This is a letter I wrote to my friend. No, it's not serious. Obviously.


Dear [insert name here],

I am going to kill you tonight.

I will sneak in through your window, and gag you before you can scream.

I'll cut off your limbs so you can't stop me.

Then I'll slowly peel the skin off your bleeding torso while you scream at the top of your lungs (which I will later devour).

Next I'll cut off your left ear, rip a juicy chunk off, and eat it in front of you.

Then comes your eyes, which I will stab repetitively and then rip them out of your very skull.

Then I'll stab you repeatedly in the face, and thirty-seven times in the chest.

Then I'll cook up your head and put your severed body in my freezer for later.

There's nothing you can do to stop me.

Just thought you'd like to know.