This is a love story, short and simple. It's in the position of a girl longing for a guy who happens to be a good friend, and such. I hope you enjoy, and reviews would be nice. :p
It is his smile. It is the way he looks at me when I turn to him. It is how his eyes shine, his lips curve upward, and there is a radiance flowing from him to me, making my heart stop and my brain shut down. When he looks at me I know everything in the world is going to be okay; because nothing can go wrong when he's standing directly in front of me, gaze wide and searching. I can feel the weight of the world fall from my shoulders, a sense I've known all my life finally taking leave. Everything but our emotions, raw feelings that course through my veins and his, filters out of existence. As we stand there, we are lost in a world of our own. All we need is one another.
All we need is this.
The feeling that pulses in my blood causes me to flush red. His eyes do this to me, and I don't know whether it is good or bad. The sweet tingles in my body take over, flooding every corner, every curve. They lay claim on every part of my being, possessively wrapping and holding on tight, to give me a rush of adrenaline like none other. I take walks with the express optimism that he'll come around the corner and peer into my soul. This feeling, this completely, irrationally hopeless feeling, has taken control of me. I crave it as an addiction, wanting him to be there always, wanting him.
It's a magnetic pull that rivals gravity in force. Being in a room together is often a curse for both of us. In a span of five minutes, we have stolen glances at least fifteen times. Sometimes he's looking when I am looking, and there it is again. That smile that could sink a thousand ships is directed at me. The tingles make my face explode in color. Everything from my nose all the way down to my toes heats up, all manipulated and consumed by these tingles. I want it to stop, even if just for a fleeting second so I can remember to breathe; but it won't. It never stops when he's here with me. I find I must smile, because then he will feel the tingles too. In my mind, if I smile he knows that I care, that I love him, and the tingles will have somehow spread to him, creating a web to keep us connected forever. In my mind I imagine he loves me back.
I've grown accustomed to having his eyes on me. There's a slight, heavy feeling in my gut when I sense it, which somehow makes me smile. I don't want to be addicted to him, but I am long past the point of no return. I actively search, long, and wish for him. I desire to hold him near and can't escape the happiness of such a dream. When my thoughts sprint for reality it's hard for me to breathe, air simply not obtainable. My lungs expand and fill with the tingles instead, suffocating me from the inside. Perhaps I overreact, but I swear his influence on my heart seeps into other parts of me, making it impossible to feel as though I am still myself. My body shuts down for him, ceasing to function at the barest flash of his smile. I'm fearful of what would happen if he were to ever touch me; maybe I would fall dead, because if a smile alone can cause so many reactions, what might a brush of his fingertips do? His touch, his kiss… I cannot even begin to imagine.
He has a girlfriend, and I am unashamed to admit that the mere fact tears at me, causing boundless pain. I watch them from time to time; I can't help myself. I see the way he stares at her, and feel betrayed because I want those eyes back on me. He wasn't ever mine to begin with so the emotion is inaccurate, but I am never logical when I think of him. I love him. To watch him love someone else, to know that there is another girl he holds, kisses, and keeps close to his unattainable heart…it hurts. I just want to close my eyes and fall into obscurity, letting darkness nestle me and hold me close like he holds her so I can hide from the world around me.
For the sweet tingles of love and pain have infiltrated my heart and I know I am going to go insane. Knowing that I'll never have him is shredding me, creating holes that even the tingles can't fill. They start out small, growing deeper and deeper and deeper until the pain is impossible to forget. If only I had stopped when I still had the chance to move on, when I still had the chance to remove this feeling. There was no stopping once the tingles were mine.
It's a dull ache; it started in the pit of my stomach, growing until causing so much physical and emotional pain that I had to curl up and block out life for hours. I knew I was causing it, that it was all my fault, but all I could do was cry. I felt so lost then, as the world was crumbling around me and he wasn't ever going to be there to help. He had someone for himself and there I was, falling for someone beyond my reach. How selfishly stupid it was of me, to love a heart that was already gifted to another. Surely I was losing my mind, but I still felt I could get over him, if only I had the strength to stay away.
Have you ever met two people who, when together, make everyone else in a room happy? That is who he and I are. When we share a simple conversation the world seems to feed off of us, taking our joy into other hearts and souls. We are two people that just click; there's such chemistry that it makes every living soul around us cheerful. I'm sure that if there is ever a wilting flower next to us it will perk up when we glance at one another. That's how much he means to me, how much I mean to him. I know I am not the only one to have noticed, for he encourages the relationship we have built. He is the cause of this turmoil in my heart, and I can't hate him for it. If only I could.
But in the end, I wasn't designed to hate him. I was designed to love him, to accept all the pain weighing down on me. In a collapsing world I know that this is where I am supposed to stand; in the middle, knowing that the man I look out at will never touch me, that I'll never know what his affection feels like, or to be in his arms and kiss him senseless.
Because it's evident I was designed to be broken.
I still wake every morning and force myself to class. Seeing him is as agonizing as it is wonderful, for his smile not only makes the holes wider, it causes my heart to flutter. Maybe, if I look at him long enough, the emptiness will grow so big that it will swallow me completely. I'll stop feeling, stop loving then.
For now I must sit and watch as my heart breaks and cracks.