A/N: I know, its been forever since I updated. And, yes, I know I left off in a really bad spot. I'm REALLY SORRY! And for those of you who read my others stories under my other penname, I promised my friend that I would update every single one this weekend, so I'm really trying. Anyway, please review and dont hate me to much.
Have you ever been numb to everything around you? Have you ever looked at someone and know that they're speaking to you, but you cant hear them? You can see the lights, see people, but nothing is making any sense?
That's how it was for me. Ever since I heard those two words, two words I had never even imagined hearing.
"Logan's dead."
The words were echoing in my head, replaying over and over. Logan. My brother. My best friend. Dead. I didnt hear the story. I had no idea what exactly happened. Was he in pain? Did he suffer? Was there anything I could have done to change it? Had it happened when they were at grandma's?
"Nicole." A voice said, the only thing I had heard in the last four hours I had been sitting in the hospital. Nick had disappeared almost two hours ago, I had no idea where he had gone. I gasped as I felt someone wrap their arms around me, pulling my body to rest against theirs. "Shh. You have to breath." The voice continued as I sobbed into the persons chest. A hand came up, slowly running through my hair
.
I had no idea who was holding me. All I knew was that I couldnt stop crying. My chest ached, my eyes burned. Then the memories started coming.
"Come on Nikki." A eight year old Logan said, running into my room and grabbing my hand. "Nick is playing kickball and is loosing! We have to watch!" "But I dont want to watch-" "Yes you do." Logan told me, smirking as he continued to drag me. "Now we'll have something to hold over him the next time he tries to laugh at me for falling on the track!"
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"Dont cry, Nikki." A twelve year old Logan said, sitting beside me on my bed and letting his arm wrap around my shoulders. I instantly turned, throwing my body into his and hugging him tightly. "Dad didnt mean it. He just- drank a lot tonight. He'll be back to normal in the morning. Just dont cry." "Nikki?" Nick asked, walking into my room. He saw the tears on my face, my arms still wrapped around Logan. "Oh." He said, instantly walking to my bed and sitting on my others side. "What did he do?" He asked instantly, his hand making circles on my back. I broke out of Logan's hold and turned toward my twin, my arms wrapping around him. He pulled me tight, making a soothing sound in my ear. Now Logan was rubbing my back. "The same as usual." He told Nick. It was the first time I had ever heard the two of them be civil to one another. Nick let out a deep sigh. "He's a jerk." He said, holding me tighter. We heard heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I started crying harder, knowing who it was. Nick instantly pushed me gently toward Logan, letting him hold me. Nick stood, walking toward the door and shutting it behind him softly. Then we heard the yelling between him and dad. Logan slowly moved so we were lying on the bed. "Just sleep, Nikki. Everything will be okay in the morning."
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"Logan! Nick wont play with me." I cried, running into my six year old brothers room. Logan just looked at me, a small smile on his face. "Did you want him to play Barbie's again?" "Yes." I pouted, pulling my favorite Barbie out from behind my back. Logan rolled his eyes, sighed, then got off of his bed. "Okay, lets go play. But I get to be Ken."
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"First day of high school." Logan said, smirking as we walked into the school. "Now you dont have to be all alone!" He smirked wider, flinging an arm around my shoulders. "I'm here!" "She wasnt alone." Nick snapped, glaring. Logan just rolled his eyes, then pulled my hair as he smiled at me. "See you at lunch, sister dear."
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"That was amazing!" I said, running up to my sixteen year old brother who just got off the stage. He had just played the lead in our school play, just shown everyone what he could really do. He laughed, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tightly. "Thank you, big sister. I'm glad you liked it." I laughed, hitting his arm playfully. "Did Nick come?" Logan asked me, walking toward the parking lot. "Uh, he's picking me up." Logan instantly lost his smile. "He didnt come." I bit my lip. Even though my brothers fought constantly, I knew Logan wanted some sort of recognition from his older brother. "No, he didnt." Logan instantly looked down at the ground. "Oh." He cleared his throat. "Uh, he's probably waiting. You should go." I swallowed hard, upset for my younger brother. "Are you going to the cast party?' "Yeah, Jake's driving." He told me, still looking at the ground. I bit my lip. "Dont do anything stupid okay?" He laughed, "Deal." I smiled, then reached over to hug him once again. He hugged me back and I smiled. "I love you, Little brother." Logan laughed, pulling away and ruffling my hair. "Yeah, I love you too."
