I Love Her
Fuck. I don't really like talking about my feelings, much less writing about them. I don't understand myself that well. Hell, I've never understood myself. It's hard when someone asks me "How are you?" and I tell them "I'm fine." It's a damn lie because I'm not fine. I've never been fine. And I guess the whole reason I'm writing this is because I'm still not fine, and it's all Hayley's fault.
That girl has issues. I swear she's bipolar. She can't make up her mind, and she can't be a good friend at all. Hayley was better being my girlfriend. The eleventh, in fact. Fuck it; that makes me feel like I'm some sort of man whore, or player. I might be. Anyway, it's about Hayley's messed up mind right now.
I first met that bitch when she sat down next to me, Liz, Keirra, Ben, and Matt. Kathleen and Gabby were with her then. Actually, come to think of it, it might've only been Hayley and Kathleen. Yeah, Gabby came later. So, she just sat down. I've always wondered why the hell she did it. Well, we actually met several years before. Sogol, my other girlfriend, introduced us to each other. Hayley was such a nerd. Hayley was in love with anime, like Avatar the Last Windbender or something. Whatever, but she was a complete nerd with long brown hair down to her waist, braces, and thick brown glasses. And she had pimples. Well, I had pimples too, so it doesn't really matter. The year after I met her, though, she looked completely different. She cut her hair up to her shoulders and got contacts, and she became a lot darker and moodier. I wouldn't really know, because we only knew each other through mutual acquaintances.
That was the year she sat down. And it was also the year that we subsequently became best friends, a couple, enemies, and then best friends again.
We're over now.
It only took me a couple of days to fall head over heels for her. Matt would tell you how stupid I was acting around her if you asked him. Matt's weird like that; I think he had a girlfriend once, but everyone was so surprised about it and didn't believe him.
Hayley and I talked. We went to one dance together. Well, not really together, but we met up at the dance. She asked me to slow dance once, but I chickened out. She was a little offended and went to get some air, so I followed her and bought her a 7 Up. It's the only type of soda she'll drink.
There's something about Hayley. Fuck, she's so completely mind-blowing and confounding at the same time, it could make a man go crazy. She's into different cultures, and sometimes I think she wants to be an Asian 'cause she'll show up at school with these crazy hairstyles she most likely found out of a Jap comic book. It's good though. Hayley could totally pass for a hairstylist if she wanted to. She knows her pop culture too. The Bangles and The Clash are some of her favorites. Occasionally she'll listen to The Go-Gos, or Elvis Castello, but only occasionally. She's athletic, and does track and cross country. Hayley used to be a national champion, but then she got injured, so she's just doing it for fun now. Sometimes, she breaks down and cries about how no one on her team takes her seriously anymore, and how she has to work ten times as hard as the next girl just to run a "decent" 5:40 1500 meter. She's nuts. Hayley doesn't know how good she's got it.
I think it was a Thursday, maybe a Friday when I asked her out. I can't remember. Asking girls out has never really been a forte, and there's really no use in remembering the day a man piped up the courage to do it. I remember that Hayley and I were walking, and Liz and Keirra were conspiring to lock us in a closet or something, but I didn't really care. I would've locked both Hayley and me in a closet at the first chance. Fuck, God knows I would do it without a care. Hayley, on the other hand, was incredibly fidgety, and knew exactly what was going on. She'd never had a boyfriend before. Despite the fact that most of her friends were guys, they all looked at her like she was their mother or sister. They touched her like a sister, and spoke to her like a sister, played with her like a sister. Hell, Drew knotted her hair and hugged her and picked her up and twirled her around and she still thought it was "brotherly" love. Hayley's no good with boys, she says, but she must be lying because what she's done to me and half of the guys that know her is complete witchcraft.
So, I asked her out, we went to Keirra's Drug Circle party, and took a walk. I distinctly remember Hayley saying something about how girls always want sex. I don't think she knew what she was implying, but I had my eye on her the rest of the night, when Ben almost set her hair on fire, when Matt poured soda on her jeans by accident, when Liz barreled into her and knocked her into the pool, and when we were alone in the hot tub, playing footsie and talking about how fucked up our lives were. Except, her life wasn't as fucked as mine. I'm the one with the alcoholic dad and the abusive mother. Hell, I have two half-sisters that I never knew about until just recently. But Hayley had to insist that hardly knowing her dad counted as a crime, and that loving someone who didn't love her was heartbreak, and that giving up an Olympic dream was the worst thing that God could ever do to her, and that God could actually just go screw himself over. She's a maniac. A bitch.
For some odd reason, she broke up with me a few days later. She hardly looked at me after the party. I called her once, and her mom picked up. I remembered that Hayley told me she hadn't told her parents, so I faked it and said I was calling about homework. She said that she had been distant because of family issues. I'll give you some time, Hay, I thought. Two days later, I think, she walks up to me solemnly at lunch and says:
"I don't feel for you anymore. I'm sorry but things aren't working out for us."
God did I explode. She's a goddamn whore. All she wanted was to go galumphing around and say, "I've got a boyfriend, so bite me!" We didn't speak for a good three months.
