All my life I'm been searching for a purpose… well, not really, but that seemed like an appropriate opening line for a story about conversing with God. But anyway, this is what a few conversations between me and The Almighty would look like. Be warned, I'm an atheist.

ONE: Why make douchebags?

God: (in a poof of smoke) Ross, you have said many a prayer for my appearance unto you, so I have come to hear your grievances. Tell me, my son, what troubles you?

Me: Well, you see… the other day, I was jumped by a bunch of douchebags who-

God: I'm sorry, you were jumped by WHAT?

Me: … douchebags. A bunch of fags attacked me for no reason and-

God: I mean no offense to you, my son, but what are these "douchebags" and "fags" of which you speak?

Me: They're people who violate your will and commit violence against their own neighbors, in this case me. They also enjoy spooning with each other in the girls' bathroom while spanking it to photos of Paris Hilton. That's 3 deadly sins for you right there.

God: They sound almost satanic! I will smite them for their insolence!

Me: … a fine idea! I'll show you where they live…