It was 10 PM on a Sunday night in the middle of October when I realized that Wikipedia was, in fact, a living organism. I had heard the stories, and even had a few to share myself, but it was always just one of those things you mentioned off hand to get a quick laugh or a clever lead in to a fun quip or comment. It was this night, though, when it just kind of struck me out of the blue.
"Jeany, did you know that Mork and Mindy was a spin-off of Happy Days?"
The girl looked up slowly from her book, obviously very interested in the subject material. I didn't understand how. Firstly, it was a textbook, and that should be a good tip-off right there. Moreover, though, it was a Physics textbook. Whatever you could find in there that could actually keep you enthralled was beyond me. Still, she did manage to tear her attention away just long enough to mutter, "And what exactly does that have to do with Sheep?"
Her eyes drifted back down to her book, and mine travelled back to the screen. That was the moment. It was then that my mind pondered how on Earth I could have ended up on the page for Mork and Mindy while researching Sheep on Wikipedia. How does that even ever meet up? Was it the twelve degrees of separation? I didn't even understand what those two could have possibly had in common in any way. But yeah, there I was.
Of course, getting off track was simple when you were researching Sheep, off all things. I wanted to curse God, or my luck, or even the guidance councilors, but I couldn't. Some big part of me knew that the situation I was in was my own fault. And I wasn't going to accept a W.
Animal Husbandry. If you didn't know what it was, you probably thought the exact same thing I did when you read it. Yeah, I'm a teenage boy. I deserve to have a dirty mind. The first thing that popped into my head was good ole' Bessie mounting her nearest bosom buddy and making like the bunnies. Honestly, as disturbing as that was, I was starting to wish, on a near daily basis, that Animal Husbandry really was about Bestiality. Anything was better than what I was looking up right now. Anything.
I signed on in the class as a joke to my friends. I had a free period in my schedule that was just begging to be filled, and I, offhandedly, mind you, commented to my friends about how exciting taking an Animal Husbandry course would be, especially considering it fit my schedule like a glove. Anyone over the age of 5 understands the concepts of peer pressure and mob dynamics, and doesn't really need explaining on what followed. This led to what was possibly the worst decision of my life, competing closely with cutting all my grandma's hair off when I was eight.
Prof. Stinton was arguably the most unique man I had ever been graced with meeting. In a bad way. I think. The fact was, the man was insane. He insisted that his students call him by his first name. His first name was Ducky. Yep. Ducky Stinton. We all joked that his career path was set the instant his parents named him after an animal. Some of us actually wondered how true that was. Anyway, you can only imagine what having to refer to the man, who was supposed to be teaching you about, well, animal raising or whatever, as Ducky was a wee bit demoralizing. As if we needed, as a class, to be any more demoralized.
Also, the man was obsessed with livestock. Goes with the trade, I guess, but this seemed excessive. The only thing I really need to tell you is that he has a framed picture of a pig posted on the wall behind his desk. It wasn't even doing anything besides standing there, being a pig. One of the kids in class, Albert, asked if "Ducky" somehow knew this pig. He didn't.
Saying anything in Ducky's class was a terrifying thing. Not because you didn't know shit about what you were saying and were afraid of being wrong, but, in fact, it was that you were afraid of somehow shooting in the blue and being right. You never wanted to have the right answer in Ducky's class, because that meant he pulled out the Pez. It was a little Cow Pez Dispenser, and whenever you were right he'd walk over and let you pull out one of the Pez from the thing's open mouth. He always stocked it with strawberry. Eventually we named the pulling of the pink Pez from the cow's mouth Bessie Barf. We were proud of ourselves, even though it was kinda stupid.
Nobody in class really liked being treated like a four year old, to no great shock. When I finally was moving up to college, I was expecting the big leagues. Ducky's class was far from the big leagues. Sure, my other classes were all pretty cool, and they had some pretty awesome Professors, but in the back of my mind, there was always Ducky, holding out the Bessie Barf. It was really a hard image to break, all things considered.
