i thought i saw you on the tram again
i thought i saw
you
here
in this country, thousands away from your own

i thought i saw you again

i looked over,
and you were there
half smiling (thats all i could i see)
wearing those beloved khaki's of yours
that straight white line of your nose..

it made my heart start to hammer
with those impossible questions
were you here?
why were you here?
was it actually you?

you were so close
but i couldn't even see your face

just a couple feet away
were your feet standing firmly away from mine
i leaned forward a little to see more of his face
but all i could see was you.

those long straight eyelashes
those freckled cheeks
that beautiful left side of your mouth
those cute big ears,
that natural blondish-brown tone of your hair
the one that suit you so well,
the one you didn't bleach,
just let grow out

i leaned forward even more,
but pulled back suddenly.

why was i doing this?
why wasn't over you?
why was i shaking,
heart-battering,
blushing
just at the thought of you here?

you weren't here.
you couldn't be.
you were 5,337 miles away.
weren't you?

stop.

thats what i had to do.

stop.

why was my heart,
my mind,
my face
betraying me like this?

when i talked to you on the phone
four months ago
just hearing your voice,
i knew i was over you.

it wasn't the same
the boyish, fun, slightly cracking
voice i knew and loved.
i thought that was it.
i finally knew i was over you.

now i knew my mistake.

I had never seen you.

we were coming to my stop.
i vowed to myself i would look straight at your face as i left
i would never see you again,
so why would it matter?

my resolve lessened as i walked to the door,
still without turning to glance at him
i could look through the windows,
i resolved,
once i get out.

i got out.
the window were dirty.
the tram passed.
but i saw that grin,
that haircut...

i guess i'll never know.

apr. 21, 09