CAST (in order of appearance)
Devil: "Do you carry this in an inflammable material?"
Salesclerk #1: "That's the worst devil costume I have ever seen!"
Salesclerk #2: "You're...the devil....oh dear... [Faints.]
St. Peter/"Alarm": "Why can't I just go inside the place for once?"
Salesclerk#3: "Debit or Credit?"
Random Wal-Mart Shopper: It's the Apocalypse!!!
Other Wal-Mart Shopper(s): Aaaaaaahhhhh!
Porcelain Vase Set Aflame: *sizzle*
Anchorwoman: "There has been a reported devil sighting this afternoon."
[DEVIL walking through Wal-Mart aisle, pushing grocery cart, muzak playing in the background]
Devil: (To himself): Dish soap? Check. Toilet paper? Check. Weekly torture device? ... Hmm...Better find one then...
[Now browsing DVD section of store; picks up DVD.]
DEVIL: High School Musical Two? [Flips over cover, reads synopsis.] (Shudders.) That's pretty horrible. I think in can only show it to the murderers...and bad accountants.
[DEVIL walks up to SALESCLERK#1, latter reading a book, not looking up]
DEVIL: Excuse me, but I would like to buy about 700 of these DVDs. Is it possible to get them in one buy?
SALESCLERK#1:[Still not looking up] 700? Are you kidding me?
SALESCLERK#1: Listen, buddy, I'm not selling you-[Finally looks up] Why are you in a costume? Halloween was last month. And anyway, that's the worst devil costume I've ever seen!
DEVIL: ...Uh-huh...Will I get the DVDs or not?
SALESCLERK#1: No! God!
[DEVIL walks away with one DVD]
DEVIL (To self): He's coming with me some day... I might just make it sooner than it needs to be...
[In clothing section]
DEVIL: Hmm...[Picks up jacket] I might not look bad in this...
Devil: Excuse me, Hi. Do you happen to carry this in a larger size and made out of a different material? Say, anything inflammable; polyester might work.
SALESCLERK #2: [gasps in horror] you...You're...You're the Devil!
DEVIL: Yes, and I was wondering if this jacket also came in red, yellow, or orange. Any fire color, really. I like to blend in with my surroundings. See, it lets me sneak up on the sinners and it scares them more.
SALESCLERK#2: Oh...umm...[Hyperventilating] Well there's some in the ...back room...and...Oh! [Faints]
DEVIL: Fine, I'll get it myself! Does good service even exist these days anymore? I mean it's like someone condemned all good people to eternal damnation or something... Oh wait, that was me...I really must be more forgiving...
[Starts monologue-ing about damnation without relief, bad service and whatnot]
[Arrives at backroom]
DEVIL: [Reads sign out loud] "Authorized Personnel Only." Oh whatever. [Bursts inside]
["ALARM" goes off.]
"ALARM": [Harp plays/ Heavenly music in background] (In lovely male voice) Intruder Alert, Intruder Alert.
ST. PETER ("Alarm"): Hey, you shouldn't be here- Devil? Dude, what are you doing here?
DEVIL: I could ask you the same thing.
ST. PETER: Well, come on. I'm the guy that welcomes people into Heaven or tell them to go to Hel-I mean your place. But see, that's the thing. I stand outside the gates. Why can't I just go inside the darn place for once? So, I decided to work part time here, 'cause its gets really boring up there.
DEVIL: Wait, so who's up there now?
ST. PETER: Umm... My girlfriend. She's not the brightest, but I think she will do okay...Her name's Paris Hilton.
DEVIL: Isn't she the one who didn't let Gabriel in because he didn't have any I.D.?
ST. PETER: Oh yeah... Damn it.
DEVIL: Anyway, I'm looking for a jacket.
ST. PETER: Yeah, this one? [Holds up Large, red, polyester jacket]
DEVIL: You know me too well... [Takes jacket]
ST. PETER: No, not really...I just read your mind. How else do I know if people lie their way into Heaven?
DEVIL: Right...Well, nice seeing you.
ST. PETER: Yeah, you too.
[ST. PETER floats back to ceiling; DEVIL walks out of backroom]
DEVIL: [To self.] Do I need anything else? ...I think that's it...
[Lines up in Checkout aisle # 666] [DEVIL's turn. Apathetic SALESCLERK #3 scanning items]
DEVIL:[To self] I bet I will either scare the heck out of her or she will annoy the hell out of me...
[Hands credit card to SALESCLERK #3. She looks directly at DEVIL, says]
SALESCLERK #3:[Bluntly] Hello Mr...[Looks at credit card] Satan. How are you today?
DEVIL: [Slightly confused] I'm doing fine, thank you...
SALESCLERK #3: [even more bluntly] Debit or Credit?
DEVIL: [Exasperated] But, I'm the devil...
SALESCLERK #3: [As blunt as ever] Sir, stating your identity was not one of the choices. Debit or credit?
DEVIL: [sighs] Credit...
SALESCLERK #3: [Half-hearted smile. The Bluntest of the blunt] Thank you for choosing Wal-Mart. Please come again and have a nice day.
[DEVIL walks out Wal-Mart; once again, thinking to himself.]
DEVIL: Wow, that girl was either really stupid or bored. Why couldn't I get a reaction out of her? Maybe that's a good thing...She would make a great assistant...But she could probably get into Heaven...Maybe I will give her a choice...Maybe...
[DEVIL reaches random crack in ground; Pounds red trident on concrete; Red light and flames erupt from ground and he goes back inside, to Hell sweet Hell]
RANDOM WAL-MART SHOPPER: Holy *Bleep*! That was the Devil! The ground was ripped open! OMG! (A/N: Who says that in real dialogue anyway? Isn't it bad enough that people sound really illiterate in IMs and emails already?)
[Mass pandemonium all over Wal-Mart parking lot; Screaming shoppers; Overturned shopping carts; Giant random porcelain vase set aflame; DEVIL long gone]
[Nightly news comes on; playing from DEVIL's Television set]
ANCHORWOMAN: Good evening and welcome to Eight Days a Week News at 7 on channel -237. There has been a reported devil sighting this afternoon at our local Wal-Mart. Just listen to this frightened shopper there on the scene.
[Video box opens up on T.V. screen]
SAME WALMART SHOPPER: Holy *Bleep*! It's the *Bleep* Apocalypse! SAVE YOURSELVES! GRAB EVERY FLYING WHALE YOU SEE AND FLEE!!! Hey, that rhymes...You know what else rhymes? Bail and Hail and Ra—
[Video box closes up; camera focuses back to anchorwoman]
ANCHORWOMAN: As you can see, that was a very traumatized man. There were also other witnesses—
[Voice blends into background]
DEVIL: [rolls eyes] Pssh...Humans.
[Clicks T.V. off]