And that was how I ended up sitting in my room at 10 PM on a Sunday night reading random facts about Mork and Mindy, which I had never seen before in my life and only knew about in the single fact that Robin Williams was in it, instead of reading up stupid facts about Sheep for a report that was due on Tuesday. You could tell how dedicated I was to the research given that I was on Wikipedia in the first place. Anybody who honestly, deep in their hearts, believes Wikipedia's a good source for information when writing a research paper probably shouldn't be far enough in any sort of formal education to write one.
I right-clicked the back button on my browser, and found myself staring at the pages I had shuffled through. Some examples stood out in my mind, including, but not limited to: Batman, Polytheism, kangaroos, A Fish Called Wanda, James Bond, and sodomy. There were a good seventeen pages before I finally got back to Sheep. Wikipedia honestly scared me at that moment.
I heard shuffling from my bed and looked back over at Jeany. She obviously was finished with being fascinated by Physics for the moment, and finally decided to pay me some attention. It was about damn time, too, considered the girl had showed up almost three hours ago, out of the blue, and started doing her homework almost right away.
"Will, can you even tell me one fact about sheep that the average human being wouldn't know?"
I had anticipated such a question, knowing my girlfriend so well, and at the beginning of the research I had found an answer for just such a question. It was probably the only thing I remembered from where I read before the magic of Batman drew me in.
"A sheep's wool is the most widely used of any animal, and is usually harvested by shearing."
I had a cocky smile on my face as I answered Jeany, having proven to her that I had apparently been doing some honest research. She looked surprised for a moment, and I was sure my smile got a little wider. It wasn't often I actually managed to trick her in one of these situations, with myself not ending up looking like a huge idiot who was wasting all of his time instead of doing something productive. After a second, though, she threw out another question.
"How about this? If I walk over to your computer and read that Wikipedia article on sheep, will I find that information conveniently located within the first two paragraphs?"
I glanced back for a moment at the computer, and scanned through the words. Would I have honestly been stupid enough to get my fact from the first couple of paragraphs, and not even go below the intro section? As my eyes scanned across the second paragraph, I knew my answer. There was the very sentence I had said, word for word. I knew I wasn't going to get out of this, so I attempted something stupid and irrational, as usual.
"You're not my mom, Jeany. You can't just boss me around."
Yeah, it was a clever deflection and finger pointing exercise that I probably used in far too many ways. My mind somehow hadn't gotten to the point yet where it realized that doing so actually usually ended up in me getting into bigger piles of shit.
"You're right, Will, I'm not your mother. But I care about you, and it's obvious you aren't doing what you should be doing right now. You're supposed to be doing some report on sheep, so why don't you actually do your damn report on sheep and get it the hell over with?"
Jeany was in debate-mode, and if I didn't say something smart, I wasn't going to get out of this little scrap scot-free. Naturally, though, I just said the first thing that comes to mind.
"It isn't my fault that I can't focus when you're sitting right there!"
Yeah, I was fairly aware that it didn't make sense. The only way I was going to play that off is if I was going to throw out the excuse to where she excites me so much that all the blood rushes southward. I thought about it, and then she spoke.
"If you even think of trying to use some stupid-ass excuse like I make you so hot and bothered that your brain starts starving for blood, so help me God I will smack you."
I was suddenly happy that she decided to speak first, afraid of where that whole line of conversation would have honestly taken me. Seriously, the girl was scary, even if she was my significant other. If we got in a fight, I was pretty sure she would win. That scared me, but in a weird way excited me. Something was probably wrong with me just because that thought even existing in my head, but there it was.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay. You know how I get. I just have a hard time focusing, period. You know I always get it done, and everything always manages to work out just fine."
For once, Jeany actually seemed to stop getting angry. I had found my mode of attack: play off my weaknesses and seek pity and coddling. I wasn't above doing that. Hell, when it came to not getting my ass kicked, I wasn't above pretty much anything shy of a good shanking.
"I know. But for once could you not wait for the last minute and starting writing up your paper the night before all hell breaks loose? You always end up going to sleep at, like, 4 AM, and I have to deal with your nasty mood the whole next day. Stop procrastinating. Just get it done."
