7 November 2006

Dear Diary,

I wonder if I'm the only one who's felt like a fifth wheel. All around me are groups and especially couples. It feels like I'm the weird one who doesn't fit in.

I have, for most lessons, a group of friends that consists of a couple; a soon-to-be couple and then there's me. It's a familiar feeling but frankly, I'm sick to death of it. Parents, sister-and-her-boyfriend, then me, As they've been dating for years, it's become like a way of life, but my way of life is as welcome as a toilet cleaner's.

I just want a change! I've had fifteen years of "singleness." I've had to accept that either I need to break out of the routine, even if I have to ask him out myself, or that there is something seriously wrong with me. How many other diaries have I filled with tearful reflections of how ugly or unattractive I am? Like 3! Which in itself fairly disgusts me. Surely there's enough guys out there? I've often wondered why God wouldn't let me have just one.

From previous experience, it's not hard to guess why I'm writing this. Yes, okay—I like another guy. Geoff.

in the following excerpt, all the "i"s are dotted with hearts and the page is covered over in doodles, flowers and swirls in pink and glitter.

3 December 2006

Dear Diary,

Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmyGOSH!

Sooooooo much has happened since my last entry!

Ok, well, first things first: Geoff asked me out! It happened, like, 2 weeks after my last entry after church. It was so cool! After about 10 major crushes since Grade 6 I was so not expecting him to actually ask me out! (I was actually surprised I didn't scream out loud!) Of course, having come to this church with us for about 3 years, (and definitely a "looker") mom and dad would be all for it. Mom even said to me; "I wouldn't mind having him for a son-in-law" as is her custom when she suspects I like someone she approves of. So I said yes to him straight away.

Everyone approved, to cut a long story short. I finally found out what it's like to be a new pair of wheels on a whole new cart. Having already started on the pages of my fifth diary of what it's like to hold hands for the first time and my first (EVER!) kiss, (and all the others after that), I won't kill my poor overused hand by rewriting the whole soppy thing. I will only say one word about it: AMAZING!

I'm starting to scare myself with thoughts of marriage! The other day I was thinking I wouldn't even have to change my signature and initials (Geoff and Joanna Spelling!) But I guess I'm just so happy. I can't think of anything else!

We went on so many cool dates! Flying kites at the beach. Riding bikes at the sea, braai's at his house with all the other Spellings! And formal dances! (I'm running out of things to wear!)

Another thing that's so amazing it that I can get used to saying "we" and having sms's and e-mails 24/7! I feel so loved and wanted! It's so wonderful! I'm never going to let this one go! Never ever!

What follows is a thick section of the diary. It has been glued together and most of the first page is illegible because of ink scribbled over the words and vicious cuts sawn through the thickness of the pages. The words that can be read are as follows:

March 1: I can't believe this piece of junk. It's the most soppy bunch of rubbish I've ever read. I'm like a little girl, with pink pages and hearts everywhere! If it wasn't for my therapist, this whole thing stupid rubbish would be covered in black ink, and or turn up—or therapist thinks it'll be good to write about my "experiences." Though why in this pink trash, I have no idea. I'm not allowed to touch the pages. She reckons it'll help me later but all I want is to rip through it with a serrated knife—the kind you use to cut bread.

Anything else is not legible. Past the ripped, glued pages, the diary resumes in a careless script.