A/N: (It's a sad day in the modern world when I have to remind people what's a joke and what's not. Really sad.) For the sake of everything, get over yourself. You're full of shit like me. The world is much sadder without George Carlin to brighten my day, so here it is: a little tribute. Kind of. This is mostly just me making fun of of the bullshit that pisses me off.


On Bullshit

I don't know you, stranger, but I'm going to give you some advice.

Over the expanse of American history, things have changed, and not for good. American vernacular has been altered, movies were invented and have now pretty much gone to shits, Oprah, the American people have become obese, celebrities, sitcoms, soap operas, the potato chip, Bill O'Reilly, Live From New York It's Saturday Night, urban-fantasy-teenage-romance-novel-A-Bomb trend, airline security, and Segways. Not to mention politics. No, seriously, don't mention it, that's an essay in and of itself. But if there's one thing that hasn't changed at all, it's the pervasity and perversity of bullshit. Bullshit is everywhere. Bullshit never changes.

It's not just a national problem, this "bullshit" thing, it's a pandemic. People all across the globe are full of shit. It's just a lot more of a problem in America. That little snide cocksucker at his desk who just said 'but America is a continent' can die in a fucking hole, okay? I'm not talking about Canada; everyone knows Canada is just England in disguise and all of England deserves to die (with the possible exception of Billy Idol), and nobody cares about Mexico anymore. I'm talking about the good ol' U.S. of A. That's right, the free world, the people's republic democracy whatever the hell they're feeding you these new four years. And if there's one thing that I'm sure of, it's that everyone is full of shit, especially you. And your mom, but mostly it's just you. But I'm perfect, I'm absolute, and you will listen or I will beat you over the head with a lamp.

Since time began, since one man stood up and said he was the son of higher beings and anyone who disagreed would be smitten on the spot, mankind has been full of shit. And it's not something that's specific to gender, either. Feminists are full of shit. Politicians are full of shit. Life is just plain full of shit. And it takes quite a long time to understand why – time I'm going to rob you of while you read this.

First premise: "The Free World"

What uneducated cretin came up with that phrase? Are they dead? I hope so. The world isn't a free place. There's no such thing as the free world. Nothing is free, not even freedom, or being free, or those complimentary Junior Mints at the hotel bar. Why? Because man likes to delude himself. It's not a Free World because it can't be a free world yet – I won't allow it – and I'm deciding this right here. My power! Mine, ya'll bunch of dumb fucks! I hold the Excalibur now!! You're not getting a free world until you realize how dumb you all are.

This world has changed so subtly that we no longer recognize bullshit when we see it – for starters, businessmen! Marketing! People often jokingly say to each other after listening to some comedian rant for an hour about why advertising sucks, they say to each other, "yeah, man, businessmen are so full of shit. I hate all these ads. This is such bullshit." Then they drive past a billboard and buy the product at Costco. Advertising is about subtly convincing the consumer to buy shit. That's all – all! – and they use every single fucking weapon they can think of to do it. It's usually sex. Every now and then though you'll see some really funny commercial and before you know it, you're tasting the rainbow at the vending machine. Yeah. Not so funny when you're losing your money buying defective garden tools over the phone, is it? Stealing the Leprechaun's lucky charms sounds fun, doesn't it?

It's not just advertising, however. No. That's just a very small facet of bullshit.

Second thing: government.

That's right; they're all full of shit too. And people have realized this for a very long time, which makes it all the more frustrating. Those news reporters talking about the president's new plan on CNN know their bosses are full of shit, but they're just too scared to do anything about it because they feel safe. Lemme let you in on a little secret: secrecy is completely overrated. Hitler realized this, which is how he got so many people to follow him. Here's a quote from the Nuremberg Trials that was said by Hermann Göring himself:

"The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."

That sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it? Unless you're an idiot. Then it doesn't sound familiar at all. Then you're full of shit too.

The government and marketing firms have always been out to getcha, my friend. They're both just small facets to a Greater Whole of Bullshit, but they matter. They matter, and you matter specifically. It's not just about convincing the masses, no, it's all about YOU. It's not paranoia when they're really focusing on every one of you individually. They really care about you, and they really want to rip you off because you're stupid. Just like everyone else. Boy, oh boy, I just plain don't like you.

Third premise: religion.

You're not gonna like this. You probably already hate me for making you paranoid about the government, but you have to understand that the sixties already did that to you. And the Superbowl commercials already made you feel uncomfortable about advertising. The government is out to convince the people to pipe down, put a sock in it, let the big guy handle it, and I'm all for that. No ruler likes revolts and uprisings. In fact, they really, really suck. You wouldn't like it either if somebody was walking around and telling everyone how much of an idiot you are. One would think you'd like to punch that little cocksucker and show him who the fuckin' idiot is now. Now look on and admire the grace with which the government publicizes its bullshit. And look at how hard those marketing people are working on their bullshit. And look at you, falling for it still! And then look at religion.

Religion is the greatest bullshit industry ever. The corporate marketing assholes side-step their outward bullshitting with "opinions" about their products that they not-so-subtly disguise as guarantees and warranties. Trust me, look at the warning labels on your pills or shit next time, you'll see it. They don't make exaggerated claims and false promises out in the open because if they do, they know they'll get sued for it. The government has the luxury of really bullshitting the public because they can't get sued. They make the damn laws. I admire that kind of power. Religion, however? That's a completely different category.

