There was a sick, lingering feeling in my stomach. It bubbled and boiled, making its way to my head, forming a swirling hurricane. An unbelievably horribly headache. My eyes blurred with restrained tears, one or two occasionally slipping onto my already stained cheeks. I bit my lip to distract myself from the unwanted tears, but it was no use. It did nothing to help.
I stood out of my seat suddenly, sending the chair toppling backwards onto the carpeted floor. It landed with a loud crash, despite being cushioned by the light gray rug. I stormed over to the other side of the room, smashing the 'off' button on my CD player. I was sick of hearing these songs. I grabbed a coat from the hanger, not even glancing at which one I decided to choose, and exited my small, one-room apartment, closing the door with a soft 'click'.
The wind blew harshly around me, drowning out the faint sounds of car horns and dogs barking. I shivered as the breeze caressed my face with it's freezing touch, realizing I had chosen one of my lighter jackets in my fury to leave. I rubbed my hands together, hoping a bit of friction would help heat up my cold body, but it was no use. With a slight sigh, I walked over to the closest building, a small coffee shop on the corner. I had some money in this coat pocket, enough to buy one small slice of strawberry cheesecake. I wasn't hungry, but it would give me an excuse to 'borrow' the heat from the shop.
As I entered, a sudden wave of heat hit me, mixing in with the fragrance of dark coffee and freshly baked bread. I smiled slightly to myself, but I doubt it was big enough for anyone else to notice. Not like anybody looked anyways. The shop was completely empty, save for the workers at the counter and a little girl who sat in a booth in the far left corner. I took a window seat, staring emptily at the unoccupied chair across from myself. I wasn't unhappy with it's vacancy, oh no. I was quite glad, actually. I have had enough with life and love and…everything. The emptiness of the chair only helped soothe me. The waitress came over to take my order, and I ordered what I intended to order: strawberry cheesecake. She frowned slightly, apologized, and told me that the last piece was sold to a customer before me. I sighed slightly, ordering a small piece of bread instead. She smiled slightly, writing it down and leaving.
Well, there goes all of the money I brought. I sighed, fiddling with the straw in the free water I had gotten. The sound of a chair scraping loudly against the floor didn't bother me, nor did the figure I saw sit in front of me from the corner of my eye. What was bothering, however, was the sudden image of a cake filling my vision. A strawberry cheesecake. I glanced up and spotted an unknown male with a sheepish grin. He must have been the customer before me.
"I'm…sorry for buying the cake. You looked like you were really disappointed about it so…" I was slightly shocked at his apology.
"There's no need to apologize. You bought the cake, it's yours." I closed my eyes, standing from my seat. I didn't need this. I walked out of the warm, comfy café and into the dark, chilly outside, ignoring the man's calls to me. I didn't need this.
When I returned to my apartment, it was 3 am. I spent most of the night wandering around the city, getting lost more than enough times. I'm surprised it didn't take me longer to get back to my apartment. I guess this is a small city after all.
I looked at my sitting area, unsurprised to see my fallen chair still lingering on the floor. After all, nobody lived here with me. No roommates, no pets.
All I really had was my cactus that sat on my window sill.
I watered it, and slept.
14 new messages, all from different people. Some wanted dates, some wanted a person to talk to, and some wanted answers.
I didn't answer any of them. I see no reason to waste my time on petty things like life and love. I pressed the 'delete all' button on the machine, hearing the satisfying 'beep' to let me know it was gone. All of it was gone. I smiled sickly, ignoring everything but that wicked machine. I don't need friends; they are a part of 'life'. I don't need them, I don't want them.
I hastily grabbed the horrid device and threw it out of the closed window, into the alleyway below. Nobody yelled at me. I could only guess that they were used to it by now.
I need to replace that window.
I don't like the color of my walls. They are so bright. In fact, they are the most hideous shade of yellow I have ever seen. It was disgusting, reminded me of a rotten banana, it sickened me. I tried to paint over it with whatever I had. Blood, food, colored pencils. The food rotted and a putrid smell lingered in the air until I washed everything off the walls, leaving me with a slightly stained wall. A slightly stained wall that was the most revolting color I have ever seen. I don't understand why I never noticed it before. I lived in this place for 5 years and I only notice how disgusting the walls are now.
When I first moved in, they were a lovely pastel yellow. The ceiling was a teal-turquoise type of color, it was relaxing. Now the walls look of rotten bananas and he ceiling looks like a mold or fungus that will drip onto every person who walks under it. It sickens me to no end, I wish I could leave.
