May 27, 2009
They told me to keep a journal, just in case. Just in case I lose my memory again. I think that's highly unlikely, seeing as I can't quite find the memory I've already lost. I'm just doing what they say to shut them up. And my supposed mother.
May 30, 2009
I've been told by my doctors that people often say they can remember a traumatic event as if it were yesterday. I can't remember the day I ended up in the hospital. In fact, I don't remember anything before waking up in intense pain. It's funny that my very first memory is pain. Just pain and confusion. It's the worst first memory anybody could have, and I know I'm not about to forget it.
When I really woke up, which is a few hours after my first memory, there was this crazy woman holding my hand. She seemed pretty relieved that I was awake, but I was immediately annoyed by her presence. I'm not sure why I felt that way, because apparently she's my mom. Aren't you supposed to love your moms and feel comfortable around them? Maybe it's all the crying she does.
Doctor Jensen told me that I was in an accident with my boyfriend. My boyfriend didn't survive, and at first, neither did I, but they brought me back to life. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. They said that my memory might be forever lost, but they sent me to therapy to see if it would help. Which is where I got this journal to write in. The therapist lady told me that writing my thoughts down might be able to bring my memory back. I doubt it.
Tons of people visit me every day. I don't recognize a single person. One girl, her name is Rachel, started bawling when I didn't recognize her. Apparently she had been my best friend. I don't know why, her crying was really annoying. I suppose I don't like crying much.
She wasn't my only friend, though. Lots of kids my age visited. They cried too. Almost everyone who visited cried. Apparently, I had four grandparents, but no father. And no siblings either. My mom told me my dad died in another car accident just minutes before I was born, on his way to the hospital. I must be a magnet to car accidents.
Despite all these annoying people visiting me, someone neither my mom or Rachel recognized visited. He's a little older than me, by about two or three years, so I don't think he goes to my school. Mom got really freaked out when he first showed up because he completely ignored her, sat down next to my bed, and complimented my eyes. We then had a nice conversation that had nothing to do with my past and he didn't try to get me to remember him. I might not have even known him before; by the way everyone is acting.
The boy still hasn't told me his name or why he's always visiting. Mom and Rachel don't even know who he is. Mom tired to stop him from coming since nobody knew him, but I wouldn't let her. He was the only one who wasn't crying. He visited every day and talked to me like a normal person. We talked about random things, like the hospital food and the TV shows I'd been able to watch since I woke up. He told me things he did when he wasn't visiting me and I loved listening to his stories. He was very, very funny and he always managed to make me smile. I look forward to his next visit the second he's out the door.
May 31, 2009
Mom disapproves of the boy with no name. She always frowns when she sees him. Yesterday, after he left, she told me to stop 'seeing' him.
"Audrey, honey," she said sweetly, "you don't know that boy. I think you need to stop seeing him."
The way she said it made me mad. "I don't know you either," I told her in return.
She simply frowned and changed the subject, telling me about how I was such a pretty girl before the accident. Thanks Mom, that really makes me feel better.
There's a window next to my bed and I can see out of it. It looks really nice outside. The boy with no name has told me all about his camping and hiking trips and I want to go with him someday. But I will never be able to. It's hard to go hiking when your legs don't work.
June 1, 2009
Today is my birthday. I don't feel like celebrating the 19 years of my life I don't remember, but Mom and Rachel brought presents and balloons. Mom gave me a movie to watch that was apparently my favorite before the accident. Rachel gave a make-up kit. She said that I used to be obsessed about make-up and would get upset when it wasn't perfect. I can't believe that something so petty used to be that important to me.
The boy with no name didn't give me anything. I was glad. He simply came in like usual and sat in his usual seat. I could see the jealousy in Mom and Rachel's eyes when I smiled, but I didn't care. He was there and that was enough.
June 2, 2009
I'm leaving the hospital tomorrow. I was so relieved when I found out. I still have to go to physical therapy every day, and I still have to go to the memory therapy thing, but at least I won't be stuck in the hospital anymore. Mom seems pretty excited, too, and she's told me everything she's done to the house to make it more accessible to my wheelchair. I don't really care. I can't wait to tell the boy with no name, though. He'll be happy for me, I know it.
