My Boyfriend is Potentially Homosexual?
It all started with that fateful question. I asked it out of foolishness and regretted it forever after.
"If David was a girl, would you go out with him?"
Don't ask me how we got there. Our conversations are like little psychotic bunnies on speed. In a good way, obviously. We're intellectual people. I think. I hope. Well, at least we pay 50,000 dollars of tuition to make it seem that way.
"Oh yeah, definitely. I'd hit that in a second," responded my potentially homosexual boyfriend.
"David, man, we'd be cute together, right?" he continued.
David sidled up to Kiril in a decidedly girly and also potentially homosexual manner.
"Definitely, man. It's just society keeping us apart." He looked at me, a wide grin on his face. "I can't believe I let you have him, Ad, babe."
Fast forward to now.
I was having a serious conversation with some friends of mine, and the topic of Kiril and David came up.
"They're both so pretty and such good friends too."
"Isn't it usually harder for guys to get close?"
"They must really click."
"If I didn't know better, I'd say they look really good together, no offense Ad."
Sentences that are prefaced with the phrase "no offense" should be outlawed. They offend. They're designed to offend. End.
So I started to think about it. A lot. I watched Brokeback Mountain to investigate. I started seeing signs everywhere.
They would hang out in David's single with the door closed. They'd talk for hours. They were both decidedly metrosexual and dressed stylishly. Stylish = liking men.
I decided to test Kiril more directly.
I had recently bought a new dress. A straight guy would ogle my boobs, maybe…no. Just the ogling. A homosexual guy though…well, I had a couple of theories.
"How do I look?" I did a quick spin in my red silk Michael Kors dress and waited for a reaction. Really, bated breath, everything.
"Very nice," he replied, catching my waist and stealing a quick kiss at the same time.
"No, but what do you think?" I probed.
"You look hot in red, you know that."
Kiril laughed and gave me a squeeze, a frown marring his forehead. "And it sets off your hair color…?"
Oh my God, why did this all happen to me? Was I his girlfriend for covering his ass purposes only? I think I'm about to puke.
As I was not particularly known for my 'gaydar' I went to find my friend Christine who, as a bonafide New York City native, grew up to develop particularly sharp senses.
"Addison, Jesus Christ. Calm the fuck down. He is not gay. Gay guys do not sleep with straight girls for 'cover'. They stay single and stare longingly at pretty boys' asses and secretly watch gay porn." I opened my mouth as if to say something and was cut off. "I already checked Kiril's computer for the gay porn, don't worry. He hasn't got one but the lacrosse player two floors up, well…"
Ok, another dead end. I needed someone to give me definitive proof. Of course, at the time I was leaning more towards definitive gay proof. I guess you could say some of the following may be in my mind, but you don't know that. Don't judge me, man. My boyfriend is potentially homosexual.
Exhibit A: The music he listens to. He listens to anything that catches his attention. He plays Alicia Keys and Boyzone and Ronan Keating. What straight guy does that? What straight guy plays guitar and sings "When You Say Nothing At All" in a hallway for his girlfriend…Whoa. Snap out of it.
Exhibit B: His shoe collection. Too clean, too varied, and he is far too protective of them. He owns a pair of orange Nike football boots for God's sake!
Exhibit C: His cologne. Or his colognes more like, or however it is that that word is made plural. He mixes a bunch of different scents and smells absolutely divine. I know when he's ready for class because I can smell his cologne all the way down the hall in my room. He smells so good. I secretly sneak his cologne when he's not paying attention and I love wearing his clothes because it just reminds me of…the fact that he is potentially homosexual. Oh God, focus.
Ok, that was really all I came up with. Three is a lot. There were three musketeers, three blind mice, and look at how much attention they got.
I was convinced that he wouldn't be able to keep up the façade for much longer. I hatched an ingenious plan to force it out of him. Every time we were out and walking around, I would comment on how some guy was cute, or how I liked his hair or the way he dressed. When we were hanging out with friends, I'd push him towards his friends to see what the interaction was like.
I decided that it was best if I didn't touch him anymore, until I had more proof of…well you know. I didn't want to have to miss him if I didn't have to, and I figured that getting a head start on trying to get over him and rectifying my reputation would be good for the both of us.
Then one day it happened.
"Look at that guy, I love his fauxhawk thing. How long do you suppose it takes to do th–."
"Addison." Kiril grabbed my arm and pulled me around to face him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded, his eyes boring holes in my skull.
"Um…nothing. I have no idea what you're talking about." I laughed nervously, trying to force a miserable smile onto my face, but then changing my mind last minute upon looking at Kiril's expression.
"Are you trying to tell me you don't want to be together anymore? Because this is the longest most drawn-out breakup I've ever gone through and it's driving me insane! Just say the truth, Ad, I'm so tired of this." He sighed and dropped my hand.
"I don't want to break up with you!" I blurted out.
"Oh, what, you just want to force me to break up with you? What the hell, Ad?"
Ok, definitely not going well, he was more angry.
"No! I just um…"
Kiril narrowed his eyes at me suspiciously. "Um?"
"I can't, you're going to dump me!" I wailed, feeling panic starting to overtake me.
Kiril's eyes softened. "Ad, I don't think you could possibly say anything that would make me want to dump you."
Aww, damn and he said it so sincerely too. Ok, breathe.
Kiril's brow knitted. "One more time, babe?"
I sighed. "I thought that you might be gay and you were using me as a cover."
The tension smoothed out of Kiril's shoulders.
"Ok. I have to say I'm a little relieved–."
Why the hell was he relieved?? Oh my God, it's true. "I don't want to hear it, I get it, stop!" I covered my ears with my hands and screwed my eyes shut, as if that would help keep noise out.
Kiril's hands clamped over my own, prying my hands gently off of my ears.
"Addison. Look at me."
I looked up, mildly afraid of what was going to come. At least he had the decency to let me down gently.
"I am not gay."
My eyes widened.
"I cannot believe that you thought I was gay. I don't know whether to be offended or happy that you care about my happiness so much."
My face must have reflected my confusion because he went on. "Because clearly you've been trying to get me to tell you I was gay and set me up with David or something…which is weird. I can't date David, he's taller than me."
I laughed weakly.
"I think you'd know if I was gay, and let me tell you something."
He tiled my chin up so he could stare right at me.
"I am not gay."
I smiled, my grin getting wider as I realized that this was all true and he wasn't gay. I didn't turn him gay! Yipee!
He grabbed my hand again, dragging me after him.
"And I'm going to prove it to you right now."
Now that's what I'm talking about.
Thank God they're not all gay…but at least this one is taken.