isolation. pain. refusal.
of everything. anything.
is so easy to write.
-so hard to feel.

why is it so beautiful?
why you do cry,
why do you want to go through that

same

beautiful

pain

when you've tried and it hurts too much and it's too tiring to keep up so you give up.

wishy-washy.
it's a weird word.
it's what i [deny] i am.

sometimes i just want to feel.
but then i get confused, because..
what i want to feel is numb.

i want to know i've felt something so extreme,
i want to know i meant something,

i want to feel like i've been left behind?

ihateitihateit.

everything. i do.

sometimes i think that i've been through too much and that no one should have to know that same way --then i think no one understands so they should all feel the pain that i've been subjected to- then -

i wish i could stop wishing empty words. they were meaningless either way.

i actually kinda want to fly.

it just seems like that's all i ever do. just wish and wish and wish, when i know i'm all alone. it's been long and it hasn't lasted and i wish it would [at times] but then all i want it to feel is whole again

june 23 2009