Author's Note: I have to warn you, this story is very long and has no point to it. If you, like myself, prefer stories that are personally fulfilling to read, I would go read something else. This was written and published strictly for laughs. Paragraph breaks have been added by popular request.

Once there was a man named Bob Smith. He worked in a mayonnaise factory in New York City. He loved his job and his life. But then one day, while Bob was driving to work, with a smile on his face and thinking of the big promotion he might get (Junior Mayonnaise Jar Filler to Senior Mayonnaise Jar Filler), his car was stepped on by Godzilla. Luckily, he had not been in his car when it happened, but now he was stuck in the middle of the city with no car. But, he had his wallet, which had his driver's license, fifty thousand dollars, two credit cards, some pictures, a coupon for 50¢ off a haircut Wally's Barber Shop on 3rd Street, a pocketknife, and his bus pass. He immediately decided to try to call his work to tell them he would be a little late (he did not want to lose that promotion). But his fifty thousand dollars was all in one hundred dollar bills, so he asked this bald slimy-looking guy with a scar over his eye, all black clothes with like, a million pockets, and a total of six teeth (if you count the one growing on his toe) for change. The guy asked him what he was trying to break, and Bob told him. The guy hit Bob on the head with a giant golf club, stole all of Bob's money, his credit cards, his driver's license, and his bus pass, and then ran off into the night.

Four hundred forty-two million six hundred twenty-five thousand two hundred and thirty seven hours later, Bob woke up. He wondered where all his stuff went and where the nice man had gone. But suddenly he realized that he was probably late for his job. Screaming hysterically, he ran off in the direction of the mayonnaise factory. After he ran a few blocks, he got tired and decided to rest. While he was resting, he found some used gum between the cracks on a sidewalk, and thought that it was a shame for useful gum to go to waste, so he stuck it in his pocket. Then he started running again. A few blocks later, he tripped over an empty soda can, hit the ground, and fell unconscious. While he was unconscious, a hobo stole his 50¢ coupon. After that, aliens were scanning the area for potential abductees and saw Bob just lying there, so they opened up their abduction beam and took Bob inside their ship. They flew away from New York City towards the Caribbean. While they were flying, Bob woke up. The aliens started asking him all sorts of weird questions about roads, hair dryers, 70's music, Kansas, magazines, socks, vending machines, and George Washington. Bob did not understand them at all and ran around in circles inside their ship. The aliens figured he must be useless, so they opened a trap door and dropped Bob. He fell for two thousand seven hundred and seventy-six meters, landed in the ocean, and then swam to a tiny, one-palm-tree desert island in the middle of nowhere.

He sat on the island and suddenly remembered he was late for his job. Screaming hysterically, he ran around the small island a couple dozen times before he suddenly got distracted by a strange grain of sand. But then he realized that is was just an ordinary grain of sand and got angry at it for tricking him. He picked up the grain of sand and threw it into the ocean. The grain of sand hit Beltheksozz, the giant brown whale of the Deep, who got angry, rose up, and swallowed the whole island. Bob was scared at first, but then he remembered Pinocchio and used his pocketknife and his teeth to light a fire inside the whale. But the fire lit Beltheksozz's stomach acid on fire and Bob found himself surrounded by flames and smoke. Bob started crying uncontrollably when suddenly the fire burned a hole through Beltheksozz's stomach and Bob swam out. Beltheksozz did not even notice and swam away. Bob tried to swim to the surface, but then a submarine full of depressed clowns hit him, making him fall unconscious, and he sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Four thousand four hundred and twenty three seconds later, Bob woke up and asked a sea cucumber for directions. Since the sea cucumber only spoke Latin, Spanish, French, German, Japanese, Cantonese, Thai, Tajik, Kurdish, Arabic, Hindi, Esperanto, Irish-Gaelic, the binary language of moisture vaporators, Nordic, Ainu, Greek, and Eskimo, Bob did not know which way to go. He flipped a coin, which landed on tails. So he decided to go up.

When he reached the surface, he swam for eleventy-jillion meters until he reached land. He was in the jungle. He saw some smoke and decided to go that way. He walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked until he got to the source of the smoke. It was Mt. Puwahikihaki, the volcano with the world record for the most people who got toasted by it. But Bob did not know this. He climbed to the brim of the volcano and looked into it. He saw a fat, hairy tourist floating on his back in the lava, reading a newspaper. The tourist looked up at him and yelled at him for blocking his sunlight. Bob quickly stepped to the side, which caused him to fall off the volcano and roll all the way back down, hit one hundred seventy-two red rocks, twenty eight blue rocks, four and a half yellow rocks, and negative seven green rocks along the way. After Bob brushed off the dust and the blood, he remembered that he was late for his job. Screaming hysterically, he ran through the jungle. But then a passing aborigine waved at him. Not wanting to be rude, Bob stopped running and was going to wave back when suddenly a vulture swooped down, grabbed Bob, and took him away. They flew all the way to China. The vulture suddenly forgot what it was doing and dropped Bob into the middle of a street. The vulture flew off, had a family, became a millionaire, and ran for president of Kurjjikmeniquizikiestan. Bob was hit by a truck and broke all his bones. He lay on the street for about thirty seconds or so, then glued all his bones back together with Elmer's Glue, and then started walking through the city.