I wonder if he'll still visit. Mom has never seen him before, so he might not know where I live. I'll have to make sure to ask Mom for the address before he comes tonight.
Rachel came in today and told me that she couldn't stand me anymore. "You're different without your memory," she said. "Come find me when it comes back." I don't think I'll see her anymore, but I'm ok with that. I didn't like her anyways.
June 3, 2009
He wasn't happy. In fact, he seemed really sad when I told him that I was going back home. I told him to visit me at home and gave him a piece of paper with my address on it, but all he did was stick it into his pocket without even looking at it. He didn't look at me either. He stood by my bed for a minute before saying that he had to go. Then he left before I could even say goodbye. It hurt more than I thought it would. It still hurts.
Mom seemed happy that he wasn't happy. I hate her. If it means I can't see the boy with no name anymore, I don't want to go home. What's waiting for me anyways? Old memories that I don't even have anymore? Old friends that will waste all their time trying to get my memory back?
No. I don't want to go "home." I want to go with the boy with no name. He feels like home.
June 4, 2009
Yesterday was my first day back "home." It didn't feel right. It still doesn't feel right. I feel really gloomy and out of place. Mom's been bustling around the house, chattering excitedly and making sure I know about everything and anything that went on before the accident. I tune out when she starts talking. When we first arrived yesterday, I just rolled myself to my room and locked the door. Mom was pretty alarmed, but I didn't let her in. It was pretty hard getting in my bed without any help, but I was able to do it. My arms are going to get really strong.
I hope the boy with no name will visit soon.
June 7, 2009
He hasn't visited yet. Every time the doorbell rings, I rush over, hoping it's him, but it's always someone to welcome me back home. I don't think he'll be coming.
June 14, 2009
I ran away yesterday. More like rolled away. Mom was treating me like a baby and I had to get away. When she was in the shower, I left the house and cruised down the street. I didn't know where I was going, but eventually I ended up in front of a cemetery. There's something about the cemetery that seems familiar, so I rolled around the roads for a bit. It was really peaceful and I was able to smile for the first time since I last saw the boy with no name.
After a while, I decided to try and find my dad's name. I didn't expect to find him because Mom didn't tell me where he was buried. She did say that I've lived in this town my whole life. But I didn't find him. Of course, I could only look at the headstones close to the road. I didn't want to spill out of my chair by forcing myself onto the grass. I'm sure if someone was pushing me, it would have been a different story.
I was out there until dark before I decided to go back home. Mom was furious. I'm grounded, but I don't mind. As long as she leaves me alone, I'll be fine.
June 15, 2009
I went back to the cemetery again. Mom was at work when I left. I searched for my dad again, but with no luck. I wish I had someone to help me.
June 24, 2009
I saw him. I saw the boy with no name. At first, I couldn't believe it was him, but when Mom suddenly wheeled me around the corner, I knew it had to be him.
We were at the mall. Mom thought it would be fun to go shopping together "like we used to" and forced me into the car. I was in no mood to fight with her, so I just went along. He was behind the counter of a costume store. I knew he worked at one, but I never thought to look for him.
I told Mom that I wanted to go into a nearby clothes store. From all her talk, I know that she loves shopping for clothes and I knew she would get easily distracted. When her back was turned, I quickly wheeled out of the store and into his store. His was obviously surprised to see me.
"Hey I haven't seen you in a while," I said sarcastically. He simply stared at me for a second before replying.
"I've been busy."
I didn't buy it. I told him very rudely what I thought of him and then I rolled away as proudly as I could. When I got out of the store, I could see Mom frantically searching for me. And for some reason, I wanted to cry.
June 25, 2009
He visited! Mom didn't see him, thank goodness. I was actually wheeling myself down the street toward the cemetery when a car pulled over next to me. I looked over and there he was, smiling at me through the window. He followed me to the cemetery that day and walked around with me. He told me all that had been happening with him since we had last talked. It was like old times, except we weren't in a stuffy hospital.
My stomach flutters just thinking about him. And I think about him often. I think I like him. He's really cute and sweet and I love spending time with him. I hope he visits again tomorrow.
