Sometimes i kinda wish i had forever.
Wish that it was really out there.
Mostly i read books,
am happy for them,
but never really apply to my own life.
and i kinda hate that i am now.
it's a hopeless wish,
a hopeless dream,
-because i know it'll never happen,
...but i still can think right?
what would you do if you had forever?
this is where all this came from.
i had never really contemplated it.
maybe that was my fault.
i knew i would accomplish what i could
-unknowingly accepted mortality.
i never thought of more,
and now i wish i kinda hadn't.
because now i
Death scares me.
but i never thought to defy it.
or even wanted to defy it.
But so many possibilities.
i could learn so much.
take all the time i needed.
Everything i've ever wanted to do,
would be mine,
i could learn,
but then i wonder
i hate loneliness.
Who would i share it with?
Could i share it with anybody?
i've never been one to isolate myself.
it's happened once or twice though.
it wasn't happy.
it has been horrible.
i was never numb.
i couldn't be.
sometimes i wish i was.
i make friends with regular people.
i don't isolate myself.
watch them as they slowly die?
i would make new friends in a new life?
how would i ever find people who would accept me?
---i might be lonelier than ever---
that might kill me.
but what if then i couldn't die?
a hopeless thing.
i never wanted.
may 22, 2009