Author's Note: Okay, seeing as there's hardly anything on my profile, I thought I would post something... anything for now. After years of past experiences of reading and watching horror stories, some inspiration from websites as well as a lot of suggestions from my friends, there's a quick list :)
*Edit, this story used to be in the Horror Category, but it is now moved to Humor, since I feel it's more appropriate there.
Summary (Or should I say more like those irritable saleswomen and ads that annoy you?): Want to beat annoying bad-written horror stories at their game? Want to laugh at their face when you stay alive in the end? Here's guide for anyone to survive in any horror story, guaranteed! With over 30 tips and instructions, a must have for readers!:
Horror Stories for Dummies: A Guild for Survival
1. After you think you have killed a monster, never approach it to check if it's still alive – it will pounce on you.
2. Never be alone in a dark house, with floors creaking, with thunder and lightning, during a blackout, and the doors are locked and the house is strangely silent.
3. Never play with an Ouija Board, you will summon an evil spirits and the next thing you know, a knife is flying around the room on its own.
4. Parents never understand, if a child is acting odd or crazy more than normal, parents will just refuse to care, act or say anything about it.
5. The police will never listen to you either, in fact, that goes for all grownups.
6. When running away from a monster, expect to fall over at least twice.
7. If you encounter anyone who is ridiculously nice and cute, run as far as you can, it's most likely an evil creature in disguise.
8. Monsters are statically drawn to groups of no smaller than six members of friends, family or tourists. Also the group must consist of all ranges of race, gender and stereotypes.
9. No matter who you are, whether you are a dumb blonde bimbo, nerdy geek or a fat slob, if you have a gun and trying to shoot the monster, you will always miss the first two shots but on the third shot, no matter what gun it is, whether it is a hand gun, a machine gun, shot gun, sniper or rifle you will not only always somehow shoot perfectly, but make it a head shot too! Nevermind how crap you are at guns and never held one and never been this scared in your whole life
10. Always listen to the "crazy" guy. If he says "Don't go there" 99.99% he is right.
11. All experiments conducted by mad scientists WILL go wrong.
12. Ignore the crazy scientist that keeps insisting to capture the mutant/monster alive and study it alive
13. Don't go running through the woods in the dark waving your torch around and saying "*INSERT NAME* WHERE ARE YOU?!" You will be followed by some evil presence.
14. Always bring extra batteries for the flashlight; it will ALWAYS somehow stop working in the worst time when a monster is chasing you.
15. Never grab someone on their shoulder, they will always scream.
16. Keep pinching yourself every now and then to check you're not having a nightmare.
17. Never accept invitations from stranger who live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.
18. If you are running away from an evil monster and come across with two doors, always choose the left one.
19. If your car breaks down at night, don't go to a deserted-looking mansion to phone for help.
20. Do not search the basement – especially if the lights have just gone out and the phone is dead.
21. After entering any dark dodgy room, expect to find the door locked when going back.
22. If you have a weird scary dream and no one believes you, it's real.
23. Don't be the cocky, tough guy: you will be brutally murdered.
24. If the bad guy shows up, don't just sit there, scream and look at your inevitable doom, do anything, run, kick or punch dammit!
25. Never split up if you know a monster is around somewhere, or say "Let's explore that dark place, you go the other way and we'll meet up later." YOU WON'T.
26. If you are trapped and the killer is moving toward the death blow and *slowly* raises his butcher knife up over his head, NOW would be a good time to run.
27. Never use a time-traveller to achieve a particular goal, it will stuff up and the whole plan goes upside down.
28. Many people go insane at the end, check yourself regularly to make sure you're not
29. If your date has fangs, go home.
30. If your date has rotting decaying green flesh, stumbling as if drunk when walking moaning and groaning when and behaves more like a zombie than most dates, go home.
31. (Thanks to abba315 ) If, for whatever reason, you end up in a mansion in the middle of the woods and people are randomly getting murdered, don't waste your time with trying to find the culprit. It is the butler. It is always the butler.
32. Never EVER say "I'll be right back." You won't be.