eliana. "How'd you get him to kill himself?"
"I recognized that manga. It was about a whining Japanese stereotype and perverted emo kid piloting a giant robot," Eli said. "We studied in a psych class called "Perverted Fuckers Who Got Published," or something like that. Not even a real Japanese one. Just written by some hentai fanboy from the States."
"Figures," Neil cracked. "But what are we going to do about the Anime Club? We can't just let them stay there!"
In the woods, Pedro's voice could clearly be heard. "Hey! Quick, get me the Call of Cthulhu rulebooks!"
Ryan stood back up and adjusted his cracked goggles. "Let me call Stone," he grinned. "It's about time for them to get a dose of their own medicine."
Stone snuck into the center of the bamboo grove. In one hand was a book that Neil and Ryan had borrowed from the Miskatonic University school library and given a fake cover. He say the fanboys were clustered around a makeshift folding table, with maps and miniatures on it. Figuring they would be largely inattentive to anything that wasn't involved with the game, Stone made his move. There was an RPG rulebook called "Call of Cthulhu," and Stone slipped the fake RPG book onto the table, taking the real one. He moved stealthy out of the fanboy camp, and watched Pedro open the book. It was actually the real Necronomicon Pedro was holding, rather than some role playing game guide.
"Hey, what's that sound?" Pedro turned to see Stone directly. He gulped. "I roll to notice the good guy trying to escape!"
A friend rolled the dice. "You fail your spot check," he said grimly.
"Then I'll cast a spell!" Pedro paged through the Necronomicon rapidly. "I cast Cthulhu's Tentacles of Anal Penetration!"
It was then a portal opened up, and long, sinewy tentacles emerged from it. The group was enveloped by tentacles in places that made even Stone sick. The commando watched from a tree as the tentacles finished their business, and retreated back into the portal. The portal closed, and the fanboys all flashed, and melted into pixels. As Stone looked out, he realized that while he was not religious, Cthulhu truly was an awesome god.