When she finally puckered up the courage to say sorry to me… fuck, I can't describe it. It's like a dream. You know, the details are there, but when you reach out of them, they slip through your fingers like smoke. I don't know how we got back on good terms, but we did. We were friends, best friends. I told her what losing her meant to me. I told her that I thought I had loved her, and that before we had taken a step further into a relationship, she had been my best friend. I could've told her anything, that's how strongly I felt for her.
But it shattered when she told me about her and Austin. I had to bite back the tears and comfort her when she told me what she'd done to him. Hayley, of all people, was depressed and suicidal. Hayley, who was optimistic and came to school with weird hairstyles and quirky smiles and stupid, yet witty pop culture references, was depressed and suicidal. Maybe the sky would fall.
There were a few times when we fought. Mostly it was because Hayley was PMSing, or just feeling bitchy. I took the blame for everything 'cause I felt that I had to. She was my best friend, so I might as well be a best friend to her.
Then I met Henna. Sexy, witty, girly Henna. I wanted her so much that I forgot about Hayley. Henna and I went through some hard times, but we loved each other. I loved her so damn much, and I wanted to fuck her like there was no tomorrow. And she felt the same. I think we were together for about four months. Hayley was there for me, and so was Kathleen. Except one day when I felt those feelings for Hayley bubbling up to the surface and I told her. I told her. She told me that she needed to think and that was that. The next day, I asked her for advice on Henna; I had almost broken up with her. And the nerve of Hayley to suggest I didn't love Henna was amazing. She accused me of being a liar, a fraud, a poser. I bet she was just jealous and wanted me back. Hayley was a bitch that day. She called what Henna and I had a game, and she said she didn't want to be the middle-man; that she didn't want to be the last resort anymore. What the fuck, I thought. And I told her so. I told her that she didn't fucking understand, and that she never would. Explosion after explosion of insults followed, and before I knew it, I had lost control and was letting everything that I felt out on her, every single feeling of pain, of wanting, of loathing, of hatred out on her. I called her a fucking bipolar whore. She deserved it.
We made up a few days later, and I said I was way out of line, which I was. But we both said some nasty things. I knew we could never go back to being friends. Well, we could, but not best friends. She said that we could try to go back to being besties, but she would never forget what I had said to her. I used to regret it, but now, I'm not so sure.
I broke it off with Henna soon. I couldn't take the pain of being between Henna and Hayley. The guilt was too much. Plus, Henna's parents were out to get me.
Days later, she told me that she still liked me, but just a bit. I kissed her. I don't know what made me do it, but I just did. I had to. That little consciousness in the back of my head told me to defy the rules one more time, though I doubt it'll actually be the last. Regardless, I kissed her, and she kissed me back.
Maybe it was a few months later, I don't know, but I was beginning to get a load of shit from Keirra and Liz. They were upset that I had abandoned them for Hayley. I hadn't really. Hayley was focusing on cross country and said that she wanted to get serious about it again. That was her reason for not getting back together immediately. But Keirra was growing impatient with me; she claimed I had been distant and moody and never talked anymore. Liz said I had changed. I told them that maybe I was all that Keirra said, and yeah, I did change, but I had not objections. I asked Hayley if I could sit with her and Kathleen. It was hard asking, and she took awhile to answer, but by-and-by, things worked out.
At first, Hayley was talkative, but then she became increasingly quiet and dark, and usually kept to herself. She never looked at me, and instead her attention was always on her book. She was making her way through the classics, and had dug herself a deep hole in academics and sports. I'd never seen anyone so determined to make themselves' look so good. I doubt that was Hayley's real intention, because everyone knew she was a complete perfectionist as well.
I don't know why fighting broke out between me and her, but apparently Hayley didn't like the idea of Kathleen and me becoming closer. Kathleen came to take Hayley's place as my best friend. Hayley wasn't there anymore. She wasn't there mentally. She was always thinking about homework, her brother, her sports, staying healthy, and keeping on top of her depression. Hayley had a lot to think about, and I suppose friends and boyfriends were last on her list. Yeah, we had officially started going out. She hated spreading the news 'cause kids looked at her weird, and her parents were equally judgmental. I've never met them though.
One day, she accused me of flirting with Kathleen. God, she had become so neglectful, and demanding. Hell, she was the one who paid no attention. Something was going on with her, and no one seemed to know how to help Hayley. I told her that I loved her, and only her; Kathleen meant nothing to me. I kissed her to make it seem more real. Truth be told, I was tired of Hayley. She needed a vacation, a friend who really wanted to be her friend. But everyone seemed to have thought she was more of a backdrop. Maybe that's why she seemed to think that I had taken her place in her group. Maybe I really did.
Anyways, now that I think about all that's passed, I realize that I did love her. I still do. It doesn't matter how messed up she can be, bipolar and all, it's what she is, and I can't get enough of her. Hayley never wants to talk to me again, she says. I don't blame her honestly. I'm messed up to. But I love her, and I know deep, deep, deep down inside of her, she still loves me.
It's hard to think about this. But it's also hard to see it on paper, regardless of the fact that it's supposed to look simpler. I hate how life is never simple, and there's never any shortcuts, or cheats, or breaks. It just keeps on going, just like Hayley and I. But we're never going to go back to what we had. We're never going to be best friends, and we're never going to love like Henna and I did.
I love her.
(I hate him.)