The Road Of Regret
One night while I sat in the contentment and warmth of my home, my hand was frozen from picking the wine glass from the coffee table where I rested my elbow. Yes, it may seem uncanny to say the least when I sat still, completely transfixed upon the flickering fire beneath my feet as they hastily burst down the door, only to see me in my unusual nonchalance. But, of course it was clear that I was expecting them as the years I had spent living in secrecy seemed prolonged to the time of the event. As I say event I don't mean the event that you call a birthday or a holiday I mean the type of event that will stay in the back of your mind until you are dead but ever so often just the slightest time when You think you have forgotten will haunt your dreams. Even among all the violence and shouts that surrounded my living room that night I still lay face on the floor with my hands behind my back. I did not want to fight or argue with them, they were right and I was wrong lets just leave it at that, so we did and they took me away and shut me away from the world, for good.
I thought that being there would help me forget, but it only made me worse. The deceitful things I had heard about being locked behind those bars. Even this, that I write on now I had to beg for, and yet still knowing all of which I have went through I still will tell you the same, that for all who have lived and lived lives of enrichment and Wealth they are never happy until the day they die. So I try to think of that to try and help me forget, forget and try to tell myself that that day was the only day they were truly happy, But I can't and the only way to fully explain my predicaments is to look back, and relive that day, in words.
It was April 14th 1978 and I had just graduated from college, being alongside my best and oldest friend: William. I met him when I was so young and knew him right through my school years. Being an orphan made me want a friend like William even more so. we went to an old pub to celebrate our success. as the hours passed so did the knowledgeability of our brains as we swigged and chugged more and more booze. That bar was the most stickiest most viscous bar we had been in until that night, but we didn't care, it was our night and nothing could ever spoil that. we headed out in Williams old pickup, yes we were both drunk and it was past midnight but we had to get home. we decided that it would be better for me to drive. The two of us headed out in the cold and blistering fog as we headed home.
" What next then William" I remarked in a slurring manner as I hung over the large steering wheel.
" Perhaps you and I should take this stoutish pickup and travel the world", his voice was so aspiring to me, mostly because I was drunk.
" Yes an excellent idea"
" Then why not do it" I hung my hand on to his shoulder, gripped him tight and said,
" That we shall William that we shall" we bumbled on for hours talking of what was next for our futures, the journey was so long, the conversation eternal, but amongst all the laughter and dreams we shared that night couldn't separate the bad from the good.
As William and I spoke on, we suspected the roads were as clear as anything, but as deception came along with the fog and we turned that corner, everything stopped. I remember peering at the headlights of a car, it didn't seem too big or going too fast but it was enough power to send my face flying into the steering wheel. I don't remember what happened to William exactly, but only remember his body lying with his head through the shattered windscreen of the other car. I felt my hands and my face, pain I thought, blood. There was glass all over the place, and when I stumbled out of the pickup door I saw him, I could not face it I tried to tell myself that he was alive but he wasn't he was dead, stone cold dead. I pushed his unorthodox body across the glass covered hood and felt his chest. There was no thump no pulse nothing, he was stone cold dead. " no" I sobbed " no". By now I had noticed that William hadn't worn his seatbelt: I had.
So I ran, ran as fast as I could into the forest by the side of the road. My hands continued to weep with blood but still I carried on running....
I looked behind me and took the pen from the page I was writing on, to the well known rattle coming from my cell door that sounded. A man I had seen before stood there as his grey but sprucely dressed self. I looked behind him there was another man, this one I knew was the sheriff.
" Sir you are free to go, you have served your sentence", I stood up in immense anxiety and walked out slowly, saying nothing. I knew today was my release date but still it seemed so strange, the life I was so use to on the outside had somewhat completely transfigured into something I couldn't understand. When I went back to my home, I looked towards the seat in which I was sat on the night they came and took me away. The coffee table was still there from where I rested my elbow and the charred remains of the fireplace sat where I had rested my feet. So I went out to the garage and found some old rope, with it I used to tie on to the top of my roof just through one of the framework holes and tied a knot in it. I had been waiting for this day for my whole life. I felt so happy for something that seemed so sad for most people, and then in a blink of an eye I jumped, smiling as the tangled rope snapped my neck and put me out of my woeful misery. Even to this day I will tell you one thing and one thing only: for all who have lived and lived lives of despondency, and anguish, are never happy until the day they die.