A/N Argh- I hate that I could win the worst updater in the world award/cone of shame hands down. Sorry. Truth be told I forgot about this. UNTIL TODAY! Next update within the week or you can shoot me. With pillows. No death please.

Um anyway- it's probably best if you read the entire thing over but crucial plot points- Jai is in love with "English girl," who is Max. Sam moved in with Phoebe and when he went to check out the flat, Max was there, leading him to think that Max was also going to be a roomie. He told Krish and Jai this, which is why Krish still believes the girl Sam lives with is "English Girl." Max is a health freak and told Sam she'd make him a veggie burger at Phoebe/Sam's place, Sam agreed, thinking he'd bring Jai along. That's why the gang are now congregating. Hopefully that made sense.

WotW readers- epilogue in the works. I haven't had my laptop for a month so that screwed me over a bit. But it'll be up soon :)


x-o-x-o

Four

x-o-x-o

dating 101: no vomit

Jai finds gazing at his reflection to be a reassuring experience. Usually. It is not that he is cocky, it is just that he knows that he is good-looking. Who could feel anything but confident looking at that tanned face, those piercing eyes, that strong-but-not-too-strong jaw-line? Damn straight he could give Brad Pitt a run for his money.

-x-o-x-o-x-o-

Now may be an appropriate time to mention that Jai Adams becomes a little different (some might even say a dickhead) under the influence of alcohol.

-x-o-x-o-x-o-

Jai knocks back another swig of whisky, sets the bottle aside, and leans forward on the bathroom cabinet, scrutinising his face. Right. All he has to do is smile-like so- all right, maybe not that widely, and English Girl is not going to know what hit her. There will be no need to follow Sam and Krish's extensive advice. He has this under control. He is a real man. He is a fine looking… Jai crumples over the basin.

This is not working, his nerves are shot. Fuck. If his face can't save him, what can?

He reflexively reaches into his pocket for his mobile, hits 3 and the call button in quick succession, and waits for his lifeline to answer.

"Why aren't you here yet?" comes Sam's greeting.

"I can't do this," Jai tells him. "I'm staying home."

"Fine."

Even though the alcohol is starting to make him feel like he is having an outer-body-experience, Jai knows this is not the right thing for Sam to say. "That's it?"

"Yep. See you never, I suppose."

"What? I tell you I can't meet English Girl and our friendship is over?"

"Jai, Jai, Jai," Sam says, sighing deeply, like he is the mature one in the relationship. "Remember what you said to me when you came back from your tutorial with English girl?"

"Yeah…"

"You said, Sammy boy-"

"I never call you Sammy boy," Jai corrects him.

"Sammy my boy, you said-"

"Can you not make me sound like a fifty year old dude with a pot belly in this story?"

"Sammy my boy you said, my father once said to me…"

"If you're going to tell a story you should be historically accurate, s'all I'm saying."

"Will you stop interrupting?" Sam hisses and Jai shrugs, forgetting Sam can not see him. "The sentence you said to me was as follows: Sammy my boy, my father once said to me, the day I saw your mother, I knew. She was love on legs."

"Ok, you just make that sound creepy."

Sam ignores him and adopts the too-deep voice he no doubt believes Mr Adams Senior uses. "And when I saw her I knew, that was the woman I wanted to spend the life with. And I knew that I wouldn't let anything stop that from happening. Nothing in my life mattered but her, and I knew that before I even spoke to her."

"I might have told you a story like that, yeah," Jai admits, scratching the back of his neck.

"And then do you know what you said?"

"Wanna get a beer?"

"Come over to my place right now and you can have one. Don't distract me. You said, Sammy my boy, I've seen that girl- the girl for me. Love on legs."

"I really don't remember that. I don't think it happened. Wanna come over and play on my Wii?"

This distraction proves too much for Sam. "Why do you think it is that Wii sounds like penis when it doesn't really sound anything like penis?"

"You can have fun on my Wii any time," Jai says and he starts laughing, hysterically.

"Hey man, I've got my own Wii to have fun with. Jai. Jai! Shut up! You sound like a hyena on crack. Do you want to walk away from this?"

"My… hyena?" Jai manages to say between breaths.

"This is your game. Don't mess it up."

With that Sam hangs up, and it takes five minutes for Jai to realise that Sam was talking about English Girl, not an animal he remembers vaguely from The Lion King. He spends another ten minutes sitting on his couch, running over the game plan he, Krish and Sam (ok, just Sam) had concocted last night. He thinks of being forty years old and being drunk at home alone, because he has no wife to stop him. He thinks of his father. He thinks of his parents sitting on a porch, in rocking chairs, waiting to hold the grandchildren their son never gave them.