He suddenly realized that he was hungry. He went to a restaurant and ate a ham sandwich, a turkey sandwich, a grilled cheese sandwich, a meatball sandwich, a BBQ bacon sandwich, a lettuce and tomato sandwich, a bread sandwich, a frog sandwich, a sushi sandwich, an ice cream sandwich, a fish sandwich, a sandwich sandwich, and a peanut butter and banana sandwich before realizing he had no money. The restaurant owner was so mad he got his army of eighteen thousand six hundred and forty-three and a half thugs to beat Bob up and throw him in the dumpster. Bob was groaning in pain in the dumpster for exactly one minute when he realized that he was late for his job. Screaming hysterically, Bob jumped out of the dumpster and ran down the street. But then a passing pedestrian skidded into Bob with a piercing screech of grinding metal, and Bob was flung around thirty-five point seven-nine-zero-two meters away. He landed in a vegetable cart. After wiping off the vegetable mess, Bob saw a bunch of people participating in a running race. He decided to run along with them. They ran up a hill, down a hill, through an alley, through several people's houses, around a stop sign, under a car, up a building, over a puddle, and through a minefield. Bob ran faster than any of them and won the race. He received a shiny solid uranium trophy and prize money of twenty thousand dollars. He spent the money on medical treatment for the radiation burns he got from the uranium trophy. But after winning the race, he received an invitation to go to a fancy party at an eccentric gagillionaire's castle in Europe.

He flew there in a broken-down helicopter named Steve. At the party, Bob was having a good time but he knew that something was missing. He sat down on the cake for forty-seven minutes and then remembered that the party would be ten times better if it had his favorite yodeling song, "Yodelin' to the Oldies". He puts the song in the boom box, started singing, and jumped onto the chandelier swinging around. Everybody loved it and several people instantly nominated Bob for Yodeler of the Year. But he fell off the chandelier and got catapulted out of one of the stained-glass windows. He landed in the moat and was chased around it by Zimbabwe-brand crocodiles thirty-six times. One of his many adoring fans threw him a life preserver, which hit him in the head and made him go unconscious. The Zimbabwe-brand crocodiles were about to eat him when all of a sudden they got bored and left. Bob floated down a sewer drain and all of his adoring fans forgot about him within the next six minutes.

In the sewer, Bob woke up with a strange man. The man had one leg, a Scottish accent, the life preserver that he gnaws on for every three words he says, a pet gecko named Harold, a banjo, and a box labeled Miscreants. He started telling Bob a story about when he was a zookeeper. He said one day he went to feed Stu the large elephant piranha hybrid and was attacked. After losing his hair, right lung, appendix, nine teeth, and a shoelace, the man fell into the sewer, floated downstream, crawled out, and became the screaming success he is today. Bob was so impressed with the man that he fled from his presence, screaming the whole time about his own unworthiness to behold the man. While he was running and screaming, he was reminded of other times he had run, times that he had screamed, and especially of times when he had both run and screamed. He then remembered that he was late for his job. Screaming hysterically, he began to run even faster through the nasty, smelly, disgusting, fungus-covered, rat-infested, odorous, reeking, nauseating, revolting, and overall unpleasant sewer. He slipped on a puddle of Generic Brand Dark Green Sewer Sludge© and hit his head on the sewer's floor. He fell unconscious but continued to slide. He slid into a pipe that led to a public swimming pool, which had no water in it, and he hit his head on the concrete. This woke him up from his unconsciousness, since hitting your head while you are unconscious always wakes you up instead of giving you a worse concussion (just like in the cartoons!). At first, he thought that he was in some kind of gladiatorial combat pit or something and struck a daring pose. He saw a 4-year-old, picked him up, and prepared to seismic toss him over the horizon. But the 4-year-old pepper-sprayed Bob point-blank, which made Bob scream in pain and drop the 4-year-old into a nearby well. Bob continued to scream and ran around aimlessly. He ran into a nearby street and was nearly hit by a truck, two tour buses, a police motorcycle, a low-flying UFO, and the Oscar Meyer Weenie Wagon. A passing midget gasped, but this did not affect Bob in the slightest. Bob smacked into a nearby lemonade fountain and fell into it, which cleaned the pepper spray out of his eyes as well as giving him a refreshing drink of lemonade. Bob got out of the fountain and thought for a moment while he was drying off about why in the heck someone would build a lemonade fountain in the first place.

