I don't know why I don't just let it rip.

Oh yeah, because I'm a fucking lazy ass and I can't walk to the bathroom and back.

He needs to carry me.

Caaaaaaarryyy meeee.

Why isn't he respondinggggg? I called him like fucking five seconds agooo.

"AAAAASHTOOOOOONNNNNN," I whine. I need to piss. I need to piss. I need to piss. I need to-

"PIIIIIIISSSSSSSS."

"... What?" he calls back hesitantly.

"FUCK OFF! I'M NOT GOING TO PISS ON YOU. JUST GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE," I shout, knowing what he thought I meant. I know him so well.

And when I hear stomping noises coming from the ground I know that that's the fat ass of a brother I have.

But everyone already knows that so it's all cool.

As he rudely throws the door open, he narrows his blue eyes at me. He has really pretty eyes.

I say this because it's in my head and no one will ever know this.

Well, except my conscious, but that's besides the point. I need to piss.

"I NEED TO PISS," I exclaim in his face.

"WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?" he yells back, no trace of anger in his voice. He doesn't get angry at me. Maybe annoyed, but not ever angry. He's just yelling back because I'm yelling at him for no apparent reason.

"I DON'T KNOW, BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME A PIGGY BACK RIDE."

"I'M NOT GIVING YOU A FUCKING PIGGY BACK RIDE, RIAN."

"THAT OR I WILL PISS IN YOUR FACE."

"YOU WOULDN'T."

"YES I FUCKING WILL," I scream at him, I don't lie. I hate it when people accuse me of lying. And he knows this because he was fucking there when I shot out of our mom's vagina and he was the one that told me I was going to die in seven days, and he was also the one that told me pulling the school's fire alarm was a good thing.

To prove my point, I shove down my pajama pants and before I whip out my dick, Ashton screeches.

He screeches like a fucking girl getting raped and covers his eyes with his hands.

Well, damn. I'm not that ugly.

"I'LL GIVE YOU A PIGGY BACK RIDE JUST DON'T GO COMMANDO ON ME," he says in a commanding voice.

It's hard to take him seriously though because he just squealed and he's covering his eyes and peeked out a bit from behind his fingers like he hasn't seen me in my boxers before.

Come on, we took bubble baths together! Naked!

I mean like it's not like we're straight or anyth- oh yeah.

Ashton's straight. Whoops, my bad.

I blink- twice, in realization.

"... Sorry, Ash. I forgot," I say, looking down at my bare feet. We used to always walk around naked. I thought he'd gotten used to it (I had).

I mean like, now that we moved out and live in the same apartment together, we're practically unseperable.

I don't think I can get used to him all shy like this. We never used to be like this. I seriously wonder what's changed. I'm super curious now but I don't want to ask him. He'll probably go all bat shit crazy on me and stop talking to me for the next few weeks and I can't handle not being around him, let alone not talk to him.

Ash lets his hands drop from his face, down to his sides, but still not completely facing me.

"Yeah. It's okay," he says distantly.

I suddenly don't like this. At all. What happened to the playful teasing and shit?

I forget about needing to piss, but I guess my older brother does as he says, "Hey, didn't you need to go to the bathroom?"

"Not anymore," I lie.

Then, just silence. Him, finding something interesting about his toes, me, obviously watching him.

I'm such a creeper.

"Um," I say, creating greater awkward tension, "Did something happen?"

I didn't think he could get any tenser, but I guess he proved me wrong.

He sucks in a breath, and I think I'm going to just go hide in the closet and hope he doesn't find me.

I know he hates it when I ask him things like that.

"What's wrong?"

"What happened?"

"Are you okay?"

He knows I know.

And yet I still did it. I went and did what I knew would piss him off. I am such a fucking idiot.

Ashton just went from this awkward boy to this scary-piss-in-my-pants guy.

"No," he says coldly and walks out the door.

I can hear his keys jingle and the front door slam shut.

...

Maybe I did piss him off. Well doesn't that make me feel like a whiny idiot.

I can feel my stomach crumble to the ground.

My heart ripping itself apart.

I don't even know why it's bothering me so much, but it does.

I miss the days when we were so carefree.

And I try to think back about what happened that made it so awkward, and all I can come up with is me being my stupid self.

Because I'm always the one that makes problems for myself, I go and annoy Ashton and he gets frustrated with me and I make him angry and sad and upset.

It's always my fault.

I sulk.

Sulk, sulk, sulk.

I like ice cream.

Where is the freezer?

Come to me, freezer.

Let me drown my sorrows in Ben & Jerry's ice cream and wine, because Ashton doesn't notice when the wine is gone.

