Hihi! It's me! Sorry for the infrequent update. i've been...busy. Oh yeah, also i've title Chapters after song lyrics i was listening to. Ch. 1 was from something from RENT tthe musical. i donts remember. this one is from Missing by Evanescence. Ignore all spelling mistakes please. everyone makes them. Please enjoy the chapter!!!!!


Ch.2 Please, Please Forgive Me

I of course knew what I was doing was stupid. For a slight second I let emotion rule me. For a second logic was nothing and the pain was everything. And I knew I couldn't let it happen again, or I'd be dead.

It was about noon when I had finally and completely calmed down. The only thing that even symbolized I had just suffered by far the worst thing in my life were those three, slightly bleeding cuts on my left arm. And that was it. If gathered everything I had, throwing a jacket on and soon enough I was out of that hotel.

It wasn't like my life was terrible before that; in fact pain was in my past.

My mother was…screwed up in the head, so I lived with my Uncle Ben. Ben had to work a lot, so we didn't spend much time together. At school I had friends, who knew nothing of Liam. They were those type of people who could really care less who you dated, but they didn't want to know. Things apart from Liam were okay, but who exactly could I turn to for this? I didn't have any money for therapy or anything and I begun to think "Is it really even that serious? I mean, everyone goes through a tough time like this." I begun to tell myself everything was fine as long as I didn't freak out like that again. Everything would be fine.

But as I walked back to Ben's apartment I found myself using my index finger to trace the three little cuts numerous times.

I knew I couldn't let anyone know, and I knew that I wouldn't react so stupidly to a minor problem. That it was nothing. But that moment of pain, the memory made me cringe.

I got inside the apartment and found no one home as usual. Ben was a pilot and was barely home, but always made sure I had money to do everything, and even some money just to have. But I so suddenly needed emotional support from someone. Anyone. But who?

***

"Wolf, just eat it!" Eli stood behind me.

Eli was the final member of the group and was voted most likely to commit mass murder. And he scared me.

I began shoveling the salad into my mouth. Eli walked around and sat across from me, sighing and dropping his head into his hand.

"Bad day?" Alex was always the first person to try and cheer you up.

"Terrible. I got paired up with the captain idiot of the football team to do a report or something. I was too livid to actually listen to the teacher."

"Do you-"

"No I don't need a hug, Alex. By the way, Shorty, what were you just thinking about?"

"Nothing," I shoveled more of the salad into my mouth.

"Liar. I've known you for a while now and you still think you can lie to me. Funny. Now tell me."

"Liam,"

Eli suddenly stood, "What the hell!? You're still thinking about that jackass!? God, I wish I knew where he was so I could kill him."

I swallowed my salad and looked at Alex. He looked back at me and smiled, wrapping one arm around me.

"Calm down Eli, he's already scared enough.

"Sorry," Eli sat back down, "I don't want to hear another word about that insensitive prick," he pointed at me.

I just nodded, "What about Ben?"

Levi suddenly grabbed a handful of my hair, "I swear to the non-existent god that if you say it's your fault I will punch you."

"Owowowowow," I slightly whimpered.

"Oh, sorry I didn't mean to-uhm- grab your hair that hard."

"God," Alex wrapped his arm around me again, "You guys are so hard on him. Cool it."

Eli sighed, thumping his head on the table letting his black bangs touch the table, "Whatever."

Alex was known for sticking up for me in whatever mess I managed to get myself into. He even beat up some kid once…with Levi and Eli's help though. Bentley was off to the side checking me for any and all injuries.

***

"Ben?" I had decided on calling him and leaving a message, "Hey, it's me, Wolf. Listen I'm kinda in a-uh-tough situation right now and it would mean a lot if you could come home. Thanks, bye," and I pressed the end button.

The phone rang only a few minutes later.

"Wolf? What's wrong? What happened?"

"Hi Ben. W-well you know my tutor, Liam?"

"Wolf, what happened."

"U-uhm…well we were…kinda…going out and…he…he tried to make me have sex with him…but when I wouldn't cooperate he…he said…" I felt my heart drop as I tried to remember it, "God Ben I need help. I did something wrong…I cut myself."

All I could hear was Ben's breathing on the other line.

"Wolf…are you serious,"

"Y-es"

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Distract yourself with something until I get there. See ya soon Wolf."

"Y-you too."

I heard the other line go dead and I dropped my head, "Damnit. What happened to 'I'm not gonna tell anyone'? I'm such an idiot."

And all I could do was wait.

***

"Terrible news this morning," I woke with a jerk.

I had fallen asleep that night on the couch while watching some old war movie. The morning news was on.

"There has been a plane crash. It was a private jet, but sadly one person has died. It turns out that one of the pilots had been in a rush to get somewhere. Maybe home. The body has been identified as Mr. Benjamin Reno of Ohio. He was thirty-five years old and…"

"Please tell me I heard that wrong."

"The last person to see him alive was his co-pilot, Mr. Michael Wheet, who said he has in a rush to get home and see his nephew. I would hate to be the person who has to give the child the bad news…"

"Ben…" I dropped back onto the couch, "It's my fault…Ben…"

Would could I say? How do you describe a death that you caused? It was this sharp pang of guilt just beginning to eat at me, along with the overwhelming sadness.

Without even realizing it, I had begun to cry. I was just staring at the ceiling, unable to comprehend what had happened. It was like everything had just stopped.

How do you describe the overwhelming feeling of emptiness? Describing death: are there even words to do so?

I'd always guessed it was something you had to go through to truly understand. I remember when my friends mom died and Ben and I went to their house. My friend was just blank. And I know the 'I'm sorry' that a gave didn't help at all.

And I knew every 'I'm sorry' I got wouldn't do a single thing.

Death: it's also a feeling of 'why'. Why did that person die? What did they do? Just why.

I don't know how long I just lay on that couch, but soon enough people were knocking on my door.

What do you want a person to say to you when you've lost someone? What are you supposed to say to them? And how the hell was I supposed to handle everything?

A lot of people brought food over. It was mostly Ben's friends, but a few people from my school had come too.

How do you describe death? Because it's more than sadness.

As the night began to settle I became aware of my need for food.

"Liam…"

Everything. Everything in my life was just turning into a living hell. Liam never loved me. Ugly. Fat. Repulsive. Better off dead.

And then it struck me: my mother was my only other living relative.

Hell. Utter complete and total hell.

And that's when I did it. I ran into my bathroom and began drinking anything I could get my hands on.