Hurt Me Again
A/N: I trap the people that I love in my own little prison cell, throwing away the key. Sometimes, though, I don't throw the key far enough and they're able to reach it. Ever since she left me, I've been like this.
I spoil the people that I love. That is how I am selfish. I make it so that the people I love, even if my love is one-sided, are in debt to me. I trap the people that I love in my own little prison cell, throwing away the key. Sometimes, though, I don't throw the key far enough and they're able to reach it.
I am a selfish human being, I know that. I share my candies with other children, lend pencils without expecting to get them back, and I open doors for old ladies. But I hate sharing the people I love and hold close to my heart. If sharing someone I care about happens- I cut them off completely. I unlock their cell and let them walk free.
I sulk about the lost, but in the end I still have plenty of people in debt to me.
I need these people- these people that I buy gifts for, lend money freely, shower with praise and affection.
Ever since she left me, I've been like this.
I woke up with the sun streaming into my apartment. I had fallen asleep in the living, on top of my lumpy old couch. I sighed heavily, rolling off of the couch and onto the floor. I was tangled up in a thin blanket that I usually kept for unwanted visitors.
I wondered when I had become the unwanted visitor in my own home. My apartment still looked the same, all except for the closed bedroom door. When I had slept in my bedroom, I had never closed the door. It was just too much trouble to put in a little effort and push it close. Now, for the past two weeks, my bedroom door closes at night. It isn't slammed shut, but simply pushed quietly until the lock works.
My friend was sleeping in my bedroom. She'd been there for the past two weeks, exactly. Her name was Shannon, and she had fallen in love with her real roommate. I was jealous, of course, but I had offered her refugee in my apartment. Now, I had the beautiful Shannon living in my apartment.
At first, we agreed she would stay for only two weeks. Now that those two weeks were up, I wasn't sure if she was leaving or not. She hadn't packed the night before, and we had made plans to spend the day together. Is it the blossoming of a possible more-than-friends relationship with Shannon? No. Shannon saw me as nothing more than a brother complex, and I had accepted that after our first year of college together. It's okay to linger on hope though.
I gathered my thin blanket into a ball and threw it onto the couch, deciding that I was too lazy this morning to pick up after myself. Shannon was still sound asleep in my bedroom. It was eight o'clock in the morning and I was making breakfast for a girl I wanted out of my bedroom. That made it sound like I had slept with her- which wasn't the case.
Although, if it had been the case, I wouldn't want to chase her out. Probably.
I made breakfast for Shannon everyday and told her not to do the dishes or clean the apartment.
"Just look after yourself," I had said. Was I stupid?
Yes. I wanted her to feel at home, welcomed, and a little spoiled. Shannon was- is- a very important friend to me. I don't let my friends do anything but bask in the warm glow of happiness. That's all I want for my friends.
Some say that's an unselfish thing to say. To me, because I know better, it's a very selfish thing.
These two weeks mean that Shannon will never forget that I was there when she needed help. Shannon will remember my kindness, and because of that she will continue to cherish our friendship. And that is all I want. Someone to cherish me- to value their friendship with me- and think me worthwhile. I just want the approval of my friends because I'd been torn up by a single lover.
"All you do is spoil the people you love. Try giving them SPACE," Amanda had shouted. She was packing her things and I could only numbly watch her. The bedroom door in my apartment was wide open, but it was also what was separating us. I stood in the hallway while she threw her things into my duffle bag. "If I meant so much to you- mean so much to you- you'd let me spread my wings a little."
"David, I can't let you spoil me. If we want things to work out- if you want to keep me- you have to let me suffer a little bit, too."