Author's Note:

This is an original screenplay written entirely by me for a theater project. It's quick, quirky, cheesy, and fun. Don't think. Just laugh.

We did have to actually film this (I was the director too) and we had to use "screenplay terms". Hence, the many many camera shots and screenplay terms. Just ignore them if you'd like. As my English teacher once said "Every reader is a director", so I'm sure you'll be able to imagine the scene vividly anyway (maybe with even better camera shots).

BUT be sure to read the descriptions/ scene directions, else this won't make much sense. This is my first screenplay, so I'm sure the format and the usages of some terms are wrong. More experienced scriptwriters, please forgive and advise.

As soon as we get the "movie" up on Youtube, I'll link to it. It came out very flawed, but was a hell of a lot of fun.

Characters

Liana Farnsworth - The grumpy, prim but rather talented and pretty detective. She somehow got invited to the masquerade and ended up going with Snuggies in tow as always. What can be said but that it was a pretty caseless week?

Snuggies McSnuggles - The female sidekick of the detective Liana Farnsworth. Snuggies is a bit "out there", but is tolerated by Liana, so she tags along Liana whenever she can. This murder is no exception.

Helena Woods - The privileged snooty heiress to a shipping firm currently dating George. Her best friend is Scarlet. She is moderately pretty and intelligent, but is too greedy and fawning to attract anyone other than gold diggers and players.

George Wales - The snooty Earl who'd like to "break free". Both a gold digger and a player. He is currently dating Helena and stringing along Scarlet. He would like to upgrade... but can't get anybody else but these two best friends. Is he too metrosexual?

Scarlet Johns - Another privileged, snooty girl who's best (only) friend is Helena. A bit of a slut... which explains why she can't keep girl friends. Yet she is currently infatuated with George. Unfortunately, she's rather poorer than Helena, hence no luck on being the "main girl".

Murder at the Masquerade

FADE IN (BLACK AND WHITE):

EXT. COBBLESTONE PATHWAY OUTSIDE MANSION – DUSK

SERIES OF SHOTS (SUPER CREDS):

*Horses feet CLOPPING

*CLOSE of gloves, masks, top hat, and cane.

*LONGSHOT of people (including SNUGGIES and DETECTIVE) and the mansion.

*CLOSE of the SNUGGIES's and DETECTIVE's faces, silently conversing

*The door

*They people walk in and pass through. The music abruptly stops, the door shuts with a bang.

END OF SERIES OF SHOTS

BLACKOUT (SFX). FLASH IN:

INT. BALLROOM—NIGHT

We're looking at LS of a circle of silent people wearing masks. We slowly DOLLY in. The circle parts as we move further in. CANDLES and a horizontal BODY peek through. ZOOM to the body's face, DRIPPING BLOOD. Play horror/ thriller music.

BLACKOUT (SFX). FLASH IN TO EXACT FRAME:

A hand reaches in with a feather and tickles her nose. HELENA WOODS wrinkles her nose and laughs. ZOOM out to see SCARLETT sprawled on the ground flirtatious tickling her.

HELENA

George, darling, help me up.

(raises a hand)

GEORGE hoists her up stiffly. She dusts herself while Scarlett stands up and clings to his arm.

HELENA

You're such a baby, George.

What a pity…

P.O.V over GEORGE's shoulder at LIANA:

GEORGE

(cutting SCARLETT off and shaking SCARLETT off as he talks to LIANA)

I must say, Madame, I am impressed.

INSERT EXTREME CLOSE UP of Liana Farnsworth's raised eyebrow.

LIANA FARNSWORTH

Don't be. It was rather obvious.

SNUGGIES

Yes yes! I quite saw it!

You, detective, were not the only one to see through the ploy!

My gypsy ball told me to beware of fluids!

And so I did! There was orange juice on the table!

HELENA

You are quite an odd bird, aren't you?

(laughs, but it turns into a cough. She recovers)

What has that got to do with anything?

George gave me that orange juice before the game started!

Or are you trying to make me get away from George?

Because that's rather too late.

(laughs then coughs)

INSERT SCARLETT giving HELENA a dirty look.

