A Modest Proposal

Through the years Samsung, Inc has tried to provide the best service available to our customers. As is to be expected, Samsung, Inc has always tried to keep all of our customer's information secure and well ordered. As a part of this process, Samsung, Inc provides all our customers with Business Partner Numbers. Most customers happily accept their Business Partner Number and soon integrate it into their daily life.

It has, however, come to my attention recently that some customers balk at the suggestion of being assigned a number. They claim it is de-humanizing, insensitive, or, worst of all, that they will never remember the number.

Such behavior has been a shock both within our company as well as to the international community. To think that anyone could be so callous as to treat this, most important of numbers, with such disrespect is, in a word, nauseating. It is a behavior which will surely lead to at least the decay of all our morals, if not the outright downfall of our electronic society. I must, therefore, with all due tact, put forth this modest proposal.

Too many citizens of our society are without business partner numbers. Those unfortunate enough to not have Samsung, Inc products have not even heard of them. I propose that we offer Business Partner Numbers to ALL members of our society.

It may seem shocking to offer such a valuable number in such a cavalier manner, but it is a step we can no longer avoid. A Business Partner Number will only retain its usefulness if it is esteemed. If we allow one element of our society to disrespect these numbers, Business Partner Numbers will lose all of that prestige. If, instead, we oblige all people to have a Business Partner Number, those who slur the number will only be insulting themselves. Can you imagine someone insulting social security numbers? It's pure absurdity.

Now some may say that we could never possibly give a Business Partner Number to everyone. They claim there simply aren't enough numbers available in the world to give everyone a Business Partner Number. They couldn't be more wrong. Recent advances in mathematics have allowed the creation of numbers as long as 15 digits. These numbers are still considered highly unstable, but before long the inevitable march of science will ensure that these super-long number strings will be stable.

Others will say that not everyone will welcome these numbers. And though it turns my stomach to think about, they are correct. But we need not fear. There is still a way to ensure all people have a Business Partner Number.

I propose that we tag all newborn children, even the ugly, with RFID tags containing their Business Partner Number. A small, almost microscopic, tag could be embedded between the toes of all infants. The ugly, of course, would be tagged on the forehead. These tags could also contain other useful information, like who a person last voted for, or their bank account balance.

We could easily access Business Partner Numbers using RFID tag readers. These readers would quickly and easily pull up Business Partner Numbers, as well as any other information needed. We could easily install them in all Samsung, Inc products, and connect those products wirelessly to our database. Of course our mobile phones could simply be connected to our database via a wireless network. In fact, we could even apply the charges for the call to people's wireless bills.

We could insure that all RFID are secure by only allowing Samsung, Inc employees, or those employees working in a Samsung, Inc call center, access to them. The track record for call center security is so amazingly good, it's hard to imagine anyone would object to this.

In fact, the technical obstacles blocking such a modest change are nearly non-existent, while the benefits are truly endless. It seems hard to believe that anyone could object to such a momentous change.

I must therefore ask you to please contact your local representative to ask them to help us implement this change. Better yet, if you truly care about our world, would be to call the Samsung, Inc technical support center. If we could get thousands of callers to call Samsung, Inc and ask them to give everyone a Business Partner Number, perhaps we could move either Samsung, Inc. or our government into action.