Screw politics, screw advertising, and screw you, you miserable ass-clown.

In the U.S.A., practicing any kind of religion is okay as long as it falls within laws. But they don't pay taxes, they haul in billions of dollars (at least Catholicism does), and their priests get to screw off with little boys who are afraid to say anything (MJ can only dream). They've been around probably since time began, too, and I guess that accounts for something. Businessmen are sleazy, politicians (besides Clittin' I mean Clinton, sorry, old habits die hard) have class, and clergymen have… holiness. They get their own word and definition. Religion is so fucking important to people that they're unwilling to even look at something else.

Face it, folks, the majority of religious people in the news are very bad examples. This is because we pull examples. From the news. The news is where we see things. We see things through the news. Do you understand yet? You are what you watch, not what you eat. TV has changed us. Through the Power of God.

Let's put it this way so I won't rant for three pages: would you rather have a discussion with Oscar Wilde or with Hitler? One may be a dandy, but the other had neurosyphilis. That's why he was crazy, if you didn't know. You learn a new thing every day. The biggest of close-minded fanatics belong to Christianity, and I'm not going to lie to you! I tried the Christian way. I was raised in a Mormon family, but I read the Bible. And the Book of Mormon. And all those other books. I read them, and I thought, 'what if Satan repents?' Ever think of that? You know what they told me? They told me he wouldn't. And here I was, thinking my salvation was hinged on a series of "what if" questions. The people in the Old Testament didn't oppose God because they were afraid what would happen if they did something. "What if I defecate in the temple?" "Oh, don't do that, he'll smite ya." Pretty much.

And he will – people will call you unworthy, they'll shun you because you're a nonbeliever, they'll try and convert you, they'll call in exorcisms, but you know something? The longer you live away from God, the more you realize that the world is fucked up and there's nothing you can do. God didn't do his best, clearly, because Satan's runnin' rampant down Sullivan Street and there's genocide in South Africa. Not to mention that England still hasn't been wiped off the map and China's going to get it all in the end. Depressing, isn't it? That's the curse from straying away from an establishment that has existed since man first picked up sticks and started killin' shit.

The curse of living within religion, however, is that you'll be unwilling to accept new things, you have to wear special underwear, you'll be married with eight kids for ever (unless you kill them!), and you'll never experience weed. It's not good for you by any means, but I'd recommend going to Amsterdam at least once so you'll know what you're missing. I recommend that everyone try the things that scare you at least once so you'll know what you're missing and know for yourself whether or not you want it. Parents, Gawd Bless 'Em, are full of shit too. "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." That's one slightly-religious quote I support when it's used in my context, thank you very much.

Above all things, however, you will invariably hate the things you don't understand because they frustrate you. They frustrate you because you're within an organization that denies them. Muslim extremists, the KKK, Hitler, Mother Teresa, Joseph Smith, Aleister Crowley, Xerxes, Siddhartha Gautama, Jesus, Krishna, Zoroaster. They all go hand in hand. All were deeply religious people. All had admirable qualities, and some less-than admirable qualities. Think about them long and hard and you'll realize that by thinking differently, they robbed people of that ability. Well, maybe not Buddha.

The point being that whatever thing you worship, God/Yahweh/Jehovah/Elohim/Ahriman/Greek shit/Roman shit/Flying Spaghetti Monster/Satan/Voudoun lady/Mojo juice, it doesn't matter. They are not high on my priority list because of this simple reasoning: I can't see him/her/it, I can't feel him/her/it, and Mother Earth has been around way longer than four thousand years you Mormon fucker. It's full of shit. I offered my prayers to Hecate for a few years and received the same amount of shit when I prayed to Christian God. And I got the same thing from that as when I did when I was an atheist. It's a complete 50/50. What you want will come or it won't, and God has nothing to do it. Life is based on chances, not divine intervention. Think about it hard enough and you'll realize I'm right. Try and look at your holy books from a literary standpoint one day and you'll start to see the loopholes in everything. It's inconsistent! It sucks! But at least it's liberating.

While we're at it, let's look at tithing. Given that there are some religions that don't accept donations when they're in session, but most of them do. They pass around the collection plate, they have monthly tithing, they have all sorts of shit. Some of them even do charity work with your money for Chrissakes! I'm not saying I'm opposed to you taking my money to do charity, but I would like to know what kind of charity this is going to. If my money's going to help build another damn golf course in Ohio, I fucking quit. I don't like helping people. I'm not a charitable person. I'd rather pay my taxes. I'm a selfish bitch, I'm stuck-up, I'm egocentric, I'm a narcissist, but at least I can admit it. I don't like everything about myself, but at least I'm not confused about my priorities now that I've eliminated religion from my life. And I'm that much less full of shit than you, stranger.

Fifth and final premise of Bullshit: You

You're full of shit for falling for all this your whole life. I picked the three biggest things to talk about and you're still a bit confused. Don't worry your little head dearie, death will come. It'll come to me and to you eventually. I guess you have one of those to look forward to! You are simple, you are unique, and you're one in six billion. Like everybody else on Earth. Keeping with the negative theme here, I must remind you that it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, influential or inconsequential, you're still nothing to someone. And always remember one thing: bullshit will never end, it is everywhere, and there is nothing we can do about it. Have a lovely day!