I snapped out of the last memory as someone started shaking me. "Nicole, you have to breath before I get a doctor. Come on."
For the first time, I recognized the voice. "Chad."
He didnt say anything, just continued to rub my back and hold me close. "What happened? What happened to Logan?"
Chad stiffened. "Did you not-"
"Logan's- dead." I said, my voice cracking and the tears coming fast. "Thats all I know. I didnt hear anything after that."
Chad's arms tightened even more. "Are you sure you dont want to wait for Nick-"
"Please." I begged, my sobs coming faster.
There was silence for a minute, then Chad began. "From what I heard from Nick, your father, mother, and Logan went to your grandparents house. Your father drank, a lot apparently. But he refused to let your mother drive home. No one really knows what happened after that, but your dad lost control of the car. Slid off of the curb, down the hill, into a tree. Logan was killed on impact." I sobbed again at the words. "Your mother is in a room here, she has a broken rib and a concussion."
"What about- him?" I asked, not even managing to say the word father.
"Broken arm." Was the short reply.
I started shaking my head. "No, no! He should be dead! Not Logan,. Logan didnt do anything! He didnt even want to go tonight! He begged me to go with him! I should have gone. I should have been there. I should have-"
"Stop!" Chad said, grasping my shoulders and forcing me to look into his eyes. The gray was dark, a sure sign that something was wrong. "Dont even say that. If you had gone, you could be dead too. You couldnt have changed anything."
"But I would have been there." I argued, the tears streaming down my face. "He wouldn't have been alone! He's- I cant live here without him! He-"
I broke off, sliding onto the floor and grasping my arms around my knees. Chad was beside me instantly, his arms wrapped around me once again. I rested my head against his chest, sobbing,
"I know it doesnt seem like it now, but things will get better." He told me, his voice gruff. "You'll never stop hurting over it. But you will get better. You'll be able to look back and see the happy times. It will take awhile, maybe years, but it will happen."
I didnt say anything, instead choosing to sob into his chest. He held me for what seemed like hours, just rubbing my back, my hair, giving me what comfort he could.
Then I heard the whispers. I didnt pay them any attention, just continued to hold Chad. He slowly let me go, then gently removed my arms from around him. I looked up, not wanting him to leave me. He gently reached over to wipe a tear off of my face with his knuckle. "Nick." He said softly.
Then my brother was there, his familiar arms wrapped around me. "We're going home." He told me, his voice emotionless as he lifted me to my feet. I looked at his face, seeing the red eyes and the pale skin. But I also saw the anger- anger at me, or anger at everything? I wasnt sure.
Nick lifted me up, carrying me to the car as I continued to sob into his chest. We silently got into Chad's car, Nick sliding next to me in the back seat. Chad got into the drivers seat, slowly pulling out of the lot and driving down the street. He glanced at us often in the mirror.
"Thanks." Nick said in that same stoic voice as Chad pulled into our driveway. Chad merely nodded, then opened his door and helped Nick get me out of the car. Nick lifted me easily once again. "You coming over tomorrow?" Nick asked in that voice.
Chad hesitated, his eyes going from me to Nick. "If you'd like me to."
Nick gave a short nod, letting him know that he should, then walked toward the house. Chad slowly climbed back into his car, pulling away.
Nick got us into the house, then led me up to my bedroom. I shook my head frantically, looking at the bed. The same bed Logan had sat on this morning with me. Nick knew exactly what I was thinking. He turned on his heel, heading into his own room. He gently deposited me on my bed, then rested next to me.
I cried myself to sleep with Nick's arms around me.
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I really dont remember much about the next few days. Dad came home, but I didnt even look at him. I know he fought with Nick, but I couldn't hear them- I had completely blocked it out. Mom came home the next day, staying in her room. I hadn't even seen her.
Chad had come over, once again holding me when I cried. He had also taken all of my shifts- the ones he didnt work with me anyway. I dont know who handled those.
Nick hadn't talked to any of us. At all. The was always beside me, doing whatever I needed done. He didnt speak to Chad. He hadn't even called Grace. He didnt go see mom. The only person he had talked to was dad- and that was to fight.
The funeral came. I stood between Nick and Mom. Nick was holding me against him, trying to steady my sobs as they buried my younger brother and best friend in the ground. Dad hadn't even come to the funeral.
As soon as it was finished, I fell to my knees, no longer having the strength to stand. Chad walked toward me, kneeling beside me and holding me to his chest as Nick also fell to his knees, his hand rubbing my back as he stared at the ground our brother lay in.
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