Philophobia: The Fear of Falling in Love
There is always the girl afraid to fall in love. She is always running her hardest to get away from just the notion and when she sites anything that resembles love, her whole body becomes frozen before quickly de-thawing in the process of backing away as quickly as possible. She is a selfish one, carrying only thoughts of her own feelings, and, for once, she is not I.
The Girl That Was Always Afraid is hesitantly stepping towards That Boy's house, to the door, to the knee on the floor from where she will pro-claim her love in simplest of cliché ways.
As she reaches her destination, the pretty pastel house with the occasional patch of dried up and neglected grass that she refuses to let herself be any longer, with no cars in the drive, thankfully, her footfall stutters.
Can I do this? No I can't. I lied to myself. How did I make it this far?
Oh yes, I remember. The passing of Old Miss Winter's –Oak Hill's resident crazy cat lady whom likes dogs instead and never fell in love, never married, never had sex?- house and that yellowed grass.
Like Thomas the Tank Engine, I think I can, I think I can, all the way up to his front door.
The doorbell rings, my knee squeals in pain from the rough wood porch, and I try to pout as cutely as I can without looking like I frozen fish trying to apologize.
He opens the door as planned and, also as planned, has the most shocked and adorable face in the world to greet me with. My brain says I love him and my heart thumps in agreement. I said I'd never do this, but I have and I can't take it back. My mind won't let me anymore. I'm in too deep and I tell him this.
His face is confused but I don't give up hope because I'm no longer afraid. This love has made me sore, just like he has all those days he chased after me, but now it's my turn to do the chasing.
"I love you, boy."
He looks so torn with those eyebrows tweaked downward and green eyes shining. My heart palpitates in my ears.
I can only watch in horror as I'm stuck like a stone on his porch, an idiot on my knee like I'm asking for his hand, as I learn I'm not the only one who loves him.
And I am back to running, back to being That Girl.
There aren't words to describe how stupid I was. Why did I ever think he loved me back? I was the same as any other girl that he wanted for the chase. How could my love ever be important to someone, some boy?
I was wrong about him but all along, I was right to run.