This was your side of the bed, not mine. Don't be too mad but I have been sleeping on it. It was always that much better than my small, little one-quarter of the bed you left me every night. I'm sorry. It's just that it's impossible to forget you but all the harder to keep the memory alive. Sometimes I just lay there and pretend it is you that I'm sleeping on. And the blankets, those are your arms, holding me, never tiring, never ceasing to let me go. Yet this never suffices. In the morning, when I wake up, I look over to see your face sleeping but you are never there, not anymore. And slowly but suddenly, the memories flood and I remember it all. Yet the fact is… you are so much more than a memory.
Some days I continue my day normally. I finish making my bed, I pray, I get dressed and I leave for work. Other days, I just lay there in complete incredulity of how I've made it this far. One whole year without you. That's three hundred and sixty four days; eight thousand, seven hundred, and sixty hours too long. Not to mention five hundred, twenty five thousand, and six hundred minutes thought perilously on you. As if you could ever truly leave me, you practically are here, even if you remain in my subconscious.
I used to pray for you. I prayed for you to get better, to see the light, to come back home. I would rest my weary head on the pillow you so often slept upon and just lie there, waiting for the door to creak open, for you to come in and start to take off your shoes and then slowly your socks. Such a precise cycle it was, your every day routine. I guess you and I are similar in that way yet unlike you, I refuse to change.
I often wonder if it was God's plan why you left me. Everything happens for a reason, right? Oh, I don't know. Don't ask me. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I've lost so much faith in you yet have gained so much in Him all the same. And I'm sure that is his purpose. I'm sure he knows how to take care of me but still I question his methods. He works in the most mysterious of ways but I hold my faith. I will not waver. I just wish that you were part of his plan for me. Maybe you still are. Maybe you need time to change, to adapt, to grow. Maybe you and I really are meant to be, forever and always.
Oh, I cannot let myself hope for so much especially since I have so little to hope upon.
I cannot and will not change you, only you can do that. I just wanted to be what you wanted so badly. And God knows I wear this pain quite heavily. I didn't know perfection could be so hard to achieve. Sounds foolish, I know but that is me, always trying to make you happy. And even still, in the end, I just wasn't enough for you. I tried my hardest not to blame myself for your leaving but I still burden myself with it. After all, I do love you.
And so, I will wait for you. I will wait for you to change, to better yourself, to be happy again like you used to be. And if it so happens to be the next few years that I keeping holding on to this without encouragement, then go on, let them be wasted. I know very well of what I am doing.
Why? Because I love you.