LIANA FARNSWORTH

(looks at SNUGGIES, HELENA. Looks away, sighing).

The killer left a handkerchief of the state bird of Massachusetts.

The note said, "she rests at the crowded place".

Who could it be but Ms. Scarlett?

And what location but the ballroom?

Quite easy for a detective as I, actually.

You should not gave invited a professional to a murder masquerade.

GEORGE

Regardless, fantastic.

I had absolutely no clue.

And to imagine you solved a mystery Scarlett and Helena planned for weeks in mere minutes!

HELENA

(taking off mask and pursing lips)

Quite right... A shame, really.

Well then, since the detective solved it so easily…

Murder's over… enjoy the food at this ritzy place.

I think I'm ossified, and Dapper wants me somewhere tomorrow.

SCARLETT

Don't be a wet blanket!

Try this at least. It's the berries!

(hands HELENA a wine glass while drinking hers)

HELENA

Well, giggle water never harmed anybody.

(drains her glass)

MS of SNUGGIES and LIANA.

SCARLETT (O.C.)

Attagirl!

SNUGGIES

Last I checked… are alcoholic beverages not illegal?

Or… (gasp) we've gone back in times!

LIANA FARNSWORTH

(sighing, sarcastic)

You slay me, SNUGGIES.

No. It is very illegal.

But speakeasies are everywhere and open to any man with rubes.

And a Sheba, no matter if a Dumb Dora, can always seduce.

GEORGE leads HELENA to the DOOR. After she slips through, wobbling, SCARLETT starts flirting with GEORGE.

SERIES OF SHOTS (layering music and voices, video turns to COLOR):

*The people eating and waltz around. Lots of noise.

*SCARLETT and GEORGE flirting in a corner. Lame pick up lines.

*LS of People dancing. SNUGGIES does weird little dance and LIANA FARNSWORTH watches.

LIANA FARNSWORTH

(to EXTRA 1 next to her)

I don't know him.

EXTRA ONE nods.

*GEORGE stands alone by himself.

*SCARLETT sneaks through the doors. EXTRA 1 goes out with her. A second later, EXTRA 2 leaves too.

*LIANA FARNSWORTH follows the two with her eyes. EXTREME CLOSE UP of her raised eyebrow.

SNUGGIES

What do you think they're doing?

Why didn't they invite me?

LIANA FARNSWORTH

You're much too young to know, SNUGGIES.

Much too young.

SFX: O.C. scream (abrupt stop in music).

*MS of George looking stunned as people pass him (in front of the camera).

END OF SERIES OF SHOTS

MS of LIANA FARNSWORTH raising her eyebrow as we hear clearly around her commotion and the rushing to the doors. She twirls her wine, smiling wryly.

LIANA FARNSWORTH (V.O.)

And so the case started. Little did I know the truth of this ridiculous murder then.

LIANA slowly drains her glass as sad, mysterious solemn music plays.

"WIPER" TRANSITION INTO BLACK. A FEW SECONDS BLACK.

FADE IN:

INT—BEDROOM

We are looking down at HELENA'S stabbed body on the bed.

EXTRA 2 (C.O.)

It wasn't me! I swear!

SCARLETT

How could it be anyone else but you?!

How could you kill my best friend, you bastard?!

INSERT George looking solemnly at HELENA, his face pale.

EXTRA 2

I was just in the bathroom, and…

And I heard suspicious sounds… and then…and then…

There she was!

(She breaks down, shaking)

SNUGGIES silently pulls a handkerchief out of her bra and gives it to the EXTRA 2. EXTRA 2 dabs her eyes.

LIANA unflinchingly approaches HELENA'S BODY. Her eyes sweep the room. SNUGGIES edges closer and peers over LIANA's shoulders.

SNUGGIES

What do you see, what do you see?

LIANA

(straightening up)

I do believe…

(she pauses dramatically)

The culprit is within this very room!

SCARLETT

That's ridiculous!

We were all invited to masquerade by Helena!

Why would we take her for a ride?

LIANA

Murder has many motives.

And look, around you, there is nothing taken.

We scan the room. There is nothing but a GLASS of orange juice and some JEWELRY.