I looked at my girlfriend deep in the eyes, and I sighed. I knew she was right, of course, but it didn't change the fact that I didn't want to have to accept such a thing. Knowing that you need to fix your ways and actually doing something about it are two different things, no eight ways around it. All I could do at the moment was stare the beautiful girl standing in front of me straight in the eye and say, "Okay."
She relaxed, and grabbed at her book still resting on my bed where she had left it. She threw it in her backpack, and I knew what that meant. I sighed outwardly.
"You really that sad to see me go?"
I put on my big puppy dog face, nodded, and looked at her weakly. I knew that there was nothing I could do, but little points for next time were always a plus. Those "little points" were something I was finally starting to understand after these three years together. Just because something didn't help me now, didn't mean I could rely on it in the long term. Unfortunately, the opposite was true too. And I had bitten myself right on the ass so much that I had a permanent bite mark there. I'd show ya, but I don't think you'd really want to see.
So I just say there looking sad, and she zipped up her backpack. When she was all done, she threw it on one shoulder and walked slowly over to me.
"Don't mope. It's just pathetic. Look, I promise next time you'll actually get something out of me, okay?"
It didn't take a genius to understand what she was getting at, and I did my best not to just visibly smile as she spoke. I didn't want to seem too eager, though everyone and their mother knew that I totally was. I was sure she knew too, but it was the thought that counted.
She ducked down and locked her lips onto mine. The mopey-face wasn't much of a good make out face, and she actually dragged the kiss out a little longer than I had expected. After we split apart, she gave me that smile. Anyone who's had a girlfriend that had you wrapped around their finger knew the smile I was talking about. Yeah, that one. If you event think that you know the smile I'm talking about, you do. All girls do it. All girls.
"Do you seriously promise you'll start working after I leave?"
I looked at her straight in the eye, and suddenly found myself actually asking myself that question. It may not be easy in the long term, but I knew that I was going to do this for her. I knew it wasn't going to be a long term fix, considering that fact that I wasn't doing it for me, but it was as good a start as any, I supposed.
I felt compelled to stand up from my chair, and did so. I was willing to just go with my instinct here. My arms grasped my girlfriend tightly and I pulled her close to me. She felt warm, and I could tell she was a little bit surprised, but I really meant the hug. I held her firmly, but not hard enough to hurt. After a moment, I felt her hands, which were pinned by my arms, press as far as they could against my back, returning the hug as well as was possible. She tucked her head against my shoulder, and I tucked mine against hers.
We were like that for a while, but I didn't want to move. After a moment, I could feel her start to figgit a bit, and let her go. She looked up at me, but before she could speak, I answered.
"I promise. Really."
She seemed content with her answer, and smiled warmly. That smile of hers, the one that showed she was proud of me, was one of things that attracted me to Jeany the most. I figured that was a good thing, because it always made me strive to be better, just so I could earn it.
She pushed up at me again and gave me another peck on the lips. I didn't have time to do anything back, but she obviously didn't mind. Jeany never said after that, but instead just shut the door and left me to my work. My right hand trailed up and tapped my lips quickly, feeling what was left of the kiss. I smiled.
My computer chair sunk down slightly as I sat back down in it and pulled myself up to my desk. With renewed vigor, I pushed all distractions out of my mind, including Ducky and his Bessie Barf, and focused on the task at hand: a seven page paper on sheep. It wasn't going to be easy, and it was going to be boring, but I had to get started somehow.
Of course, my eyes did trail over to that delicious tag about the Golden Fleece of Greek Mythology, and eventually my mouse did to. I wanted to work, even though that was a bit of a lie, but it was hard to resist the power of Wikipedia to a bored teenage mind. I looked at the computer, at my mouse, back at the door where Jeany had vanished, and made my decision.
To anyone that might be worried that I found yet another way to distract myself from The Path of Ruin, fear not. Even though this will one day be the first chapter to a story I dreamed up, I'm just pounding it out so I don't forget it. I'm still working on Chapter 46, and it's coming along nicely. It should actually be up in a few days, though it'll probably be the last chapter before I start up college. As now, I'm just leaving this story as a one-shot. Deal with it as you will. For all the new readers, I hope you enjoy it. Also, if you like the narrative style, try reading my fantasy novel The Path of Ruin. You'll probably like it. I'm OUT!