June 26, 2009
Now I know I like him. When he showed up in front of the house today, I was so excited that I forgot about the bump on the front porch and I ended up spilling out of my wheelchair right in front of him. He rushed over to me, helping me up and asking if I was ok. I was really embarrassed, but luckily I was able to respond normally.
Mom came out of the house pretty mad. She told him that he had no right coming to the house. She even blamed him for 'hurting' me. He looked pretty vulnerable and kind of scared, which I thought was cute, and then said, "I think Audrey has a right to chose who she wants to see."
I was smiling pretty big when he said that. Mom went red, but before she could blow up at him, I told her we were going out and not to expect me back home until that evening. And then I wheeled away, with the boy with no name following close behind me.
We went to the cemetery again. At first we just talked, but when we got to the top of a hill, I suddenly had a great idea.
"Race you to the bottom!" I yelled, pushing myself down the hill. I think he was stunned at first, but then he laughed and chased after me. I won, but I think he let me win. I haven't had this much fun in....well, I can't remember any time where I've had more fun.
Sometimes I wish I could remember, but most of the time, I'm actually glad I can't. Thinking about Mom and Rachel makes me wonder what kind of a person I was before the accident. I wonder if I was ever happy. Was I popular? It seemed like I had been. What about the boy with no name? I don't think I knew him before the accident, but I'm too comfortable with him for that to be true, right? He sure is a mystery. Just like his name, which I still don't know, by the way.
I did ask him what it was today, after our race. He was silent for a minute. I was really curious about why he wouldn't tell me his name. And then you know what he said?
"Let me think about that."
And you know what? It didn't make me mad, it didn't make me sad, and it didn't make me confused. It just made me even more curious. I decided to let it go, though, to see what he would do next. It's kind of bugging me not knowing his name, but I can be patient. I'll wait for him.
June 27, 2009
Jordan Nall. That's his name. It's so simple, so common. I was surprised that it wasn't something exotic or weird. But it fits. I smile thinking about that name. Maybe because it's his.
Heck, I'm smiling just writing this down.
He told me that all the first born men on his dad's side of the family are named Jordan. He said that they even lost track of how many Jordans there have been. I laughed when he said that. How could you forget something like that?
He seemed really normal telling me all this, as if it hadn't been a secret for the past month. I asked him why he didn't tell me earlier and he told me that he wasn't sure. He's a strange person, but it's refreshing. I really, really like him.
June 28, 2009
Mom grounded me! She actually locked me in my room! I can't believe how stubborn she's being! What is so wrong with Jordan that she actually has to make sure I don't sneak off with him? I'm 19 years old and she's treating me like a 9 year old! It's so frustrating.
I have a feeling that mom is hiding something, though. Why else would she try to keep me away from the one thing that makes me happy?
June 29, 2009
I managed to sneak away from my room and meet Jordan at the cemetery yesterday. I told him what Mom did and he got really angry. I've never seen him angry before and it really scared me. I asked him if he knew why she would try to keep me from him, but he told me he didn't know. I tried to calm him down, but nothing really worked. Eventually, we left and Jordan was still angry. Now I'm really confused.
June 30, 2009
I asked Mom what was wrong with Jordan. She refused to answer me, instead asking me random questions like, "Do you think the kitchen would look nice in red?" or "What happened to my right slipper?" when it was right next to the left one.
I don't know what I'm going to do about her. I don't know what I'm going to do about Jordan, either. I snuck out again and he avoided any conversation that involved my mom. Something went on between those two that I need to know about. And I'm going to figure out what it is sooner or later.
July 1, 2009
Mom has busied herself with the Fourth of July party she's been planning. I've been snooping around her room (which isn't easy in a wheelchair) but so far I've found nothing that's connected her to Jordan. I've only been searching for a day, so I wasn't expecting much.
Jordan and I still meet in the cemetery, but there's something between us and I know what it is. I feel like he's keeping a secret from me and it actually hurts. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up.
July 4, 2009
It's only one o' clock and already our house is filled with guests. I hate crowds, I realized today. But what I hate even more is the looks everybody gives me. Just because I'm in a wheelchair doesn't mean I'm retarded! One stupid girl even talked to me as if I spoke a different language! I didn't bother replying to her.