LIANA

It was not an outside thief, but an inside job,

Someone who saw the irony of a murder at a murder masquerade.

Someone who snuck away soon after she left.

SCARLETT

Horsefeathers!

Are you accusing me, Ms. I-Am-A-Great-Detective?

Remember, I was with him!

(Point to EXTRA 1)

EXTRA 1 (VO)

No, you weren't!

You pushed me away!

SCARLETT

Dry up! This bank closed because you were a pervert!

Why don't you call the cops and get this culprit pinched then?

LIANA

(pause)

I do not yet know the culprit.

SCARLETT laughs. Liana flushes

LIANA

(She flushes)

There is simply not conclusive evidence, though I have my suspicions.

But it is not just you I suspect.

Anyone could've snuck away when no one looked.

And calling the police would be unwise.

It would give the culprit a chance to hide the murder weapon.

I believe it must still be around.

And sleeping droughts too, for Helena did not scream.

INSERT at HELENA'S pale, bloodied face.

SCARLETT opens her mouth to protest, but GEORGE puts a pale hand on her (EXTREME CLOSE UP of his squeezing hand). She closes her mouth. She looks up at GEORGE lovingly.

SCARLET

Fine! So be it!

SNUGGIES

To the clues we go!

SNUGGIES rams through the crowd. They follow her. She stops suddenly and they trip, cursing. She bends down and raises her closed fist.

SNUGGIES

Aha! A clue!

My crystal ball was right!

And Ma said I'd never be a detective!

INSERT the crowd looking at her blankly.

SNUGGIES

This button… it belonged to the culprit!

ZOOM into her vest, missing the exact same button. Insert the crowd looking at her blankly (SFX crickets chirping?). Without comment, they start walking out the room.

LIANA

(walking out with the rest, her voice fading)

We must search the room and all the party's belongings.

Please stay with the party or you shall be suspect.

SNUGGIES

To ransack other people's items we go!

(follows the crowd last, one hand with the index finger raised)

CROSSFADE:

MONTAGE (play jazz)

INT—COAT ROOM

LS of LIANA shifting through EXTRA 2's overcoat while SNUGGIES models a coat in the corner. She starts putting hands in the COAT'S pocket. LIANA pulls out lotion, comb, soap, toilet paper, all from the bathroom, from EXTRA 2's OVERCOAT. GEORGE and SNUGGIES begin a tug of war as he tries to take back his coat. LIANA raises an eyebrow at EXTRA 2.

EXTRA 2 (To Liana)

What? Those are expensive!

SNUGGIES (to George)

I'm not done searching your pockets! Wait… wait… What's this?!

(touches curiously at the inside of George's coat)

GEORGE

Give me back my coat!

LIANA

Give him back his coat, you vain female.

SNUGGIES

Hmph!

(gives George back his coat)

George quickly checks the pockets. He sighs in relief.

CROSSFADE:

INT—KITCHEN

LS of SNUGGIES sniffing FOOD while the GROUP is behind her. SNUGGIES lifts the cheese and puts it to LIANA's nose.

SNUGGIES

This is poison! Look! Look!

GEORGE

It's food.

SNUGGIES

It smells bad!

GEORGE

It's cheese.

EXTRA 1

Why are we even in the kitchen?

SCARLETT

Who the hell keeps letting this idiot lead us?

END MONTAGE (stop music)

INT—BEDROOM

GEORGE is crawling on the ground searching beneath the bed while everyone watches tensely. He crawls out and raises a hand. CLOSE UP of KNIFE covered by a BLOODY HANDKERCHIEF. Everyone turns to look at EXTRA 1.

SCARLETT

Isn't that your handkerchief?

INSERT LIANA pressing a finger to her lips thoughtfully.

TWO SHOT:

EXTRA 1

It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

SCARLETT

You dewdropper!

There's evidence right in front of you!

How can you still deny it?

LIANA steps smoothly in between SCARLETT and EXTRA 1.

LIANA

I believe, Ms. Scarlett, it is not him.

SCARLETT

Who else could it be then?!

LIANA

You.

INSERT EXTREME CLOSE UP of SCARLETT's mouth opening in protest. SFX: Dun DUN DUN