And then it all falls apart.
Just when you were sure it was getting better again. Just when you were positive that she was recovering. Just when you were so firm in your belief that yes, you had been strong enough for long enough. Just when it was ok.
But then it's not ok anymore. And you're back at a train station trying to figure out what happened this time – where it was that all your plans and ideas fell to pieces and mingled with the remnants of last time.
And you're torn again. Because no one can tell you the right thing anymore. Because right and wrong are leftovers of yesterday, and yesterday is so far away that you can't remember what it feels like not to worry.
So you're back at the station. Back where it all seems to make more sense; surrounded by strangers it seems a whole lot less real. Where the faces seem further away and the colours less bright it sounds just like the elaborate plot of the next big hit, and you can pretend that you're just an avid viewer rather than a protagonist. And you lose yourself in that comfort – the guilty pleasure that is apathy, until you can't avoid it any more.
And it's in that forbidden moment that all your forgotten thoughts creep in – the ones asking you why you even bother because every time ends up just like the ones before it. The ones that you pretend you don't have because even the thought of even possibly letting yourself think these things makes you feel like a terrible person and an appalling friend. The ones you have convinced yourself that you don't believe from time to time.
The ones you thought you'd repressed deep enough to not feel.
And you're losing yourself in songs with no meaning because feeling is too real. And you're alive with emotions you didn't know existed, deep pain in places you can't describe; but no matter how hard you try, you can't cry or scream or let it out. And it just sits there in the pit of your spleen waiting patiently for the day when the reaction sets in and the test tube bubbles over, burning holes all around you. And even then it all seems too much.
And as each new commuter gives you a look as you sit, slumped by the edge of the station, you can't help but feel hollow. Because you know that they don't understand, and that even if you screamed it out so loud so that all they could hear was your feelings they wouldn't care. Because mental illness is under the rug – forgotten and ignored until it's someone you love. And then when it's someone you love you still don't know what to do – whether anything you think or feel will ever mean anything in the long run. Whether they'll ever get better.
Whether they know that you still care.
Because you can't deal with their alternate reality anymore and you've taken the selfish way out – removing yourself from that world where only she knows the truth. Because last time it hurt too much for you to understand; last time you felt a new array of emotions that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. And now you've pushed her too far away and you can't go back – not matter how much you try. Because now you know the truth. And you convince yourself that you're doing the right thing. But that small voice in your ear comes back from time to time, asking you if you really believe your own thoughts.
And you tempt yourself into thinking that you're not involved anymore. But every time the relapse comes, the feelings are real and the feelings are raw. And you know that, despite what you hope, you're still involved and you get dragged back into it. Because that rope was tied around your waist so long ago that you can almost forget that it's there. It's been there since the first time you swore 'forever', and now you're torn down the middle, a battleground between fact and fiction.
And when you leave that station on the next express, you can forget what it's like to hope. Because although you don't know the end to the endless tale, the plotline is familiar. Because it's the story of your life.
another short collection of the musings in my mind. i wrote this a couple of weeks back on the floor of a train, and i've been tossing up putting it on here for a while. but seeing as i'm in an updating mood...
anyway, have a happy day!