FINAL CHAPTER UP NOW! IM KINDA GLAD ITS ALL OVER! HOPE YOU ENJOY!


What is Life? Living? Happiness?

It's all relative.

He had promised me he would never leave me. He lied. It was the spring, and my world had ended.

But my heart was still intact, it hurt, god did it hurt, but it was nowhere near the pain I felt when you had left. Never that bad.

You approached me one day; I sat alone on the bench, and tried to talk to me. As I looked at you I asked myself, what's the worst that could happen? Because I was over you, so over you.

And we did talk for a while, I wouldn't let you see my pain wouldn't let you see me suffer, and you seemed patient to wait.

I had thinking of you again, for you seemed so eager. So happy, so perfect.

But it was from her that I found out the truth, you had said you didn't love her, and I held her as she cried. But her pain was nowhere near mine. What did you want if not her? If not the perfection that she was?

My heart shuddered as realization hit me, I still wanted you, but deep down I had known that all along.

In you I saw the boy who stole my heart, I wanted to fix the pieces that still lay broken. I wanted to find the little boy with the goofy glasses and the crooked grin,

I wanted a miracle.

You apologized, you regretted what you did. Your reason? Fear.

I gave you a chance, but I didn't trust you, I would never trust you again.

It was never constant, but it was enough, I was content.

We would have silly discussions, topics only we could enjoy, topics that only we understood.

And then I saw you, with her, she was glued to your arm; talking, giggling, I think for a time I lost my mind.

I gave you hell, gone was the scared girl, the desperation, because I wanted you to prove you care, prove you were worth it, worth me. It was the most courage that I had ever shown you. I wasn't going to let you break me like this again. And as I ranted and raved, you listened and tried to explain, I wouldn't let you, I told you to choose.

But as I said the words, I could feel the pieces of my heart, so newly glued, tear at the mere thought of you leaving me for her. I knew I wouldn't be able to take that pain.

You chose me.

She hasn't spoken a word to me since. I will never know what you said to her, I never had the nerve to ask.

We had a date, a real date. You came over, we watched a movie.

We kissed. Small, innocent little kisses, your arms held me as I lay against your chest.

You heart beat in my ear. My lips pressed to your neck, and I felt the rhythm of your heart speed up.

Completion, this was right, oh so right.

School ended soon. We had so much planned. So many things to do, such high expectations.

I knew you would not ask me out, and that was alright with me, I didn't need you too. Because I knew, and they knew, we were as we were meant to be, together.

I almost lost you then, we had a fight, a big one. To this day I don't know the reason I lost my temper, I was so mad, so hurt, however you were my opposite, you avoided conflicts, and you left me, waiting for what? Till I calmed down?

But we made it through, we survived it, and we continued.

It was a summer dance, we planned to meet there, and we did.

You smelled of liquor, of cigarette smoke, and you didn't seem to understand why I was so mad, I couldn't stand to be near you, how could you do this to me? But how could you know? Know that those two things, two killers, had taken so many people from me? So many loved ones.

That night I watched as you lost yourself to the drugs, the marijuana, and my heart so newly mended cried, the tears leaking own my cheeks.

I wonder still if I could have saved you. If I had stayed with you, if I had explained, would we have met such a fate?

We didn't talk for a month.

I don't know who crawled back first, but soon we were together again, it was an addiction that we suffered from, we could not seem to let each other go.

But things were tough, unsteady, your words seem guarded, as not to hurt me. But so were mine, I didn't mention the drugs I knew you took, or the smell of alcohol on your breath, we lived in ignorance, a delusional bliss.

And then there were times that I didn't care about any of your problems, or mine, because you mouth would take my lips, your hands would roam my body, and I would hold you close. Losing all ability to think. I would pull you close to me never wanting to let you go. Wanting to take you inside me, feel your warmth surround me.

It was exhilarating, the suspense, we could get caught at any moment, but I didn't care, your harsh breathing in my ear was all I needed, your mark on my neck…

You never kept your date, we were meant to go to the movies, you never picked me up.

It was a week before school started again. I couldn't take the uncertainty anymore, did you want me? Of course you did! But why would you not say it? All I wanted, all I ever wanted was for you to look at me, to whisper in my ear "you are mine." And mean it.

What are we? I wanted to hear your answer, wanted that miracle.

That was the day we ended, that everything I had worked for, all those years went to waste.

That was the day I knew I didn't need you.

Your words will forever ring in my ears, I'm not looking for a relationship right now. What had we been then? Tears leaked down my face, body quaking sobs plagued me.

I haven't spoken to you since that faithful August day.

The day that my heart, as shriveled and broke, as cold and dead as it was, was crushed under the heal of your boot, for your words had confirmed it in my mind, we would never be.

The perfection we could have achieved was gone, you were gone.

I watch now as the drugs rack your body, you look so pail, and I can't help but feel sorry for you, and as the months pass, my anger fades for I no longer feel the fury that I did, the crippling rage towards you and all you had done.

Because I had let myself believe that you cared, that maybe deep down you felt half of what I did. And on some nights, I can't help but wonder, how long did you wait? Expecting me to comeback as I had before? Did you miss me? Even a little?

I accepted long ago that I would always love you, some part of my heart would still see that little boy, with the glasses and the crooked grin. But now I also see what you let yourself become, you lost yourself, and I could not save you.

You have a new girl now, I hope you're happy, and I hope she can save you when I couldn't.

My heart mends , the process is slow, but I know that someday soon I will be able to move on, and open a new chapter, full of more trials, more trials of the heart.


So? what do you think? Hmmmm? review please!!

-Shealy