It really would have been better. Oblivion didn't hurt; it didn't sting. Denial was my happy place. Denial is no more. No one should have ever known; my secret should have stayed just that - a secret.
Even from myself.
But it didn't. Of course it didn't. It's not like I was a lucky person to begin with. Everything has changed;it may have taken forever to realize it, but my world is now upside down, shaken up.
We used to talk; laugh, tease each other. We were so close; we almost made it.
We were almost friends.
And then I did what I do best. I screwed up.
For some unGodly reason, I fell in love with you. (Did I scare you away?)
Why was I so stupid? I should have kept it to myself. But how was I supposed to know it would get out? I'm not psychic. I'm just lovesick.
Don't get me wrong - I tried like hell. As soon as I realized that I was falling, I fought. I didn't want this to happen.
And I hate you. I hate you, because I love you.
But not as much as I hate myself, for letting me fall in love with you, for pushing you away. I could live without your love.
But not without you.
Just meeting your eyes across the room (those puppydog eyes. They used to be longing, longing for me, before I scared you away.) It sends my poor heart into a frenzy. And I wonder if you can see the turmoil,
the longing, the desperation in mine.
Maybe you do, because you smile. Not your real smile, not the dimpled smile that could light the world. A half smile - you look like you want to come.
But you don't.
(I don't know which hurts me more.)
My eyes are dull, and I'm struggling to stop the tears. The tears that are weakness, the tears that I don't want. And I do it. I don't cry. Never cry.
But my heart's heavy. Oh-so-heavy. And I'm crying on the inside. I just want you back.
I want to go back to our almost-friends stage.
(Can I fix it?) I want to. I can act like it's nothing, if that's really, truly what you want. Masks are my specialty; you don't ever have to see how much I love you again.
(But maybe you enjoy my torment.)
No, we both know you don't. Bitterness has the power to drown a person, sorrow and love its only rivals. It just figures that I'm the target of all three.
I don't want you to run away. I don't want to be in love with you. I just want things back to the way they were before, because I miss you. So much.
Perhaps not as much as I miss oblivion. My not knowing. Not knowing where my heart lay. My sweet, sweet oblivion.
Wow, how depressing. I like it, though. It's guys like that thay worm their way into your heart...Guys mess with your head, don't they? :P