Sometimes i kinda wish i had forever.
Wish that it was really out there.
Mostly i read books,
am happy for them,
but never really apply to my own life.

and i kinda hate that i am now.

it's a hopeless wish,
a hopeless dream,

-because i know it'll never happen,
...but i still can think right?

what would you do if you had forever?

this is where all this came from.

i had never really contemplated it.

maybe that was my fault.

But now,

---so much.

i knew i would accomplish what i could
-unknowingly accepted mortality.
i never thought of more,
and now i wish i kinda hadn't.

because now i

Death scares me.
it's true.
but i never thought to defy it.
or even wanted to defy it.

But so many possibilities.
i could learn so much.
take all the time i needed.

Everything i've ever wanted to do,
would be mine,
i could learn,

but then i wonder

i hate loneliness.


Who would i share it with?
Could i share it with anybody?

i've never been one to isolate myself.
it's happened once or twice though.

it wasn't happy.
it has been horrible.
i was never numb.
i couldn't be.
sometimes i wish i was.

i make friends with regular people.
i don't isolate myself.
then what?
watch them as they slowly die?

i would make new friends in a new life?
how would i ever find people who would accept me?
---i might be lonelier than ever---

that might kill me.

but what if then i couldn't die?


a hopeless thing.

that is.
i never wanted.
-except now.

may 22, 2009