This was one of those random writing urges I get from around 1-4 in the morning. Imagine that... I dislike writing essays in a structured setting where it actually counts towards my future, but I'll spit these out if I feel like it in the wee hours.


I have finally realized the reason for my great appeal towards acting. The roots are in my obsession with Psychology. Acting is, in all its basics, just psychology and imitation. If you observe something for long enough, in all theory, shouldn't you have the experience and knowledge to imitate it?

I admit, mimicry and acting have always been something that I have enjoyed and been rather good at. But it seemed like an unreasonable dream to aspire to. I thought that there was no possible way to get fulfillment out of nesting in another person's fictional psyche.

Holding the opinion I do of myself, I thought pursuing such a career would be a waste of my skills. Perhaps it would be better to go into a more analytical or scientific field that would better suit this world? My mistake here, was that I felt obligated to put my talents and abilities to something that I thought, at the time, was more logical. I have discovered that the things that you have no passion for--even if you are exceptionally skilled at--will be worthless, and thus unenjoyable. Thinking of how it will better others, or how it will seem more fitting is irrelevent. For example, I excel at Algebra. There is nothing simpler and more satisfying than solving an equation with knowledge and ease. Balancing out problem after problem, I realized that math was not my passion. It is dead in me. I would not go home and think about numbers, or how to solve a rather tricky equation. In fact, I would find it quite dull and necessary, despite its simplistic satisfaction. Though the evidence indicates otherwise: advanced placement, winning second in a pi memorization contest, organizing and thoerizing, it was still nothing. Edging closer and closer to Ayn Rand's philosophies, I see no happiness in the route I was considering before this epiphany. Passion is everything. Once you find it, you will thirst for it... And it is unquenchable.

What have I come to realize my passions are? Well, simply knowledge, ideas and creativity. Those who cannot create find pleasure in destruction. Such behavior can be considered ignorant and childish. I do not wholeheartedly believe this though, for destruction can be a form of creation; I only mean that it is easier to destroy than to create--and it is human nature to pick the easy route. I, in fact, find that chaos can sometimes be healthy and amusing. And there is much to be learned from chaos in a controlled environment--if that contradiction makes any sense.

A subcategory of my most basic drives is psychology, of course. I greatly enjoy studying the causes and effects of human behavior. Sometimes I find myself watching people, calculating their movements, observing how they react, and why they do so--studying why they are the way they are. Even if I am completely repulsed by a person, if I find them interesting, my mind automatically commences the study. Abnormalities and variables in the mind are of particular interest, because people with these traits tend to have different, if not predictable, reactions as well. Why is a sociopath unable to connect with other humans emotionally, and why is their disregard for structure so animate? Why does an autistic person's brain function so off-balance to what could be considered "normal" (if there is such a thing), making their intelligence factor leap, and their social factor plummet? And why do dominantly global people typically use their left hand? There are answers to these fascinating questions, but not completely satisfying and solid ones. Studies have been conducted, and people with the passion of exploring the mind have undoubtedly uncovered a part of the labyrinth that is the brain. Though I conduct similar but smaller studies daily (which are probably meaningless since they are basic and likely already studied), I am really training myself to uncover more in the future, when I can actually take a class on such things (or at least find a book!).

Even realizing my passion for Psychology, I thought I was still nowhere near deciding my career. In fact, I am only a bit closer than I was. But who knows if it will veer off again? Throughout the years I have considered being an architect, a lawyer, the president, an interior designer, a computer technician, an accountant, a teacher, a videogame designer (and later, specifically, something similar to Tetsuya Nomura's job), a web designer, a model, a journalist, an author, a graphic artist, a painter, a script writer, a film director, an editor, a musician, a theoretical scientist, a biochemist, a surgeon, a psychiatrist, a counselor, a psychologist, and an actor...

Acting is, essentially, just applied psychology. Once assigned a character, you look over a script, decide the circumstances, and create a psyche of your own. Your job is to convincingly portray this person you have created, using predictable human emotions and reactions, so that the audience can connect with your character, and find him/her interesting. If you convince your audience that your character is real, you have obviously delved into the human psyche successfully. Adding interesting variables and outword ticks that mirror what your character is thinking, is what makes your character unique. This is why acting is an art. You must create. You must create a psyche, movement, and speech. Even the script writers are master story-tellers. All involved in the world of acting is purely creativity. Cinematography (which I admire and am also curious about) and live theater (perhaps more challenging realistic because of the lack of a second chance on stage) are completely different forms of expression as well. It's all beauty to me. In this particular passion, psychology, the study of the human psyche, would be the analytical part, and the applied part would be the creativity. See. Both sides of my brain are satisfied.

Acting is also another way to impact others. I sometimes use it to express the humor in the predictability and outright illogical reactions that humans tend to practice. I don't exclude myself from this, however. Though I watch from afar, marvelling and ridiculing what makes someone human, I still somewhat acknowledge that I am a person (perhaps I'm finally stepping off of my narcissistic pedestal?). My own actions amuse me. I do taylor them and train them to my will, but I still fall to basic human instinct. Though I strive for idealism, I do not expect to be perfect (Thank you for your lovely study, Benjamin Franklin).

And finally, another inspiring leap into why acting is so appealing to me right now, is probably my drama teacher. She has told me something along the lines of: when I tapped into my source, she sees endless potential. Admiration from someone that I look up to and greatly respect must have impacted me as well. That, and I made her cry during my last sketch... I got extra points.

She purchased a book on all you need to know about getting into the acting business. When I first spotted that book, innocently flaunting its flashy colors, I got the first real thought in my head about making something as fun as acting something that I actually pursued... I thought for the first time, perhaps it wasn't a waste. Even though I have yet to read that bright yellow and red book, it spawned the usual string of fantasies and possibilites, pros and cons, and well... Perhaps the pros were in favor this time.

I'm now inspired to put up a list of people that I admire.