And so I did. I grabbed a jacket, checking to make sure it was thick enough, and I walked out of my house.
When I entered the corner café, I was surprised to see the male from last time sitting there, the table I was at last time. He noticed me and practically beamed. I looked to the side, ignoring him, and tried to walk past the table, but he pulled me into the opposite seat.
"I'm sorry about last time, really."
I didn't want to hear apologies. I got ready to stand up when the waitress, the same as last time, walked over and placed a slice of strawberry cheesecake in front of me. I looked at her oddly. I didn't order anything. Before I could say anything, the man did.
"I still owe you for last time, you know." He said, leaning his chin on his open palm. My eyes wandered over to him, un-amused. I had just gotten rid of all forms of contact I had with 'people' in general, I didn't need another 'person' stepping into my life. I bit my lip though, and stayed seated.
When his face beamed happiness, I knew I did the right thing.
But I'm a selfish, selfish person and that happiness only made me sink deeper into my madness.
His happiness ruined me.
We continued meeting up. I never wanted to, I always tried to find an excuse to avoid him. II even went to extremes and threw the new phone he bought me out the window. I didn't want to see him again; I didn't want to get any further in this commitment. I can't stand it, being tied down like this. Seeing him unhappy would make it worse though; I 'm not sure if I could handle it. I'm tired of this…
…I don't even know what it is. Is it a 'relationship'? He has never mentioned anything and I would never have agreed to one. Is it 'serious'? To get this far, there needs to be a 'relationship'. Is this just a 'passing fling'? I honestly hope so. I want him out of my life and away from me for good. I want him gone, but I don't have the heart to say it out loud.
When I heard the knock on my door, dread filled me entirely. He knows where I live, you see. He walked me back home, against my will, and now he stops by every so often.
I don't want to see his face.
I opened the door, looking at him with a blank stare. He grinned, stepping into my apartment. This is the first time he's been inside it, and it's honestly making me sick. I want to puke, I'm disgusted, but I can't show him that. Oh no, that's too cruel. Too mean. I can't do that to somebody, no matter how much I want to.
"Oh wow! Your walls and ceiling are beautiful!" I looked at him with slight disgust and wonder. How could he admire those foul things?
"The walls remind me of dandelions and the ceiling looks like a deep ocean…"
"It's disgusting." I spat out, unable to control my words. I couldn't help it, how could he compliment those hideous walls? They were disgusting, horrible, foul things. He looked at me slightly shocked, not expecting me to say that.
"Well…how about we repaint them tomorrow?" I don't want to see you anymore! Why are you doing this, you sadistic person! I'm trying to stay away from you, stop following me like a lost dog. I don't have anything for you. Just stay away.
You might starve if you follow me…
We repainted everything a calm, gray color. It was slightly lighter than the dark-gray carpeting of the room, but it fit nicely. I am surprised it turned out so well. When we finished, he flicked paint at me. Immature, but I played along. He worked so hard to help me with those repulsive walls, it was the least I could do.
In the end, we were both covered in gray paint. It surprisingly didn't land on anything else. He laughed loudly, clutching his sides. It was amusing, I agree, and I ended up smiling as well. He looked at me and I tried to pull the smile back to myself, but no avail. He saw it and was eerily calm the next second. I fidgeted with the bottom of my shirt, avoiding his gaze.
When he hugged me, I was shocked. I guess you can say I wasn't really expecting this. In fact, this is a worst-case-scenario. I didn't want this to happen.
His face was pressed into my neck, his voice muffled, but I heard exactly what he said and froze.
"I love you."
I hate those words. I despise them. I hate how people can say them so freely and whenever I say them it feels so…fake. I'd be lying through my teeth if I ever said that I 'loved' somebody. I loathe those 3 simple, simple words for what they do to me. I don't 'love' anybody and I haven't in ages. The only people I could ever say that to without that feeling coming would be my parents.
And they're gone.
That horrible feeling came back in a sudden rush. That feeling from before. The sick, lingering feeling of something bubbling madly in my stomach. I felt sick, I wanted to puke, I wanted to scream, and I wanted to cry. This is horrible. I bit back the tears and that bubbling feeling of horror in the pit of my stomach and wrapped my arms around him, reluctantly.
"I…love you too."
He seemed to sigh shakily in relief, but I was far from happy.
I didn't mean for it to turn out like this.
AN; This story will not be continued. I was just writing out how I currently felt, in story form. Sorry.
Also, sorry for any and all mistakes.