"You'll never believe what happened."
"In the morning."
"This had better be fucking apocalyptic."
"It's something like that."
"Fine, I'm listening."
"Okay, so you know how my brother's home from college?"
"Well, you know how he has, like, twenty million friends?"
"You mean the ones that have keys to your house?"
"Same ones that are basically your extended family?"
"Those are the ones."
"Sure, what about them?"
"So they were drinking last night—"
"…It's a Tuesday."
"Well, now it's Wednesday."
"Oh, much classier."
"Right, so they were playing pong."
"No, soda pong."
"Obviously beer pong."
"Well, you said drinking, I didn't know what kind of drinking."
"Illegal drinking. Always illegal."
"They're in college."
"I don't get why it's such a rebellious thing at their age, though. Your brother only has to wait one more year for it to be legal."
"So, I guess they're trying to catch their cheap thrills while they can. It's obviously not that much fun once you're allowed to do it."
"So I go downstairs for a water bottle."
"You walked into the gator pit."
"The gator pit?"
"I said what I said."
"Why not the snake pit or something?"
"Because it's 5:15 in the morning."
"Ok, so yeah, I walk down the stairs and grab a water bottle and I guess they were talking about me or something—"
"Well sure, because you're your brother's sister, they always talk about you."
"Right. So one of them drags me over and goes 'have you ever played pong before'?"
"So I'm like, 'no.'"
"Yeah, well that's weird if you think about it."
"Right, by 17 you should have gotten shitfaced at least once by normal society standards."
"America is so twisted."
"No, just the teenagers are. Continue."
"Right, so like I said, I guess they were talking about me cus once I get down there about five of them are like 'Speak of the fucking devil!' and 'Jesus was listening to me!'."
"That's very weird to juxtapose those two biblical references at the same time. But we're past this part of the story."
"It's 5:15 in the morning, I'm backtracking so that I make sure that you understand."
"Right, so which one dragged you over?"
"So, yeah, Pete asks me if I've ever played pong and I told him no and it took him five minutes to get over the shock of that before he was like 'Well, you're going to play now.'"
"Did you actually drink?"
"Your self-control amazes me."
"Whatever. So Pete shoves the ball in my hand and directs me on how to throw it."
"What's so hard? Throw ball, land in cup, other team takes a drink."
"Well, I really didn't know how."
"The fact that you turned 17 and are still this innocent literally blows my mind."
"Doesn't matter. So I feel all pressured and shit because I feel like I have to make this shot otherwise I'll look pathetic."
"You sucked, didn't you?"
"Actually, it bounced, hit two cups and then fell in a third."
"See, I didn't realize that it was that big of a deal before they all started freaking out."
"What'd they say?"
"They recorded it on the table."
"The table that Pete travels from house to house with?"
"The Beer Pong Table?"
"The one where only the most epic of shots is recorded on in sloppy permanent marker?"
"You've just entered into the hall of fame."
"I guess so."
"That table is like the sisterhood of the traveling alcoholics."
"I know. I wasn't sure whether or not to feel proud."
"Why wouldn't you?"
"Because I'm not really sure if I should feel all happy about the fact that one of the areas I'm totally skilled in is something that I'd have to get shitfaced to do, but I have a C in trig."
"But trig is stupid, you need pong in life."
"Whatever you say."
"So what happened?"
"Pete picks me up and starts making out with the side of my face."
"Well, Pete's good looking."
"Right, but he missed my mouth."
"Whatever, so it's like a pornographic type of European kiss on the cheek thing."
"Actually, that's kind of what he said when my brother tried to tackle him."
"Okay so what then?"
"Well, I laugh for a little while because they're beyond thrilled, Pete puts me down, I go upstairs with my water bottle and close the door."
"Is that the end?"
"Well, unless you count Pete rushing upstairs to my room and begging me to be on his team."
"Did you do it?"
"I have school tomorrow."
"So you called me to tell me about the beer pong shot of amazing?"
"It's 5:30 in the morning."
"Yeah, why the hell are you up? We have school tomorrow."
"We can't all be as classy as you are on Tuesday nights."