i forget how to b r e a t h e.
and the past comes back
(to haunt me.)

and i remember:
steel razors to wrists and forearms,
and i bit my lip to try to balance
out the pain from open wounds
(which later scabbed over and\
weeks later became scars of
raised purple and pink skin.)

but then i became myself
(or rather someone n e w):
Life breathed into me and Hope
overcame me and gave me strength.

(even so, i still found myself bleeding.
one year and three months floating
down the drain like water. twenty-two
cuts thrown across my thighs and
i didn't feel guilty – and don't know
if i do yet.)

and he was beautiful with a smile and heart
that melted my own and it overcame me,
conquering me for two weeks until
i told myself there could be n o t h i n g
between us (and i said i wasn't beautiful).
i found myself yearning for beauty from
man's own eye when God said i am
His everything. "beautiful, my child."

my heart yearns for love,
and i look for it in all the wrong places.


Author's note: It's been such a long time -- forgive me.