All right! Fine!

No more hiding. No more running. Game on.

Jai stands, and knows that when his life is made into a movie, this moment will be the climax, the symphonic moment, the tear-jerking drama in slow motion. When the room in front of him stops splitting into two before his very eyes, he grabs his jacket and runs (all right, stumbles) out of the room.

-x-o-x-o-x-o-

Krish arrives early at Max's barbeque at Phoebe and Sam's place. Sam introduces Phoebe as "the girl he is living with," then disappears with Max onto the balcony. Krish smiles at Phoebe and follows her into the kitchen where she will fix him a drink.

"I've heard so much about you," Phoebe says, opening and shutting many cupboard doors.

-x-o-x-o-x-o-

Things might have turned out differently if

Max hadn't wanted to show Sam the (unappetising looking) vegetable patties she had prepared.

Krish hadn't been studying like a lunatic all week, consequently barely speaking to either Sam or Jai, and therefore remaining uninformed that Sam hadn't actually moved in with English Girl at all.

-x-o-x-o-x-o-

As English Girl digs around for a glass, Krish watches her, trying to find some signs of the girl who captured Jai's heart with looks alone. Sam's new room-mate won't stand out in a lecture hall, he decides. She looks pale, like she doesn't spend much time in the sun, and has reddish hair that she pulls into a messy bun on top of her head. Her legs look long in tight jeans, but most of her figure is hidden beneath the baggy t-shirt she wears. But there is no accounting for taste. Jai has liked some weird girls in his time, and Phoebe seems to be normal. She apologises for the disappearance of all glasses from her apartment, and offers Krish water inside a glass jar. Well, almost normal.

"What am I saying? Of course you don't want to a drink in a jar. MAX!" Phoebe yells so loud that Krish jumps. "Where are the glasses?"

"Dishwasher!" Max yells back.

Phoebe grins sheepishly and glasses found, pours a generous amount of coke into one. "Sam's always talking about you. I've been looking forward to meeting you and Jai."

The truth is that Jai's love life is not at the top of Krish's priorities, but it will be so easy at this juncture to give him a helping hand. According to Krish's observances of human nature, a person is far more likely to be interested in someone if they know that that someone is interested in them.

"Jai is really looking forward to meeting you too," Krish says boldly and he takes the coke from Phoebe's hand. Phoebe raises her brows and responds instinctively to Krish's open smile, leaning towards him as he leans towards her. "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Jai likes you very much."

Krish has been expecting the information to make Phoebe blush and look coy, but she just looks bewildered. "Me? But I don't even know who he is."

"Apparently you two were in the same tute last year, and he always wanted to talk to you but he could never muster up the courage."

Phoebe tries to hide a smile. "What did you say his name was?"

"Jai, Jai Adams?"

Phoebe feels flattered and embarrassed at the same time. "I don't remember anyone called Jai in any of my tutes but my memory isn't the greatest. How do you know it's-"

There is a sharp rap on the door that can only be Jai and Phoebe turns pale. Krish smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring kind of way, and leaves to let Jai in. Krish opens the door and smells Jai before he sees him. His friend sways from side to side for a second and then collapses on top of Krish, swallowing him in a hug. Krish, who does not come from an affectionately demonstrative family, pats Jai warily on the back and prays for it to end. Finally it does- with his hands on Krish's shoulders, Jai pushes himself straight up and gazes into Krish's eyes. Then he grabs Krish's cheeks, and for a horrifying second, Krish thinks he is about to become a little too intimate with Jai, but Jai just stares into Krish's face, with tears welling in his eyes.

"You're a good friend," Jai says, and with one final clap on Krish's shoulder, Jai stumbles into Sam and Phoebe's apartment.

"Oh Christ," Krish mutters to himself.

-x-o-x-o-x-o-

Outside, Sam is trying to raise Jai's love life from its current state as a rotten, putrid corpse. He flips vegetable patties like he was born to work at McDonald's, and tries not to tear up while Max attacks onions with a knife. From the way she is going at it, Sam feels she may have been born to be a serial killer.

"So my friend Jai who's coming today as well?"

"Mm?"

"He's really, great." Sam drowns in a pause as he tries to think exactly what it is that pulls girls to Jai. Not the whining or the bitching, obviously. Or his tendency to forget dates. Or their names. Sam falls back on an easy plus. "He's really hot."