I haven't seen Jordan today, but I didn't expect to. I knew Mom wouldn't let me leave her party because I'm her daughter and obviously she didn't invite Jordan. I really miss him though. He's all I think about anymore. I feel kind of obsessed, but I can't help it. I think I might be falling in love. I'm only 19, I know, but I just feel—Mom's calling, I'll explain later.
You will never believe what happened tonight! Jordan showed up during the fireworks which pissed Mom off. It was worse than when I ran away! Not only did he show up, but he actually wheeled me through the crowd of people, completely ignoring Mom's calls. He took me to the cemetery, completely silent the whole way. I asked what he was doing multiple times, but he never answered. And then he pushed me through the grass of the cemetery. I've never been past the edge of the road so it was a little surprising. But when he finally stopped, I knew exactly what he was doing.
Standing right in front of me was my dad's tombstone.
I stared at it for a minute, completely taken by surprise. I never expected to find it, but there it was. After staring at it, I realized that I wasn't feeling anything. I was confused. Here was my dad's grave and I couldn't even feel mournful or whatever you're supposed to feel?
Eventually I turned to Jordan and thanked him for finding it. All he did was stare at me. I wasn't sure what he was thinking and it made me crazy. And then the greatest thing in the world happened.
He kissed me. And it was wonderful.
We stayed in the cemetery the rest of the night and just simply talked, like usual. It was the best night of my life because not only did he kiss me a few more times, he asked me to be his girlfriend! I cannot even begin to explain how happy I am right now. I feel so elated, like nothing can go wrong! Mom is going to be so pissed. Can you believe that I'm actually excited to see her reaction?
July 5, 2009
I told Mom about Jordan. She was very angry, but when I asked her why she didn't like him, she....deflated. It was really weird to see her loose her steam like that. She told me about my accident and what the authorities believe happened.
My boyfriend was driving. They say he was drunk with a blood alcohol content of .11%. I guess that's bad. Nobody knows where we were going, but they do know that he had raped me that night. They said I was probably unconscious when the accident happened. My boyfriend simply ran into another car, going 60 miles an hour.
No wonder I don't have my memory. Who would want to remember a night like that? Mom doesn't want me to get hurt again, that's why she doesn't like Jordan. I told her that I wasn't going to stop seeing Jordan just because of a night that I don't remember. It's kind of sad that so many people can be affected because somebody made a mistake.
I told Jordan about what Mom said. He looked angry, sad, and horrified at the same time. And then he kissed me and told me he would never hurt me. I believe him.
I also asked him why he got so angry when Mom locked me in my room. He told me that he hated how she treated me like a little kid when I was full grown. He told me that when somebody like me is babied, they eventually give up, believing they really can't do anything for themselves. He doesn't want that to happen to me.
"You're sweet," I told him. "Thank you for believing in me, even though I'm different."
He looked at me with a little smile on his face. "There's nothing different about you."
I've decided to change my birthday to the day I woke up, May 27. It's not that big of a difference, just five days, but Mom was still upset, of course. I explained that I wanted to do that because that's when I began my new life. She started crying, but this time I wasn't annoyed. I hugged her and told her everything would be ok, because I know it will be.
Edited May 29, 2009
Fast editing, huh? I put more of an ending to this, explaining more of what was happening and tying up any loose ends. I hope it's less confusing and answers all of your questions. I know InsaneAndManiacal that you said leaving the mom's grudge open was good, but I just thought that fixing it up would really help finish the story. I hope you don't mind :).
Thank you InsaneAndManiacal and ribbons-paws for being my first and only reviewers so far. I'm glad you like this! :)
Edited Again September 16, 2010
This time, I wrote the story in 3rd person and then I rewrote all the journal entries. It made it a whole lot easier to get my story straight, and it gave me a new perspective.
I fixed up a lot of the tenses because there was a lot of mistakes going on with that certain element. It's kind of confusing to write in journal form because I'm so used to keeping everything in past tense, but when a person is writing in a journal, not everything is past tense. So I had to change a lot of that stuff. Also, I added a couple of minor things and took out a couple of minor things. You probably won't notice it.
I hope you enjoyed my second favorite story. I know I enjoyed writing it. :)