The Assassination of Humpty Dumpty
Scene: Black stage, man enters from stage UL and walks to stage C. (SAMUEL) He carries a torch and wears medieval clothing, that of a nobleman. There is a knife at his belt and he looks anxious. Lighting: focus of stage C.
(SAMUEL turns toward stage DL and is searching for something in the distance)
Where is he? Blast, he said he'd be here!
(While SAMUEL speaks, ASSASIN enters from stage UR and silently walks up behind SAMUEL)
Always the impatient one, aren't you, Sammy Boy?
(jumps and gives a small scream, almost dropping the torch)
(turns and sees ASSASIN. He breathes out loudly and puts his hand over his heart.)
Don't do that, Arthur!
Shut up. That's not even my name.
(gathers himself, then says boldly:)
Then what is?
Wouldn't you like to know.
(they walk together to stage L)
But I didn't come here for idle chit-chat. You have a job for me, Sammy?
(looks around nervously)
Don't say it so loud. But yes, I do.
(ASSASIN crosses his arms and waits)
I need you to…dispose of someone for me.
(rolls his eyes)
Of course you do, I'm an assassin! No-one calls me up just to say hello, you know.
I know, okay, I'm not stupid!
(he sighs and rubs his face with him hand. When he speaks again his voice is low once more)
It's the King's nephew.
The King's nephew!
(looks around again, then whispers:)
I know I'm not supposed to ask, but why on Earth him?
Simple. He's fifth in line for the throne. I'm eighth.
I see I'm going to be pretty busy for a while.
(slaps ASSASIN on the back as they turn and start walking to stage UR)
Indeed, but don't worry about it now. And look at it this way: it'll pay the rent.
True, Sam, true that is.
(both exit at stage UR)
Scene: HUMPTY DUMPTY is sitting on a brick wall in centre stage, focus light on him. He is swinging his legs and humming happily.
Ah, what a glorious day! Nothing may go wrong!
(enters from stage L, dressed as a peasant. Sees HUMPTY DUMPTY on the wall and smiles)
Lo up there on the wall so high! Is it Humpty Dumpty that catches my eye?
Yes, my good sir, 'twould be me! And who, may I ask, would thee happen to be?
My name, it be Tamerin, and I'm a simple chap. Going into town to buy my father a cap.
Well good luck to you then, I wish you well on your way. But my friend, won't you give me company, and stay?
I'm flattered you asked, and I'd like that a lot. Let me hop on this wall, and sit at this spot.
(he sits on the wall next to HUMPTY DUMPTY and sighs)
Alright, I'm sick of these rhymes.
(breathes out in relief)
Thank goodness, that was horrible! When you started, I just thought it would be rude to not continue in the same fashion, and it just kept on and on…
Indeed it did.
(silence for several moments)
So…you're the King's nephew?
Yes, and let me tell you, he is an old bag!
Is he? My friend, you speak treason.
I speak the truth! He's so…old fashioned. I wish I could be king.
Well what would you do, if you were on the throne?
I'd abolish slavery! I'd establish a health care system! I'd improve public transit! And I would cancel CSI: Miami, I can't stand that show.
(obviously sincere and impressed)
Those are all great things!
I almost don't want to kill you now…
(Light brightens on stage R as SAMUEL appears, making vigorous pushing motions directed at ASSASIN)
(ASSASIN frowns at SAMUEL. HUMPTY DUMPTY notices nothing)
It's just too bad I'm fourth in line.
(perks up, interested)
Fourth? I thought you were fifth?
(shakes his head)
No, dear Uncle Louis died of boredom two nights past from watching American comedians. It's terrible, really. He was very kind.
I'm thinking of suing.
(SAMUEL'S pushing actions increase in intensity)
(looks at SAMUEL and sighs)
Well, I just want to say I'm sorry, Humpty.
Thank you, but it's okay. Louis was kind of irritating at the dinner table, so maybe it's good he's gone.
…Yeah, I'm sorry about that too.
(suddenly he pushes HUMPTY DUMPTY off the wall)
Oh no! Tamerin, why-, aaaaah!
(HUMPTY DUMPTY falls to the ground and cracks)
(runs on stage with his arms flailing about. A page follows him)
(he sees HUMPTY DUMPTY and swoons)
Sweet, precious Humpty Dumpty!
(turns to the page)
Quick, fetch the King's horses and men, go!
(page nods and runs off stage)
(straightens and throws a bag of coins at ASSASIN)
Good job. And just in time, too. I have a lot invested in American comedians. It would have ruined me if he had sued.
(looking at HUMPTY DUMPTY and sad)
And two spots moved up! I'm sixth, friend, sixth!
(he dances strangely)
Yeah, that's great Sam.
(A group of knights enters. The knights are in armour and mimic riding horses. The sound of hooves can be heard)
Oh no, the King's nephew!
Quick, let's try and put him back together!
(all dismount and crowd around HUMPTY DUMPTY, talking about how to put him back together)
It's no use! It's no use!
(the knights pay no attention)
(SAMUEL pulls ASSASIN to the side)
You'd better get out of here. I'll call you in a few days.
Oh, I got a new cell phone, so my number's changed.
Well I don't have any paper, nor a pen to write it down with!
You could memorize it.
No! I hate memorizing things!
Looks, I'll get a hold of you later.
You know I could just call you by Thursday…
I said I'll get a hold of you!
Alright, alright, calm down.
I'm very calm! I'm elated! I'm sixth in line!
(he laughs and claps ASSASIN on the back hard. ASSASIN isn't smiling)
Today, oh today it was just an egg! Tomorrow….it will be the world!
(both exit stage)