Max drops her knife and pushes her fringe away from her face. Sam tries not to watch the way she licks her lips before speaking. "Are you into him?"

Her lips are very red, bodacious even. "What?"

"Are you suffering from unrequited love?"

"What! No! Jesus Max!" He tries to laugh but winds up choking up on far more spit than should be swishing around in his throat. "I'm just trying to make you aware of his very stellar qualities."

"Ok," Max replies and he hates that she is trying not to smile.

"He's really into- um, this girl, but for some reason he's freaking out about it so…" A master plan occurs to Sam, even better than the one he has Jai carrying out today. Really, he should be the PM, or someone's personal guru. "Maybe you could help him? You know, give him a few tips so he's not a failure on the dating scene? Take him out on a fake date, even?"

"Mm." Max's attention is back on the onions. "Doesn't really sound like my scene. Maybe you should ask Phoebe."

"No!" Max looks at him sharply and Sam backtracks. "I mean, I think you'd be good at it."

"Why?"

Right at this moment, Sam hates that there is no room for bull shit around Max.

"You know, because you crash funerals. Seems like you like doing different things. Maybe it'll even be good writing material for you."

Max stares at him and Sam feels like he is being X-rayed to enter the main building of the CIA. "I'll think about it."

He lets out a breath he has been holding in. Jai is going to know that he owes his best mate about ten shots on their next trashy night out. There is the sound of a crash, and through the glass doors of the balcony Sam sees that his whipped, ungrateful friend has already arrived and sent a stack of Phoebe's accounting textbooks flying to the floor. From the looks of things he is trying to apologise to Phoebe with an iron grip on her shoulders. Phoebe's lips are puckered and there is a fold between her eyebrows. It is the same expression Phoebe wore straight throughout The Notebook. Only this time, Sam is sure his roommate is about to turn into a fountain for completely different reasons.

Max is at Sam's side, an eyebrow raised. "That your friend Jai?"

At times like this, a man has to think of his own dignity. "Nah, never seen him in my life. "

They slide the door open and after one step into the living room, Sam can smell the whiskey on Jai's breath. Jai whirls around. Perhaps the shock of seeing his English Girl, combined with the sudden sloshing around of alcohol in his system prompts his next move, totally not in the way he and Sam had carefully planned it the night before.

"I l-l-love you bay-bee and if it's quite all right I need you bay-beeee, to warm a lon-lee niiii-ght…oh preet-ee baay-bee laaa di daaa…"

All in all the serenading manoeuvre worked a lot better for Heath in 10 Things I Hate About You. Maybe it's the marching band that makes the difference. Maybe it's the fact that Julia Stiles actually knew who the fuck Heath was. Maybe it's the weird gyrating move that makes Jai look like he is humping the air. But Sam figures it's the projectile vomit all over the sofa that does it.

Phoebe screams. Max is doubled over, laughing. Krish has his arms folded like he's too classy for this shit. Sam remains silent, torn between mortification and disappointment that he doesn't have a video cam.

"I never understands why he drinks when he can't hold his alcohol," Krish declares dispassionately.

They all survey Jai in shock, who supremely indifferent to his social faux pas or the vomit on his shirt, is sitting on the floor, cradling his head.

Max looks up at Krish, a little puzzled. "Have we already met?"

"Yes, at Jeanette's funeral, am I right?"

"Yeah… you're friends with Sam and… him?"

Krish has never been more inclined to lie in his entire life. "The pay has never seemed large enough."

Max laughs while Phoebe skids back into the room, mop, bucket and sponge in hand. "I know it's my sofa," she says loudly, "and it breaks my heart because ever since I found it in a flea market two years ago we've been in love, but I just can't do it. Any takers?"

"I will," sighs Krish and Sam thinks good on him, and screw chivalry- there is no way in hell he is sponging up Jai's spew. And by the looks of it- neither is Jai- the dickhead is now passed out on the floor. At least the future doctor in Krish lets him take whisky reeking vomit in his stride. Sam reckons it must be a side-effect of having to chop up dead dudes. Phoebe is looking at Krish like he is a some creepy perfect guy out of a Taylor Swift song. Well, dabbing at vomit- that's a move they don't teach you at the movies.


A/N Oh Jai. You are such an idiot. In other news, I don't think I've used the words "spew" and "humping" since Middle School…

Hey you've read this far! May as well make my day and leave a review! :D