He doesn't like wine. He keeps it at the back of the cabinet.

I don't think he even knows we have wine.

I'd be fucked over if I touched his alcohol.

It's his peanut butter to his jelly, and trust me, peanut butter is nothing without jelly.

This reminds me of how people in high school used to always tell me how I was sooo lucky that Ashton was my brother and we were best friends.

Sometimes I agree with them, and sometimes (rarely), I don't.

Right now, is the latter.

I bet he agrees with me, too.

I fuck up so much- too much, and I never learn from my mistakes.

He hates me. He wants to rip out my guts and feed them to the monster of a cat that rips up our newspaper.

He knows I hate that cat, too.

I bet he doesn't want me anymore.

I bet he wants me to move out.

Fuck, he probably does.

That's probably why he always yells at me to clean up my shit or else he'd kick me out.

I bet he would kick me out.

I never do anything to help him. Laundry, washing the dishes, cooking. I'm useless. I can't do the laundry because every time I try, I forget what I'm supposed to separate and then I turned his favorite boxers pink. He wouldn't talk to me for the longest time. I know it sounds stupid to ignore your own brother because of something small, but this wasn't something small. This was big. His boxers meant a lot to him as stupid as it sounded. There were a lot of memories behind them. And I always end up breaking some kind of dish or miss a spot and then Ash gets mad at me because I don't know how to clean. I can't cook because I'm deadly afraid of the stove and I'm lazy and if you add up those things, disastrous things happen in the kitchen.

Long story short, I make everything ten times worse for him. And I know it. And don't do anything about it.

I'm basically a failure at life.

It's no wonder he always brings sluts home to fuck when he thinks I'm sleeping.

I want to rip their throats out and then strangle Ashton.

But I wouldn't kill him because I can't live without Ashton.

I can't.

He's kicked me out before.

I was a fucking mess.

I bet he'll kick me out again though.

Because he doesn't care.

The only reason I came back was because our mom thinks I should be able to take care of myself when I obviously can't.

I totally fucked everything up at home without Ash.

Then mom got angry and threatened him into letting me live at the apartment again.

I wonder what I'm going to do when he gets a wife.

I don't know if he has a girlfriend or not though. He never introduces me to his girlfriends anymore.

I wouldn't be surprised if he did. He's hot and nice because whenever I fuck up (which is on a daily basis), he's usually really nice about it and helps me with stuff. Sometimes he gets really angry though, like he just did but then he says sorry afterwards.

I don't think he means it though. He's just scared mom's going to beat him up if he doesn't.

She does check up on us every other month or so, usually by phone because she's a lazy ass and doesn't want to admit it. We're the ones that have to visit her, after all.

But I don't know.

Maybe he's pissed because of my past boyfriends I brought to the apartment. I always wished he would be jealous or something for me, but I really doubt it. He thinks incest is sick. I mean, I was pretty upset but if I didn't agree with him he'd hate me for life and I love my brother and I can't function correctly without him.

He can without me, though. I don't know why I say this because I'm pretty sure that this is common knowledge. Ash would live perfectly without me.

He'd be happy if I got out of his life. I always get in his way. I always annoy him.

I sigh. He'll never love me back anyways. He'll always be angry if I'm around, anyways.

I always drive away his girlfriends. I mean, I try to be nice to them but they're all slutty and all over him and kiss him and sit on his lap and I FUCKING HATE IT. I HATE IT.

It's not my fucking fault I don't like it when other people are all over him. I can't just not do anything about it.

And that is why he never introduces me to his girlfriends.

That is also why when I hear a giggling feminine voice and Ashton chuckling in the hallway, I fist my hands and glare at the petite girl. I've never seen her before and she is adorable. I can't compete with her. At all. Even if I were a girl and not blood related to Ash.

"You're not going to burn a hole through her head, you know," his deep, handsome voice says. If he weren't mocking me, I would melt.

But instead, I am even more offended- offended that I will never be in the same league as this girl and offended that he doubts my powers of my glare.

She looks at me curiously, yet genuinely smiling at me. FUCK. SHE'S NOT EVEN FAKE. This makes me even more pissed off. I mean I know I'll never have a chance with him without her, but with her makes me even more fucking angry.

I snort and push by her, shoving her shoulder with mine. Hah. Take that, bitch.

I stomp away and walk out the front door, slamming it shut.

I take this as the perfect time to jump up and down, stomping my feet on the ground and flailing my fisted hands randomly around. I FUCKING HATE THAT BITCH.

Yes, I am immature.

I proceed to call a random friend and inform them I will be hiding at there house for the time being, or at least until that bitch leaves our apartment.

My life sucks.