My heart felt like a burden to carry, and my mind felt so twisted and elaborated like a silvery spider web. Icy cold pressure squeezed my veins, feeling like it was going to pop anytime. I felt stoned. It wasn't supposed to come back for another month….
It used to come once a year. And then it became a little more frequent like once every six months. Then it changed from once every two months. And then it came once a month. But now it was wanting to come once a week. An early misery for me.
Why did it keep coming?
What the hell did it mean?
I don't know.
No one does….
I sat up from my coffin and felt the unbearable pain in my chest. It was just killing me, and it was coming back to me. It has ambushed me….
I have been seeing this scene over and over again like a videotape. I remembered feeling his hot breath lingering on my neck as his dark, deep set of brown eyes pierced through my very soul. His lip pulling into a small, crooked smile. Thee way he was holding onto my waist as the other hand fitted on my shoulder perfectly as if it belonged there. I also remembered him treating this like an evening celebration, and I loved that feeling. How he was staring at me. How he was holding me. How his breath lingered onto my neck. God, it felt so good…
But then I found myself in a dark corridor with my blood drowning the whole floor. I didn't remember how I got there. I didn't remembered how my blood started pouring out. And I didn't even remember how I'm still living…but I did remember one thing.
The unbearable pain in my chest. My heart feeling like a sudden burden. Someone had pour salt in the open wound of my heart…and now, I always feel a sudden heaviness in my heart every time it comes…
What is it a sign for the near future?
Is this the key to the truth of my past?
Is this just a hallucination?
Is it a lost memory I had experienced once?
Was my mind playing dirty tricks on me?
Does that kind of memory even exist for me?
I didn't have the answer.
I believed no one does…..
It was a Hell that cannot shake off. A Hell that is defeating me in battle. A Hell inside my head. A Hell that won't leave until I was its victim. A tortured animal…..
This pain, this memory…..is it all real?
I was not sure.
No one was…..
I was just an animal trapped inside a metal cage and chained down with the fear of faded memories. A lost, pitiful animal that can't find its way home….
An evening celebration, an evening celebration,
Was it real?
The feeling I got?
The breath lingering onto my neck?
The crooked smile?
His hand fitting perfectly on my shoulder?
Or was it all a dream?
I didn't remember anything.
And no one remembered it…..
A careless whisper of a friend hurt. But the burden in my heart hurt even more. I didn't like this feeling. I wanted the "evening celebration" feeling again. I wanted to feel it again….
Or the truth?
Or a sign?
I wanted to remember.
But no else does…..
But whatever happened on that night. The only night that I can seem to remember in my past. It has changed me forever, and I was becoming someone that I didn't know anymore. A whole new stranger……a whole new life…….
Who was I now?
Am the same person I was before?
Or am I different?
I thought so.
But no one wouldn't tell me….
But I wanted that feeling again. Just one more time. Before my transformation was complete. Before it was my time to go. Before I become nothing. Let this feeling be real. Let it be real. Let it be real this time.
The "evening celebration" feeling…