Ever felt that sense of impending doom?
Ever known your life would change?
Ever felt scared?

well that's how i feel now
i feel like a cricket feels when
it is locked in a cage with a tarantula
waiting,
just waiting
living out it's last days of freedom
in fear.

i wonder if he
bounces around,
trying to find a opening in the cage
or if he just stays still,
trying to not to draw attention to himself?

i wonder if
he knows he will die soon
does he even care?
does he even feel sad about leaving
whatever he has behind?

Maybe he has nothing.
Maybe he has no behind, no past

maybe thats where he and i are different

i don't want to leave.
i want to stay.

i want to stay,
In love,
Obessed with a certain book
i want to stay
Exploring writing
a land i never even thought of trying out
but someplace i've found i love

i want to stay
Learning,
Always learning
but learning what
I want to learn.
Drawing.
i've seen ugly and and i've seen beautiful
and i know mine are in between,
but i want to try
i wanted to be better

I wanted to be great.

now i can't.

Dancing.
is something i enjoy.
i'm definitely not spectacular
But i'd like to think i have something special.
that feeling,
the one you hear singers,
Actors,
Comedians talk about about.

Spanish.
is the language i wanted
to learn first.
it's the language i love
it's the language i'd more than WILLINGLY
use my free time for.
but that isn't the language i'll use it for.

You find things when you are lonely.
You find love,
Not in people,
But in yourself.

You find love for things that might have been neglected in the past
You find things you didn't know existed.
You even find a little acceptance of yourself.

maybe you even find people
who know you.
not the one with the genuine smiles.
and the one who doesn't see the point of being anything but happy
when you are

no, the one who can be pessimistic about about life
and depressed at the drop of a hat
and the one tries to hide behind her nonexistent bedroom door.

that girl.
i actually liked her.
i liked how she was honest
and i liked her not-so innocent sense of humor
i liked the way she put her all into the things that mattered
To her.

i'll miss the way she could live without a 'life'
i'll miss her proud of self-accomplishments
i'll miss her when she gets left behind

Replaced by the girl of Solid Schoolwork.