A few years ago, somebody asked me something peculiar. They way they said it, it didn't sound like a question, but I remember it as a rather pointed remark:

"WHY DONT U JUST ADMIT IT N JOIN THE FUCKIN KKK, YOU RACIST!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!11!!11!"

That's a rather crude statement, don't you think? I say that this was a statement, not a question, because of the lack of question marks. But I've since mulled it over and rephrased it as an intelligible, rational question so that I could better address it:

"Why do you not simply admit to being a racist and join the Ku Klux Klan?"

You see, now we can look at this as an actual question. Oh, the power of caps lock, shift key, and grammar. God, how I hate 1337.

I am here to today to answer this question that was asked to me years ago. I've no idea why it was asked, but I've since guessed why. It is because I occasionally make racist remarks. Given that that isn't the only reason, it's probably one of the main ones I come across as racist. I will address this issue also in the simple explanation below. It was also perhaps questioned of me to join the KKK because the person who said it had an intense irrational hatred for me and people like me, but I've dismissed this by discovering several years ago that I really, really didn't care. It's nice when you don't care about things.

But I do care enough to answer this question. Why do I care enough and what aspect inspired this caring? Let me tell you: I care because I thought about it the other day and said to myself, "oh, I remember that fuckin' idiot. I should write a rant about idiots like that. Especially ones who accuse me of this shit. Yeah, I'm gonna do that when I get home." What inspired it? I forgot to do it two days ago and I just did it now. Just now. So that's why. Plus, there's comic relief. I like making fun of idiots through sarcasm. It cheers me up a lot!

Anyway, back to the point.

I now present to you the answer that question I was posed some time ago by a nameless douche: Why, Exactly, I Am Not A Klansmen.


RACISM

The first reason I am not a member of the KKK is that I am not racist. I am stereotypist. It's unfortunate that a lot of stereotypes rely on race, but that comes with the package. I am firmly convinced that stereotypes fill themselves out, and idiots perpetuate them and adapt them throughout the generations. 50's greasers become "rebels" become gangsters. Except that they are no longer Italian, they're just black. You follow? Plus, they tend to be self-fulfilling prophecies, and I'm a firm supporter of devastating irony. There's probably a reason so-and-so overdosed. It's because he was following his stereotype.

I'm not racist. I really do hate everybody equally. I'm Caucasian with other shit in the background somewhere, and I hate people like me just as much. But please, do not get me wrong. I do not hate myself. I have only the highest self-esteem. I esteem myself so much that I know I'm better than everyone else. This is called egomania, and it's fun!

Have we illustrated yet that I'm not racist? No? Then let me present this point for your browsing:

Not only do I hate everybody equally, I find the idea of "ethnic cleansing" offensive. Especially if it concerns black people. I love everything that has ever come of ethnic diversity, ever. The music, the dancing, the food, the wars, the holocausts. Really, I'm all for it. Especially intolerance. It, like, breeds this shit. It's wonderful!

It's like the thing with Hitler. I don't like the idea that he thought of cleansing the races to breed out pure Aryans, but I like how he planned to do it. And in retrospect, I think it's hilarious that he tried. "If he succeeded" – well, he didn't, did he? So there's nothing to be gained from worrying about something that happened in the 40's. Honestly. I don't know why people get mad at me about being an entropist. I'm morbidly fascinated by this shit. It's exciting and fun!

The point is, I admire Hitler. And Pol Pot. And Saddam Hussein, to some degree. All those weird, racist, racist men. Men and women! I admire their efforts at making the world a better place. They could've done better, like, say, succeeded, but hey. Whatever. You can't have everything.

But I'm all for intolerance. I really am. I like the idea of racism. It's not that I'm racist myself, but I admire everything that has the potential to bring about the end of the human race. Racism is one of those things that threatens to bring about this end, probably by nuclear war, which is why I like it. But by liking it, I've become not-racist. See this yet? No? Then let me explain it further.

I have no problem with races myself. I don't see the problem. I understand it, I fully understand it, IN DEPTH, but that doesn't mean I practice it. I don't see it. To be racist, one must have open discord with members of other ethnicities that are not your own or not something specific. To me, everyone is just a person. Race is just a skin color, just a culture. It's nothing special, the world is fuckin' full of them. It doesn't mean anything; it'll just mean you'll have weird-colored babies if you have interracial couples. Maybe. Unless they're gay. There's no procreation there. Gay people are the poster children of zero population growth. But I do support racism because I don't like humans.

You'd probably be right in estimating my religion as Orthodox Hypocrisy or somesuch, but I really don't give a flying fuck.

I'm not racist, but I support racism. And I'm a white American, so it all works out! But how does this possibly tie to me to not being in the KKK? Because, ultimately, the KKK will end racism by ethnic cleansing. (If there's only one race to worry about, there's no racism!) Hitler was like this too. It'll end intolerance and there will be an endless abundance of hippies holding hands and singing folk songs about world peace on college campuses. And I don't like that kind of thing.


