From the beginning, Dirian Askariat was different. She was the fourth out of ten children (all of them sons) to a farming family in a little village Marion to the west in the country of Altare, one year before the name Dirian became illegal. There were quite a few illegal things she did, but that'll come later. But the point is that Dirian has always been and will always be the world's most talented peeping tom.

At an early age, she learned how to drill peepholes in peoples' walls, and then fill it in with pinesap to cover up the evidence. She taught her brothers, older and younger, how to do this and soon every sexy female in the village had holes full of pinesap in their bedrooms and bathrooms-but after a while, the people of Marion got used to this behavior and thought nothing of it, just were unnerved slightly by a lack of privacy. When she was 13 she decided to leave Marion and find a job in the capital (since her parents thought children should work for themselves after age 12, and past that they were dirty bums).

This isn't really about all that, though. This is the story of a brave and gallant hero defeating a slew of villainous foes, monsters, and mighty enemies, all for eternal glory and the heart of the beautiful princess. As soon as soon as she gets out of shoveling cow shit for a living, that is.

I suppose she got used to it a while ago. Feed the cows, shovel, carry buckets, shovel, blah, blah, blah, etcetera, etcetera. She had her light brown hair tied back in a short ponytail, a leather and metal harness over her shoulders, which was attached to a silo, as metal fans whirled and dropped the grain into the troughs. When most people came in here, they wore a face mask or prissily put handkerchiefs over their noses. The Chief of staff did this as he walked in behind Dirian.

"Askariat! Haven't you gotten this place cleaned up yet?!"



"Oh, yes doing pretty good,. myself, thank you for asking."

The chief of staff snarled behind his handkerchief.

"I swear I'm going to fire whoever hired you."

"What might you be asking of me today, Mr. Chief-of-Staff?" she said, still ignoring him.

What he ended up telling her has no point to this story, so I'm gonna skip it. The point of this was to give you a glimpse of Dirian's attitude. No, what he ended up saying to her isn't important. But what he called her is (ironically). Until about ten years ago in Altare, the monarchy was ruled by women-which meant that women and men were legally equal, and that there were women in the army, in the government, and there were female knights. Early on, these knights were called dirians. They ended up just being called knights, but the name Dirian stuck. Dirian was common girl's name for a long time, since it meant "protector of royals". When there began to be more men in the army and the government, the name became less common, but people still named their daughters Dirian because it was a family name, or they just happened to like it. But then the last queen, Queen Araia, died-or was killed, some think-and her husband became the first king anybody could remember.

Things got a pretty crazy from then on out. The new king got rid of all the female knights and castle guards, made decrees to keep women out of parliament, and made the most ridiculous law I've ever heard besides that one in Florida about alligators and fire hydrants. His decree was: "As of this moment, no child born after this date shall bear the name Dirian; this name is an atrocity against mankind and will not be tolerated."


"What an ass!"

"Dirian!! Why'd you have to screw it up?! It was going great."

"Baku, I can tell my own damn life story."

"You couldn't tell the barn side of a broad."

"….Uh…Shut up, you green scaly ashtray."



And so it came to pass that I, the awesome-and chaste-Dirian Askariat, defeated the smoke-spouting little lizard named Baku. The end.


"There is so mush you left out of that statement. And I'm a dragon!!! Not a lizard!! Now let me continue."

"The hell I will!"

"That's right, the hell you will."


The king had a beautiful daughter named Inara. The princess was the purest and kindest in the land, and princes, noblemen, and knights of all states had attempted to woo her, but her father refused. "On her eighteenth birthday, there will be a tournament; whichever brave warrior wins shall have Inara's hand in marriage. This I decree!" (the king was pretty pious- "And full of bull crap!!" "Shut up!"-and liked making decrees.) So the magnanimous princess was forced to wait until she was eighteen for a knight in shining armor to sweep her off her feet.

This is the story of that knight, one Dirian Askariat.


That's the longest chapter I ever wrote. And it didn't even get to the story at all. Wow. Please review, and I'll update ASAP.