Okay, so... This was an old English assignment, but I loved it so much for the amount of sarcasm I was able to put into it. Also, Romeo and Juliet is my least favorite of Shakespeare's plays, so I had a grand time making this parody (Freshman year).


Romeo and Juliet Alternate Ending

The message had just been delivered to Romeo about Juliet and Friar Laurence's brilliant plan of the fake death. Romeo was indeed fortunate, because almost immediately afterward, the usually distressing news of her death would have caused him to do something highly irrational or stupid, only to realize he had done it for no reason at all. As he marveled at his luck, he headed back to sweep Juliet off her feet, and away from the hateful feud of Montague and Capulet.

Once at the tomb, Romeo waited by Juliet's side for the potion to wear off. Suddenly, an intruder entered the tomb to visit the "dead" Juliet. He bravely proposed a fight, but Romeo explained that fighting made him nauseous, and the last time he fought, he had killed someone and lost the favor of the family of his beloved one. This highly relevant explanation made sense to the man, and so instead of fighting, he went to inform Capulet of Romeo's disturbing visit.

While this was happening, Juliet wiped her sleepy eyes and looked up into the face of her lover, for whom she had gone to all this trouble to "die." Romeo informed her of the intruder, and how her family would soon find out about their mischievous scheme, and so they decided to leave and booby trap the tomb, so it would seem that Romeo inflicted this curse upon Juliet's body before leaving, thus protecting Juliet's "death" and Romeo's identity, and revealing none of their impulsive and disconcerting lies.

And so the happily reunited couple left the land to live a new and carefree life in which they could dwell in each other's infantile thoughts and incredibly thoughtless loveā€”if that's indeed what it was. They found a small cottage to live in and raised one child who they named Ludwig. Their lives were now simpler than their old ones, which led to a number of emotionally scarring fights for the small child, and eventually decided it would be best to get a divorce.

The house, child, property, and everything else they had owned were now in the possession of Juliet, or "Jezebel" (she had gotten a job as an exotic dancer to relieve stress when she was fourteen and make extra money for the baby). Romeo was kicked out and forced to live on the streets. He often raided people's houses in order to get food and clothing. In the end, he decided to attempt suicide with some poorly brewed poison he had stolen (he failed and is now in the care of a well-known hospital).

Little did the star-crossed lovers know, but the booby trap in the tomb hadn't worked at all. Lord Capulet and eventually Montague learned of their children's deceit and foolishness and decided to put their differences aside in the sake of parenting. Montague had said, "These new-aged kids! They think they know what love is, they rebel, and they have no discipline whatsoever! Something must be done!"

In light of these words, the newly allied parents searched out their children for two years, until they found traces of Romeo's street life. They visited him in the hospital eventually, and scolded him for all the things he had done. Capulet decided that the guilt was enough punishment (especially since Juliet and his relationship hadn't worked out). Montague, however, liked the drama and consequently murdered him in his sleep using a large knife with Juliet's fingerprints (it was the very same one Juliet was going to use to kill herself in the tomb). The authorities found out what happened and arrested a bewildered Juliet. She kept screaming, "What ulterior motive???"

Later, Ludwig was sent to live with Capulet, and Montague secretly became a psychotic murderer due to the beginning of an addiction he had started. Years later, in modern society, it is known that he had a condition called "Antisocial Personality Disorder," making him a dangerous sociopath who was active for years and was never caught. Ludwig, thankfully, was much smarter than his parents and became a renowned philosopher who was later persecuted for his beliefs.

THE END