CLOTHING

Getting down to aesthetics, the white robes of the KKK are really not my cup of tea. It's so bland and bright, and can you imagine getting lost in the snow? Maybe the little red and black logo would stick out. I don't know. Like if somebody took a picture of you in a pure snow background. You'd blend in, except for your hands and your eyeholes and that little logo on the robe. But if you turned around, nobody would even know you're there. You could rob Eskimos in those robes. They wouldn't know the difference. You're be right in guessing that these are the thoughts that keep me up at night, wondering.

There's also the added reminder of ghosts. The KKK robes remind me of ghosts. I, personally, do not care for ghosts seeing as they're scary and unpleasant. I wouldn't like dressing up like one all the time! Maybe on Halloween it's okay to dress up like a ghost with a cone head, but not on regular meetings. What would my friends be saying?

On top of a needless ghostly reminder, it's just not stylish. They're very out of fashion, and the color white is not in right now. And the cone head? Need I remind people that that kind of hood is not attractive or becoming? And is it just me, or do you people look at them and can't help but think of the movie Coneheads? I didn't like that movie. That's another unpleasant reminder. Right next to fucking ghosts.

So the robes are unstylish. White clothing does NOTHING for my complexion. And they remind me of Coneheads and scary ghosts. And the eyeholes are unnecessarily weird and…eye-hole-y. They're too big. And I don't imagine they'd be very good in facing bad weather. So on top of that, the robes are impractical. And they probably aren't too warm, either. I think there's at least one Klansmen who wears red robes, at least, that's how it looked when I watched Harold and Kumar Go to Guantanamo Bay, and chances are I'm not going to be that lucky guy. You can tell I haven't done my research just by that statement, can't you?


LOCATION

Do I look like the kind of asshole who would live in the South?

Do I seem like that kind of jerk? Do I sound like it?

Really?

The Bible Belt?

Do I look like I'd survive down there?

It's the Bible Belt. The air itself is Jesusified. It's holier than the Pope's ass. The air itself would be toxic to a jerk like me. I'd probably choke to death. Athiesm plus Jesus doesn't breed happy results, you know!!

Do I honestly come across like the type of person who would survive in Georgia? I've never been anywhere west of the Mississippi and south of Tennessee. And even then, when I went to Tennessee, I was afraid of the churches. I didn't hardly say a word to anyone. I was afraid that someone would start a mob and burn me or something. Ex-Mormon on-off-Wiccans practicing atheists in highly religious areas have a tendency of dying.

So let me ask this one last fucking time: do I seem like the kind of asshole who could survive living on the Bible Belt? Really, now. That's just unreasonable in and of itself. Jesus Christ, I own Jesus Dress-Up fridge magnets! I've got the whole set of them!! You really think I'd bother joining the Klan, knowing where it originated, knowing that they're Jesus-obsessed, knowing I'm likely to get shot if I voice my opinions?

If that's not enough for you, I'll give you some other reasons why I don't live in the south.

1. Okay, once again, the air itself would be so holy that it would be toxic to an anti-Christian such as I.
2. I hate hot weather.
3. The idea of incest scares me. (Incidentally, this is why I refuse to go to Austria)
4. Southern accents scare me too.
5. I'm not all that crazy about the KKK to begin with, if you haven't noticed.
6. Uh, I wouldn't survive? Hello? Biggest reason!!


DIFFERENT LOCATION

I get that the KKK isn't necessarily limited to the South. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not entirely stupid. But the South still scares me. Ever since the Civil War, I've been scared of it. Just like ghosts!!


RELIGION

Oh, I could go on for hours. I really could. But that is a rant for another time. I have a very, very, VERY large bone to pick with religion. Suffice to say that I am not a fan of Christianity because I consider it the most dangerous religion out there. The KKK is the spawn of it, and the spawn of Christianity is evil. I refuse to support a system that oppresses free thinking and participates actively in meetings where we all can talk about weather and compare clothing. Plus, God. I just don't like the fellow. Especially because he isn't real and everything.

Imagine me, with these beliefs, joining the KKK. Or participating in a jihad. You, who told me to go and join the freaking Klan? Can you see the stupidity of your question/accusation now?


WHY I WILL NOT JOIN THE KKK

So here's what we've got:

1. I'm not actually racist, I just like stereotypes.
2. The idea of racism really offends me. It threatens to bring about world peace, and I don't like the idea of that.
3. The robes are unpleasant, seem itchy, and are unattractive. I wouldn't be caught dead in them. And they remind me of ghosts and Coneheads, neither of which I like!
4. I would not survive free-thinking in the KKK. They would attack me and eat me alive. Or something.
5. I can't live in the South. I just can't. It's too scary!
6. I don't just plain don't like religion. It's a frightening concept that demolishes individuality, and individuality is what breeds intolerance, which breeds racism and stereotypes, which will eventually bring about the end of the world. I like individuality! Why would I want to see it go away? Free-thinking is good.

Get it?