I Hate Him






I know this guy and I liked him for awhile last year. He's thin, and he's a skater with blonde wavy hair. His name's Josh and he's sweet and considerate. That's what I thought, though, and everyone else thinks that too. I think that's why so many girls liked him last year. We first met when I decided to sit down next to him. I wasn't attracted to him then, but I thought his friends were funny and interesting. I caught his attention immediately.

We hung out for awhile before I started looking at him as more than a friend. We weren't really friends either. Later, he claimed that I was his best friend, and to this day I honestly can't say that I felt the same way. Anyway, when he asked me out, it was because his friends set him up with me. I hate them for it. I wished he did it of his own accord, and didn't rely on them. Wished.

The day after he asked me out, we went to his friend's party together. (It was a Saturday, cold and windy. I hate Saturday's now.) We went in a hot tub later on, around 8 that night. Nothing happened, but Josh's friends wanted something to happen because they left us alone and then gave us ice cream with one spoon. I felt sick as we talked about each other's life.

On Wednesday, I broke up with him. He had been advertising our relationship all over the internet; on his FaceBook, his Myspace, his AIM, his Bebo… it got to be too much. My parents didn't know either, and after the first call from Josh, they became a little suspicious. I had to break it off to avoid humiliation, but also because every time I looked at Josh, talked to him, or thought about him, I had the sudden urge to run to the nearest toilet and vomit my feelings away, along with whatever the last meal was.

So, at lunch the next Wednesday, I walked up to him with a stiff posture, an emotionless face and told him straight.

"I don't feel for you anymore. I'm sorry but things aren't working out for us."

He didn't cry, but he was angry.

About a week after I broke up with him, I went out with my best friend, Austin. We were a secret because our school frowned upon younger-older relationships, and Austin was a grade ahead of me.

I honestly thought I loved Austin. He was my kind of guy from the first moment I met him, and then one day, I looked at Austin and thought, "I wonder if we'll ever be just a bit more than friends."

Austin always had trouble with girls. One girl, Sara, caught his attention at a dance. They went out for awhile, and then Sara decided that Austin wasn't good enough for her. I thought that she wasn't good enough for Austin, because anyone who really knew Austin and could tolerate his depression knew he was a good man at heart. So, after Austin and Sara's big break up, I was the only person there to comfort him. I became something like a sister or a mother because his own mother wasn't really a mother.

I don't know when I decided to tell Austin I liked him, but his reaction was pleasing. He asked me out right after I told him that I liked him. I thought we'd end up together because he complimented me so well, and it didn't matter that he wasn't the most handsome man in school, but it mattered what he had to say and what he shared with me. I wished that I hadn't broken up with him, but I had become depressed. I found negativity in almost everything, and soon, my friends left me because I had nothing constructive to say to them. They weren't really my friends to begin with anyways. As I sank deeper into my depression, Austin finally figured something was up. He came to me one day and asked me about what was really going on behind my eyes. He used those exact words, and I realized that he was too good for me, like he was too good for Sara.

We sat down, and I looked Austin straight in the eye and tried to keep from crying. He didn't understand at first, but once I found my confidence, he slowly broke too.

"I can't do this anymore."

"What do you mean? Don't you love me?"

"I thought I did…"

"Don't go there. Just stop for one second and tell me what's going on."

"I can't do this anymore! I'm depressed, haven't you seen me? Really seen me? If you love me so much, you should've figured this out before."

"Shut up. You know I love you."

"Yeah, I do, and you love me too much. I'm depressed and I want to die. I can't take living like this. My whole world is falling apart."

I had injured myself in the sport I loved, and getting back into shape was harder than I had ever imagined. I couldn't take being a failure. I wanted to end it all and just let the pain slip away and melt into something much better.

Austin stood up and grabbed me by the neck, kissing me fiercely. We'd never kissed before.


"No. You can't break up with me. You can't kill yourself…"

"I don't know what else to do. If I kill myself, everything stops. No more pain. No more anything."

"I can help you."

I backed away.

"No you can't."

"Yes, I can. You know I can. What are you so afraid of?"

I looked at him closely and decided my answer.

"I'm afraid of hurting you."

I tore away from him and never looked back.

We broke together.

I started talking to Josh again. It felt like I was betraying Austin, whom I still liked but couldn't talk to out of cowardice. Josh and I talked things through and became good friends, better than before. But still, things didn't feel right, and he knew it. Soon, he was sitting with us and I found myself unable to look at him. Something about him screamed "DON'T TOUCH" and I followed my instinct as closely as possible. I failed.

I decided I liked him. Sort of.

Summer rolled around, and I learned that Josh found a girlfriend. My heart sunk a little. Just a little but I didn't think much on it because my injury was healing at a good pace. Just what I needed. Josh talked on and on about his Henna. Hen-Hen he called her. He told me about how he wanted to fuck her brains out, and how close they came to it.

"This isn't what you tell your ex-girlfriend, you know."

"Excuse me? You're my best friend."


There were a few times where we completely exploded and almost parted ways for good. Towards the end of the summer, we got into a huge fight. I told him I didn't want to be part of his little game anymore, because by that time, all we talked about was Henna and Josh's sex lives. I hated it. He never asked me how I was, and when I told him that I was feeling down, he said, "I'll always be there for you. Always." God, he was such a liar because when I finally blew up at him, which was so convenient because it was a time when I thought I needed him, he turned his back on me.

"You're a fucking bipolar whore. When you die, I'll laugh."

"Go to Hell."

"Right back at you."

We didn't talk for awhile. I constantly thought of him. I thought of all the times we had together, and what I felt when I first started liking him. Somewhere between dream and reality, I convinced myself that I wanted him back. I made an apology to him, which he accepted, but dumped all the blame on me, and then I told him the worst thing I could ever tell him.

"I still have feelings for you."

"Good, because I still have feelings for you too."

And he kissed me.

A few months later, I found out he was having problems with his friends. They blamed him for breaking up their group. Josh came to me for help, and I gave it. He wanted to sit with me and my friends, 1) "to just be with me", and, 2) "to hide". I was completely lulled by his charm and invited him constantly until he won favor with my friends. Soon, everyone knew we were going out again.

There was always something interesting about how Josh acted around me. He was always courteous, like I was a China doll about to break at any second. My best friend, Kathleen, was close with Josh too. He always was rough with her. It was a "good" kind of rough, and soon it looked too much like flirting.

"Why are you flirting with Kathleen?"


"You're flirting with Kathleen."

"No I'm not."

He kissed me.

"I'm kissing you."

"I hate you."

"I love you."

Josh started kissing me in public, but he never stopped being "rough" with Kathleen. I wasn't envious; they were just friends. Just friends.

She fell for him. I could tell, but Josh continued to assure me with countless kisses and nips that I was his. Kathleen was nothing to him.

And then it hit me. He was lying to me. All he wanted was to escape his old friends, and when I told him about my feelings, it was the perfect way in. I had opened the door for Josh and invited him in, and then he kicked me out.

I hate him.

fin. (literally)