Then he saw some money in the bottom of the fountain and took it, which caused all the wishes of the adorable orphans who threw the money into the fountain to go horribly awry. Bob now had $86 in pennies, dimes, and quarters (no nickels), 11 euros, 64 yen, 1 ½ Canadian dollars, and two buttons. Bob, with his newfound wealth, decided to spend it on a gumball. Bob put the gumball in his pocket and skipped merrily down the street. But a nearby barber, who hated all happy skipping people, whipped out his slingshot, loaded the slingshot with a rabid weasel, and took aim at Bob's forehead. Just as the barber was about to let go, Bob saw him out of the corner of his eye and leapt under a car. The barber shot the weasel, which hit the top of the car, crawled under the car, and attempted to steal Bob's gumball. Bob, enraged, ripped the car's muffler off and beat the weasel in the face with it. The weasel, who was actually a prince cursed to be in the form of a weasel, told Bob he was a ne'er-do-well and sauntered off. The barber reloaded, this time with a hand grenade. Bob, thinking quickly, took the gumball out of his pocket, put it in his mouth, and began to chew. Bob blew a humongous bubble and began to float away. The barber shot the grenade at Bob. Unfortunately for the barber, he had not pulled the pin out. Bob caught it, put it in his pocket, and flew away. Bob floated over the Indian Ocean and into India. While over India, Bob saw an obese Viking, who waved at him. Bob, not wanting to be rude, waved back and was going to say hello. But when he tried to speak, the bubble popped, which sent Bob hurtling down towards the ground. On the way down, he hit a hot air balloon, a flock of seagulls, a flying whirlybird-contraption, and Superman. He hit the ground and left a perfect body outline. He was in a rice field. He walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walkedandwalkedandwalkedandwalkedandwalked zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Oh! Ah! Where was I? Oh, yeah, the walking… uh, and he walked until, thirteen hours later, he found the edge of the field.

He saw lots of people, including construction workers, hoboes, conquistadors, businessmen in fancy suits, three-point-four clowns on four-point-three unicycles and a walking rake. After wondering how in the world there were businessmen in suits, he shook it off and started to wander around the city. As he was walking, an eleven-foot tall nearsighted philosopher with amnesia stumbled up to Bob and asked him in a screaming voice what the average rainfall of the Amazon basin was. Bob, who was proud to have known that the average rainfall of the Amazon basin was two thousand three hundred millimeters per year since he was three and a half, was about to answer when the amnestic philosopher became enraged and pounded Bob thirty feet into the ground with one swing through solid steel-enforced concrete and a toxic waste treatment pipe. Bob, ashamed that he could not share his knowledge of Amazonian rainfall, began to cry uncontrollably and dug deeper. After digging through a mile of dirt, finding the lost treasure of Commodore Schmingendüten, disturbing Elvis in his underground mansion, and finding the TV's remote control (finally!), Bob dug into one of the googillions of tunnels of the Underground City of the Molepeople. Since Bob was digging downward, he had dug through one of the mole-ceilings and promptly fell to the mole-floor. Fortunately for him, he had dug into a passageway, and not a mole-family's dining room, where he would have been attacked, eaten, and digested by the enraged molepeople. He picked himself up, brushed off the dirt, worms, rocks, and glowing radioactive waste, and walked through the city.

There was not any light in the underground city, so Bob had to hold onto the wall to find his way. He ran into a lot of things, including slimy things, wet things, hot things, cold things, furry things, disease-ridden things, rough things, illegal things, questionable things, and things he would rather just forget about. After shivering from pure disgust due to his latest encounter, he discovered that he had acquired a fancy, expensive-looking steel comb. Exactly how he acquired it, he did not know (although several years later, an unsuspecting elderly janitor would be assaulted by forty-seven samurai over the matter). Bob shrugged it off and continued on his way, unsure of where he was going or what he would do when he got there. But his existential quandary was shattered when a passing moleman the size of a rather obese bear abruptly picked him up and started carrying him away, as you might carry a sack of flower or a rug stuffed with hidden evidence. Bob kicked and screamed, but the gargantuan moleman did not even notice. After screaming for seventy-seven hours without taking a breath, Bob remembered that he was late for his job. Screaming hysterically, Bob decided that it was time for him to use the gum he had scraped off the sidewalk in New York. He had been keeping it in the back of his mouth, so he spit it into the moleman's eye. The moleman shrieked like a moleman and tossed Bob away. Bob landed gracefully on his face, looked up, and saw a ray of light poking out from one of the tunnels. He ran over to the source of the light, excited to finally leave this place after having been there for seven-seven hours and two minutes. He was so excited that he nearly cried when he saw that it was simply the light of a fire slowly cooking several human sacrifices while molemen danced around it. Dejected, Bob turned around and

Author's Note: Yep, that's the end. Review honestly but not seriously.